i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake (...yeah those are fall out boy lyrics, no i am not a 13-year-old asian boy)

"When the lights are off and we are cleaning stuff, IT MEANS, WE ARE CLOSED!!!!! DONT ASK US TO OPEN JUST FOR YOU!!!! YOU WILL LIVE WITHOUT YOUR PRECIOUS NASTY ASS NACHOS AND BAD ASS CHEESE!!!! THERE ARE GAS STATIONS A BLOCK AWAY!!!!"

I'm taking this class called Environmental Justice, where we read all these philosophy conclusions on why animals deserve rights and why zoos are inhumane and so on. It's a pretty long class in mid-afternoon, and for some reason I always get this craz-ving for Popeye's or maybe KFC during it. Gimme those chickens bred to grow so large that they can’t even walk, and break their wings and legs. Feed those hot motherfuckers through tubes!! JK like Rowling. Your meal from Popeye's should actually only be consummated about as often as the X-Games or something. It will give you a mf hangover after you shit out the entire contents of your stomach and perhaps the tip of your colon.


Songs That I Like That the Plebeians Do Not Appreciate!:
"Intervention" - Arcade Fire
"Marching Bands of Manhattan" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Something to Believe In" (aka the Gossip Girl theme song) - Aqualung
"Postcards From Italy" - Beirut
"Wolf Like Me" - TV On The Radio
All of the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack


Who in the blue hell thought that kiwis and strawberries should always be paired together? This Gatorade actually tastes like legit Jell-O. Not to mention the fact that it's been in the fridge for probably 25 years. This Gatorade could go to war and die for its country.

turn out the light and what are you left with

Tomorrow, I am driving sixteen hours (from Boulder to San Diego) with Bob Dole and Root Beer Kevin to get some In and Out burgers and hit up Legoland and the Pacific Ocean. There is something so Wes Anderson/Rocket Power/Volkswagen commercial/heavenly about this whole idea. Also, we're driving through Utah going door to door with The Origin of Species and to promote polyandry to the more open-minded folk. And Las Vegas. I think we might just pee in a fountain or go to a strip club for like ten minutes there since none of us have a fake.

 

you must not know bout me

WWW.TF.(com)

this is my message to you hoo hoo
(yoo-hoo? what? i saw a litttle girl get her tongue stuck in a motherfucking yoo-hoo bottle on rescue 911 once. also, are there copyright infringement laws involving yoo-hoo - and i am using a hyphen here because i'm feeling weirdly british and like to inject absurd grammatical rules like putting "U"s in random words like "color" - and youtube?)

bermuda
bahama
come on pretty mama
- this is the greatest song ever. recorded.


maaaaaaaaaaaaaan i felt like rollerskating at the PLAYDIUM tonight. the first boy/girl party on planet earth took place there, like with cavemen and shit. everything about the playdium is wonderful. all they have to drink there is straight up High Fructose Corn Syrup. they don't even front with false pretenses about "Tropical Punch" or "Lemon-Aid." the playdium is fun. COUPLE SKATE!!! make sure you wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before that bad boy.



you know what else is fun? tracing your vericose veins with a highlighter. this one is called the Tigress. and you can spot the Circle of Fertility in between these two spots.


on another note, i am officially starving. i think if i ever become in a position of political power, i will mandate that all restaurants should be open 24 hours a day. it would create jobs. it makes complete sense. do you ever wake up at 4 in the morning and just LUST after some motherfucking greek food? dear santa claus, this is what i want for christmas:

gyros sandwich
lemon fries
white sauce (not a term for semen b-t-dubbbs)
water
baklava

also, santa, did i mention that this year christmas falls on 4:57 AM (mountain time), september 9, 2007? chop chop.

let's pwn some n00bs




what you've done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it won't be long before
you'll be pullin yourself away

Also

Did you guys know that in freshman year of high school I prank called this boy I had a crush on and just played "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey really loud? Completely bad ass.

an incomplete list of "things easier said than done"

• Following through when an enraged authority figure tells you to "WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!"
• Climbing a palm tree
• Having "a happy period," as Always (trademark!) instructs. Periods will only make you happy if you've been irresponsible that month, and even then it's only for like a second.
• Passing the Slurpee machine in 7-11 without sticking your fingers in the melted mess like a fiendish fruit fly*
• Emotional detachment away from someone you've been in love with for almost a year
• Convincing yourself that this was the right decision

*Applies to grade-A Crackheads only.

zero 7 is also good

Try talking to you
While you do, while you do
I swap places with you
Just to see things through
Just sing me the tune
And you'll see
I'll keep it here for you
I'll wait for your cue

You wrote down all the words
Black and white
On a wall
Just keepin' it so
Yeah you know how it goes
No plans for a change, nothing strange
No not today, no way
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

ok so

thom yorke is pretty weird, and i'm not denying it. i'm sure he goes to the local hospital to look at sick people and stuff, and he makes lyrics like "yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon." but here's the thing: listening to radiohead is a fucking spiritual experience.

for a minute there, i lost myself.

~Passion 4 Fashion~

What I have to say needs to be written out longhand.

happy xMaz. mr. harry kotter !

-"Oh my gosh. We're playing for breast cancer."
-"I think you mean that we're playing for breast cancer AWARENESS. Or even a cure!"
-"Whatever...pink is like, the national color of breast cancer."
-"Yeah. Breast cancer AWARENESS. You don't want to promote various forms of cancer, you know?"
-"If there was a sunshine of gayness, I'd soak myself silly in it!"
-"Oh, Lord."

the paula deanda saga

I know I'm a hot hot shorty
But you gotta slow down (slow down)
You don't know me (don't know me)
I you're in a hot hot hurry
You gotta go now (go now), back up off me (off me)

oh lord. i kinda fucked upppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp tonight.

I'm going to Yah Mo Burn This Place To The Ground

there are no gd drinks in my mf house except for this lemonade that tastes like pee with a slogan that says "reverse your thirst" which doesn't even make sense because i want to quench my thirst not flip it around. i've been drinking tap water raskolnikov style, but i'm not addign any crystal lite: raspberry ice to it because i think it correlated to the three nose bleeds i got in the past week. here's the thing about nose bleeds: fucking strange. there is always a kid in your third grade glass, probably the one in the fly-eye glasses and maternally purchased cargo pants who has to interrupt the lesson because he has a nose bleed. again. but yeah, that crystal lite is good in moderation. it was like when i was up to watching a horror movie every night of the week (children of the corn, hellraiser 2, saw III, dead silence, jason x) and had a dream where i was killing people and didn't even realize it. it's funny because i am the least violent person this side of greenpeace.com and i see a lot of myself in jason voorhees. i love my fridaythe13forum so much. andy calls me a nerdy nerd give you lovin long time! because i'm now the current moderator of hellhole but like, you're the one who's always trying to organize lan parties and shit. that's my guy doe. shoutout.



sometimes i prefer typing in all lowercase letters, not cus i think i'm e.e. cummings (porn name: oh. oh. cummings) or some shit but i like the way it all fits. i got a job at the GLEN 10 movie theaters haha bitchessssssss! NO OUTSIDE FOOD ALLOWED! that would be contraband and i will promptly eat it unless it is tomatoes or kashi. i'm working on two school projects at once right now. fucking goddamnit! give me that rainbow writing and some non tap water and i will be pleased. and let school be over or else i will od on this carmex. by literally ingesting it. internal bleeding!

my favorite poem in the whole wide world

The Quiet World

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
-- Jeffrey McDaniel

they say my lip gloss is poppin, my lip gloss is coooooooo0ol

What in the blue hell is going on in this picture? It was in the Art Institute and I couldn't stop staring at it. The harpist in the middle is also the guy in 3-6 Mafia (Academy Award winners! Dope boy fresh!) - the one who had his bebe luV up from Nashville and she made an aphrodisiac out of sour cream or some shit. It reminds me of that one lunch table of really sad obese girls who put pink goop in their hair. Yes. The Pink Goopers of the world dragging a member of 3-6 Mafia back into the sea, while some goons sit in the VIP section with shells on their heads. I love the word "goon" almost as much as I love the word "banshee."

The lead singer of Architecture for Helsenki sounds exactly like Stuart from Mad TV. Evidence: His high pitched whisper and the lyrics like, "don't slide down the banister / be-causssse you'll injure / your googoo / and that's all some men have going for them."

It feels good to write again.

Welcome back, Professor Oak.

i can't form sentences correctly good anymore

Some Good Ideas (do not steal):

- Next My Mom

- Condiment Condoms: from mustard to soy sauce, yo flavor is ready

- Sleeping Beauty fairy powers transferred to my blood stream

crimson

and clover

over

and over

don't suck on fred's head...that's daphne's job

The other night I was at Tani's while my Burger King sat outside because that shit is XXX NONKOSH XXX and not allowed inside. I found this picture of him from eighth grade graduation with this man teddy bear and had to steal it. It was vital to my survival. Actually, I didn't steal it because it was in a decorated frame and looked pretty precious to his old man and like, my conscious was on overdrive. Point is, Tani, give me that goddamn picture before sell your five year old stripper sister to some water buffaloes.

I've been looking at Postsecret for the last couple minutes. Here are some particularly touching ones. Goddamn...this website really understands the human spirit. I need to go out there and pay $29.99 for a book of them all. I JUST WANT SOME CONNECTION!

You're the only one who stuck it out last night

The only other one who caught the other line

You're the only one when this world collides

The one that I can't deny

The Bakery

CLERK: Good day, Miss. What can I do for you?

CUSTOMER: I want to buy some gorgeous bread.

CLERK: Do you want a loaf of whole-grain blood or would you like some buttermilk booties?

CUSTOMER: Just a regular loaf with sesame baboons on textbooks on it.

CLERK: All right now, how about some nice Flavor of Love cake?

CUSTOMER: Well, I have 100 children, and they all like to eat sweet wild blueberries. How much are your cookies?

CLERK: We have Cooler Ranch chip cookies at cien dollars a pound. And we have this box of assorted little shaved pussies for only two dollars.

CUSTOMER: I'll take one. They look like they don't have more than THE NUMBER 23 calories.

CLERK: All right. That will be one box of Scooby-Doo fans, our special indigo berry pie, and a big family-sized loaf of astronaut.

a toad the power mower caught

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

diz iz y im hott

I have a confession to make, and it's not that I just licked the bottom of my Lean Cuisine tray for any excess peanut sauce. I saw Dead Silence (the movie about a ghost ventriloquist) today, and I liked it. It was decently scary, and I don't usually get scared in horror movies because I've seen so many of them. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but TOOT-TOOT! or WAA-NUU-GAH! James and Leigh are one "killer!" pair.

I'm going to this, y'all! July 6-8 in Indianapolis. Okay summer. We see you. Along with analyzing poetry and studying Euro.

sexy time

"To Catch a Predator" on Dateline is the most watched show among common woodland animals, including the owls who can twist their heads all around. It's basically the shit and has the most standard format that I've ever seen on a news show. It shows a snippet of an online conversation between a predator and a decoy underage girl (the predators have screen names like "luvs2eaturpeach") and they go along these lines:


luvs2eaturpeach: don't tell anybody about our rendez-vous. i could go to jail.
VulnerableUnderagedVagina12: good idea!
luvs2eaturpeach: just using my noodle
luvs2eaturpeach: so you can use my other noodle


then they show the predators creeping to the decoy's house and walking into the kitchen. The girl asks, "Did you bring my M&Ms?" and they pat pat pat their pockets. "Did you bring the condoms?" she asks. Pat pat pat. Then This Guy pops out of nowhere:




"So...you were planning to have a fruit salad party, weren't you, Mr. Loves To Eat Your Peach?"
"I was not gonna have sex with her."
"So why did you bring the condoms? Do you know how old this girl was?"
"Uh..."
"Thirteen. That is illegal. Do you know who I am?"
"No."
"Sure you do. I am CHRIS HANSEN, investigative reporter. You're on Dateline, and you've been caught."


At this point, the predator runs from the house and gets tasered on the lawn by the police, and then probably taken to jail. The whole thing shouldn't be so funny, because those guys should not be seeking young girls for sex, but it is. It would be amazing if you went into chat rooms with a seedy rooms and caught the Dateline people. And then you showed up with your own video camera and some confetti and say, "GOTCHYA, LIL FELLA! Two can play this game!" Haha! Power to the predators.

apathetic!

J'ai faim j'ai faim

child-->adulthood

I am three years old in this picture. I could probably get at least 10 bucks for the wild tortoise. Turtles can sell anywhere from $2 to $1000 on the Internet, even if they're Chinese. Same with feral children. It was the day that a giraffe licked me, black tongue and all. You know what they say about giraffes, right? Once you go black tongue, you do not get coal miner's lung!




This is me at the age of seventeen. As you can see, not much has changed. I still want to "Party All the Time" like Eddie Murphy and Rick James suggested back in the day. The best part of that classic comes during the timeslot of 1:04-1:07. Eddie Murphy laments, "I buy you champagne and roses, put diamonds on your finger" and Rick James says in this sultry banshee voice, "diamonds on your fingaaaaaaa." Oh man. It lands a spot on this list:

Things That are Hilarious That Words Cannot Properly Explain:

1. Rapidly rubbing the velvet ceiling of a car.
2. Those lines in the Trina song - "I can't even look at your face without wanting to slap you! / Damn I thank God I ain't get that tattoo" - that prompted my dad to turn off the radio and say, "jeez!"
3. Diamonds on your fingaaaaaa.
4. The fact that Hamlet sounds like a freaking Walker Brother entree.





AND now I'm going to be eighteen in less than an hour!

"If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out! Out of service, out of Africa, I wouldn't hang about!" - Zazu's gay ass

this guns for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

My poor cat Kitty a.k.a. Big Kitty BK a.k.a. Queen Latifah is in mourning. She does not have the means nor the ability to conceive kittens, or else I'm sure she would've gotten some action from our Siamese main man, Ricky a.k.a. "Rickki" according to the stupid vet certificates (his last name is not Lake and he does in fact know who sired his child) a.k.a Mr. Marberry a.ka. Rick-a-lick a.k.a. My Mom Hates You Because You Took A Shit On Her Bed One Time. He is Siamese...and he'll please!

Anyway, back to Kitty's little problem. During the night, she takes clean shirts out of the laundry basket and carries it softly in her mouth, mrowing pitifully. Mroaw rowwwww. Fucking sad. It reminds me of a coyote's howl, except the coyote is the one affixed to the wall at Taco Bell and he's depressed because he wants a Gordita or a Chalupita or a Funkalicia and can't get any of those.

Taco Bell does not want you to get mono. This is a smart business move cus mono makes your pee look/smell like Fanta which is almost as gross as sucking cottage cheese out of someone's asshole with a crazy straw. And the cottage cheese is from Laura Ingalls Wilder's cottage in the Big Woods.

I'm averaging six posts a day on the Friday the 13th Online Forum. That's pretty nerdy, but not as bad as spending hours making videos of my Counter-Strike highlights to the tune of Kevin Federline's smash hit "Lose Control." Oh, I smell a hit with that one! Wait...do hits smell like used tuna? You know who you are. I'm trying this new diet of whenever I get a hunger pain, I drink Diet Coke or water. If I'm super hungry, I'll have an Arnold Palmer. That's also a lie.

Oregon is the most beautiful place you've ever seen. I swear, I'll take you there and we can swim in the cold mountain water and climb the pine trees, even the burnt ones from the last fire. There are guitar chords and Indian men with sticks with bells and little fishies that are just trying to make it down that stream. You and I are exactly the same, except you are convex and I am concave, so let us spoon in our different similarities. I will fill myself with your stories of my life and we will be happy.

i still go to taco bell, drive thru, raw as hell - fergie

Should this be in bullet points just for Kix (Kid Tested, Mother Approved)? Yes.

• My dental hygienist is the shit. First she told me that I should always eat large quantities of Swedish Fish at a time rather than taking smaller portions because then the sugar doesn't build itself up buttercup. Then she recommended me to an oral surgeon for my upcoming wisdom teeth removal and said, "All of these guys are good, but this one is spicy. If you're gonna have your teeth yanked out, then you should at least have someone easy on the eyes." It should also be noted that the oral surgeon in question is named "Sohledgebreg" and she circled the "oh" part.


• I hope the White Hen on Central never ever closes. It sells the Arizona Ice Tea product "Arnold Palmer."

I drink so much of this stuff that if they cut open my veins tonight, they'd find it swimming around in my blood. You know they approached him and were like, we wanna base a half iced tea/half lemonade beverage off your image, and Arnie Arn said, "Make it approximately the length and width of my dick." And then Arizona Iced Tea Inc executives were like, shit, we better make this stuff low calorie so it won't kill people because of how large the serving sizes are.

Q: What's a regional math team's preferred drink?
A: ARML Palmer.

Recently downloaded songs:

• "Breathe Me" - Sia
• "Making Memories of Us" - Keith Urban aka my mom's ringtone
• "Faust" - Gorillaz
• "Ghetto Gospel" - 2pac & Elton John
• "Glamorous" - Fergie (I mean, she is the Dutchess)
• "This Year" - Mountain Goats
• "100,000 Fireflies" - the Magnetic Fields
• "Nobody's Fool" - Avril Lavigne!

  I'm not the milk and Cheerios in your spoon / It's not as simple, here we go,
  not so soon! / I might have fallen for that when I was fourteen and a little
  more green /But it's amazing what a couple of years can mean

• Favorite Internet face (not emoticon, that's a silly word): :-*
• Favorite Internet face that looks like he's being raped: ;0

passion, it is true, is not quite the fitting word for what i wish to express, said hegel

My name is Hailey and I'm here to tell you about American Girl Dolls.


Some dress up as Plains Indians for Halloween and shoot anybody that comes near them.

Some are on that Hostel shit and no one is paying her. In fact, she is the one paying THEM!

Some are named Josephina and have blind people glasses when they go to the beach.

Some sit in dirty poses.



Some are used as evidence on Law & Order: SVU (dun dun.)


I have lately been talking back to the characters on Degrassi. Darcy just reminded Spinner about their vow to remain virgins until marriage. Spinner says, "Virgins. Yeah, totally." I say, "Haha! No!" and I didn't even realize it. It's like that time when I was in Panino's alone with my chicken and The Parkers or something was on the tv and Monique (my fucking hero) said something along the lines of "that ain't funny worth a damn!" and I laughed extremely hard.

currently: filling out an eharmony personality profile

I sneezed TWENTY-FOUR times in A ROW today. A fucking row. It was insane. It was almost like the time I drank a gallon of milk in a minute...via an udder of a young buck. (Bambi's father figure = Yung Buc = a real rapper's name?) Why don't I drink some Purell and chase it with a couple of my trademark sweet berry slushie Tums (tum tum tum TUMS). Now we can sit out on my veranda and watch the geese fuck each other in the ass and remember about the Pudding Seige of '92 and when we were happy. Ho He Ho! Hailey backwards is Yeliah, also known as QUEEN OF THE YETIS. Give me some fucking Laughing Cow cheeses and I will eat them all! I know they are the rich man's Cheez Whiz but why can't my mom stop buying POISON Dranks and get me some fucking mother LOLCOWOL. Goodnight from the fringes of my mind, goodnight from my bones which are infiltrated by the cold.

do you always trust your first inital feeling?

how the faces of love have changed turning the pages
and I have changed oh, but you, you remain ageless
I turned around
and the water was closing all around
like a glove
like the love that had finally, finally found me.

french "phrase a day"

"Let's make some hot chocolate."
"Who ate all the cake?"
"I wear a medium."
"Excuse me, is there a playground nearby?"
"It's none of your business."

once upon a time i was falling in love, but now i'm only falling apart

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" is arguably the most emotional song ever written. This shit's like, seven minutes of turn arounds and teary piano drips. A few summers ago this woman who was living in the alley behind my townhouse complex freaked out and started screaming this song in the middle of the street, then homegirl let proceded her wonky breasts out to play.

Once upon a time, there was light in my life.
But now there's only love in the dark.

Turn around, bright eyes.

Writing these lyrics out makes me think of that time when we submitted "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson to the poetry publication at school.

On a
Monday
I am
wait
ing.

On a Tuesday,
I am
f
a
ding.

And by
WEDNESDAY

ican'tsleep.


There's a lot of stuff I want to do this year. They include, but are not limited to: capturing a feral child, hitting up Paul Finnegan's courtside Bulls seats, not failing math, listing the names of my favorite fonts, learning all the state birds (I just feel like that will come in handy), and I would really be curious to try that concoction that we did all the time in the summer before freshman year. (A bottle of "The Works*," a layer of aluminum foil, and an empty bottle with its cap. Put ingredients in bottle, shake and throw in the street. Run away. Listen for explosion.) I'm trying to go to Europe too, but we'll see as far as my legal tender goes.

*Not neccessarily available in Value Pack

i think it's time for you to find another dumb blonde, cus it's not me no no

New hobbies:
- ending words with thrice the number of concluding letters, a la Walterrrr Blaurockkkk
- stealing time machines

"You want just a little trophy hanging on your arm so all your friends will see you got it going on. But I see what you are so clearly, and baby, baby, that's not all right with me." - Hoku.

baby it's you

My insommnia has developed into a throbbing pain that is making me crazy. I just want to live under the covers in the yellow bedroom until I get struck by lightning. Then I remember that my grandma sold the house and it's like, alright. Can't anything stay the same for a while? Change is so hard. I know that statement has as much validity as saying "Life can occasionally be difficult," or "college applications are tiresome," but it's true. Why else would all those old pansies be writing into the Chicago Tribune, complaining about Marshall Fields switching to Macy's? Enjoy those tacos now, for in a hundred years, they will become illegal. Oh, I think we all know why.

blues song from grapes of wrath, circa 12/16/05

Well...
I spent four years
And now I'm out of jail
Well, I spent four years
And now I'm out of jail
I got nothin' to show for it
Except these cheap coattails

One night outside a dance
Herb came at me, completely sloshed
I took a shovel layin' there
Knocked his head plumb to squash
They took me to the courthouse
Sentenced seven years in jail

My folks, they didn't write me
Except for Granma's Christmas card
"Merry Christmas, purty child"
The cell block men laughed hard

McAkester ain't that bad
Ain't as bad as you would hope
Free food, free heat, free everything
Just don't drop the soap

i told my sister she should never smoke weed and then parallel park

I completely forgot how great the Sims is. I just made a lady named Madame Tuskers. She used to have a pet leopard, but now she has an outfit.

I did something stupid, immature, and probably illegal today. Alright!

i'm coming for they number one spot

For over 45 years, PAM® has made everything from stovetop cooking, baking, and grilling— just plain easier. PAM® works not just on the baking pan or the cookie sheet, but also on your spatulas and mixing bowls, too! With PAM®, your end dishes just come out better.

wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long

From eighth grade: Those "who, what, where, when: questions. The anti-drug" commercials piss me off. Just because the parents know where their kid is doesn't mean that the kid isn't going to do drugs I'd love to see these:
WHO: my boyfriend
WHAT: we're going to have sex
WHERE: his crackden
WHEN: when you suckers go on vacation
WHY: cus I'm a skanky whore, that's why!

I honestly cannot wait until Thanksgiving, because that's when the WLIT the Light is going to start playing straight up Christmas music on the radio until New Years. Which will definitely cut into the "Delilah After Dark" program at night, but I know she'll be back. Delilah is one silly nut. "My nephew, Russell, decided that for Halloween this year, he wanted to be a hedgehog. So I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and bought my sister a brown bathmat, and she just stapled it to his back." I almost died of laughter when I heard that. As in, cause of death: lol. While complaining about school is more or less a waste of everyone's time, I'm relatively sure I will not be taking the Euro test tomorrow.

burnt

I'm 88% certain that when I turn eighteen, my to-do list is going to look like this:
1. Smoke a cigar with my grandma
2. Get a tattoo of the Legend of Zelda Triforce on my hip
3. Win the lottery
4. Purchase pornography and give it to the little boys on my block

"That girl looked like a tree, I bet there are Keebler Elves making fudge in her RIGHT NOW." - Next

S Club 7

this doesn't deserve a title

I think I had a nervous breakdown today.

No, really, I did.

I smashed my phone.

I'm using my old one for now.

I don't know when this happened, but everyone in my life hates me. Maybe the weight of their hatred fluctuates from minor annoyance to pure, unbridled scorn, but that's a small detail. I think this hate comes from all the anger I have inside of me that I take out on other people because I'm never in control of my emotions. What's it going to be today? Obnoxious moxie or miserable sadness? Certain parts of me can't be fixed with medication.

Things I Am Tired Of In Alphabetical Order:

- allergic reactions that send me to the hospital
- bitches, whiny
- cingular wireless

early mornin, she wakes up, knock knock knock on the door

Why was the Victorian Age so freaking gay? My mom has a calender of all these scenes with rosy-cheeked fat kids playing weird musical instruments and gallaventing around. The problem with me and history is that because I am so deeply entrenched in today's popular culture, I have a hard time forging connections with characters who lived in the past. These Victorian kids and I have nothing in common, except for maybe the shared fact that we both look creepy with Helen Keller eyes. I don't care about how they worked in a string factory and lost fingers and I certainly am not going to give them a shilling or whatever for a delicious sweet lest they ever go hungry again.


"I'm Kori, I'm 19, and even if I weren't Jewish I'd still love me some gefilte fish!"
"I'm Mike, I'm 20, and I hope this girl is tall and blonde like me...except with a vagina." - from the MTV dating show Next

so

No, I don't want your number
No, I don't wanna give you mine and
No, I don't wanna meet you nowhere
No, I don't want none of your time

nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky

Isn't it funny how you remember seemingly insignificant events for a much longer time than you realize? For example, when my little sister turned eight, she got a card that had mice dressed as court jesters on the front; the inside said, "Let the merriment commence! Happy birthday!" Let the merriment commence! The next time I walk into an eight-year-old's birthday party, carrying two cases of High Life (the champagne of beers), that's the first thing I'm going to say. Or in fifth grade, when Tiffany Young asked me if I knew who Sisqo, of "Thong Song" fame, was. I said I didn't, and I don't think I've ever felt so white in my life. I had a dream where I broke my arm and had to get a purple cast, because that's all they had left. What does that mean? That I have no choice but to become an advocate for gay rights? Then again, I also had a dream where there was an acapella group called "Hot Cheese" performing "My Girl" in the dining hall of Hogwarts. I don't exactly care for people who feel the need to chronicle their dreams in any sort of media, be through a textbox or sign language or Morse code. Morse code has the illest dotz and dashez.

it's the truth even if it didn't happen

"You go skipping and prancing through life, skipping through a field of dandelions. But what you don't see is that on each dandelion is a bee, and on each bee is an ant, and the ant is biting the bee and the bee is biting the flower, and if that shocks you then I'm sorry."

your love is worth millions of treasures, but i can't even spare a dime

I've obtained a new bad habit. It's called "chewing on my watch strap as though I am an overseer with tobacco." It's not something I'm attempting to hide, either, which means I'm chomping away on my poor time-telling device at school, around respectable people. They don't need to watch such a disgusting act, but nobody's said anything to me about it so far. Senior year so far is okay, but not great. That used to be my catch phrase from age 3-10.
- How was "The Lion King 2?"
- Okay, but not great.
- Was that donut filled with pus as delicious as the Krispy Kreme commercials made it seem?
- It was okay, but not great.
I think you understand.

sunshine on my shoulders

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

and i'd really love to see you tonight

August is always such a frantic month. In the beginning of June, summer is like an unpeeled, perfectly ripe orange that offers freedom for a short three months. By August, the Sunday of months, you're trying your best to squeeze the last juices out of that thing, but all you get are seeds of summer homework and random, weird hookups. And as we all know, seeds are not edible. Just like corn. And sour cream. I hate when people try to convience you that certain foods are delicious when in all actuality, they fucking suck.

swan lake is the dopest shit!

I'm a god awful cook. I made EZ Mac and it turned out like cheese soup with floating debris in it. I washed it down with Welch's "Grape Drink," which doesn't exactly taste like grapes, and clearly the drinking part is implied, because it is a beverage. Now I'm bored and I plan on sitting around the house all day long.

da da da da da dum dum da

I truly can't believe that I got a 5 on my history test. I remember sitting at this very computer a little over a year ago, trying my hardest to squeeze out some shit about Jefferson's philantrophy and how every other American inventor to follow was just the poor, deaf, blind, and retarded man's version of him. I completed all of my summer homework the night before the first day of school. Does thinking back on the past ever make you think of the song "Oh What a Night" by the Four Seasons? As I recall, it ended much too soon. If they don't play that song at my wedding, I will have to choke at least eight bitches. I can't wait to go to Oregon. One of my favorite days in my life was when my grandma mailed the fourth Harry Potter book directly to the ranch. I rode my bike five miles to pick it up and carried it back with me in a florescant knapsack (as whack as that word is, it's the best description of that item-holder this side of the English language). When I got home, I cracked open an orange cream soda and started devouring the book.



Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.

everything's not lost

my head just aches when I think of
the things that I shouldn't have done
but life is for livin'
we all know
and I don't wanna live it alone

double lame-o donkey shit

Tonight I'm going to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I'm dressed up as sort of a lazy-eyed Thai fisherman with orange pants and gold shoes for this event. I sort of forgot about this little creative outlet because I've been ungrounded, and feeling liberated is one of the greatest experiences outside of childbirth or seeing a ghost or something. I feel like I should apologize, but maybe this will make you feel better.

i'm holding on, i'm strong

So the new girl on MTV is kind of a chump, but she's the kind of chump who lends me money sometimes. Re: I like her. Still, as Sister Maria told me at the School of Hard Knocks, mo money, mo problems. DON'T FORGET TO LOCK MY FUCKING DOORS, BITCH!

Armi ja Danny - I Wanna Love You Tender

How can I be sure you're not pretender?

i'm BOSSAY!

That's right, I brought all the boys to the yard
And that's right, I'm the one that's tattooed on his arm

What an empowering song. She also does this dance in the music video that looks like a velociraptor, which is kind of a change of pace. I guess she's a reptilian killing machine that scares the shit out of me.





My grounding is almost over! And you know what that means. Barrels upon barrels of Brazillian hookers and gift cards to Best Buy and Lisa Frank binders. Can life get any better? Probably. If I had to choose between being ungrounded and getting season tickets to Peter Jans Golf Course, I'd have to go with the tickets. But it would be close. Damn close.

junior year through music

"nobody puts baby in a corner" - fall out boy
"seasons of love" - rent
"hey ma" - cam'ron
"i'll be here a while" - 311
"backyard" - guster
"casimir pulaski day" - sufjan stevens
"baby i love your way" - peter frampton
"king without a crown" - matisyahu
"l.g. fuad" - motion city soundtrack
"dust in the wind" - kansas
"don't change" - musiq
"bailamos" - enrique iglesias
"working for the weekend" - loverboy
"addiction" - kanye west
"start of something new" - high school musical
"slippery people" - talking heads
"last dance with mary jane" - tom petty
"crazy" - gnarls barkley
"wild thing" - tone loc

what the fuck is this

Lets bypass the bullshit and move on because
The minute hand moves faster than you think it does
And by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine
The bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight

hey oh

the more I see
the less I know
the more I'd like to let it go

KOKOMO

Today is Father's Day. Emily and I gave my dad a framed antique handbill that says "BE A LAWYER." According to my dad, it has "a certain je ne sais quoik [sic]." Then we played Scattegories. Man, I am good at that game. I'm probably as good at it as you are at picking at a scab. Yesterday I went to the beach and Cross-Rhodes and the Custer Street Fair. My writer's block is taking a toll on my health. My hair is going to fall out any second now.

"Come here, I'm not gonna hurt you, I just wanna chew on your neck." - Homeward Bound. For my money, nothing gets better than a heartwarming story of three domesticated animals finding their way home through the Sierra Nevadas. I love animals. If I lived in Korea, I'd eat hella dogs.

i guess that's how the future's done

Recently Downloaded Songs
"Mushaboom" - Fiest
"Sleep to Dream" - Fiona Apple
"Paint's Peeling" - Rilo Kiley
"Two Wuv" - Tally Hall
"As Time Goes By" - Casablanca

Would you rather spend your month of June with mono and attending summer school (aka spending four hours of the precious summer morning yearning for the gentle caress of Death) or spend the first three weeks of June grounded like a delayed plane, with a curfew of 6:00? I'd pick the second one, which works out well for me, because it's my life as of right now. It's true - rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

could it be that little wrinkle over yo nose

Recently Downloaded Songs
"When You're Mad" - Ne-Yo
"I'll Be There" - The Jackson Five
"Snow (Hey Oh)" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"If I Didn't Care" - The Ink Spots
"Woman" - Wolfmother
"Blueberry Hill" - Fats Domino
"Lemonade" - Tsunami Bomb
"Dear Diary" - Britney Spears


I'm going to California tomorrow. There's a gold rush happening and I intend to cash in. I packed a shovel and a wire hanger in case I get raped and have to abort something. How insensitive. I'm actually going to see UCLA and USC and Universal Studios. Hell yeah.

isolation

I keep dreaming about being stuck on an asphalt island, no shade in sight, no palm trees, no sand, no beautiful waterfalls to make out with dolphins in, nothing. It's so hot on the island, and my body sticks to the bottom like gum on your shoe. I end up melting like candle wax as seagulls pick at my eyeballs. When I wake up, I forget all about it until I remember what happened to my heart on the island: it exploded.
Wow, what a shitty little anecdote. It's almost as bad as "my freckles always appear in triangles. I look closer at them and realize they are tiny little holy trifectas of pain."

summer

It's the first day of the Holy Holiday of Summer Vacation, and it's time for everyone to write some sort of deeply introspective and reflective post about what they've learned during the school year, and how they've grown as a person, but I'm not good at being serious. What even happened this year? I made some pizzas, delivered some flowers in the Hot Whip (my '96 Dodge Intrepid that smells like a petting zoo when I turn on the heat or air conditioning), had two and a half boyfriends, completed several homework assignments in the MRC seventh period, saw Guster and Iron & Wine in concert, traveled to Hawaii and got a "honey almond body spread," which was sort of whack, laughed more than I cried, wrote stories for the Evanstonian, got over my Exeter grief, got proper medication for my mental illness, realized my sort of maturity, made new friends, made a few new enemies, and was generally okay with my life.

But...

what if I got it wrong?

everyday i'm hustlin'

I've been doing a little cleaning out of my Word documents - mostly things I wrote when I was nearly comatose, drunk on exhaustion and emotion.


The Little Mermaid is the greatest movie ever made.
I am willing to debate this with any ignorant fool who disagrees.

Although it seems weird that Ariel remembers and correctly pronounces "reprimand", but can't remember the word "street".
Okay, crackhead.
What's a fire and why does it, what's the word, burn?
Good question.

+++

HOW TO GET OVER HIM:

Cry. Listen to BBMak and cry and lie on your basement couch all day with Kleenex and Love Actually. Don't pretend you're fine when you're hurting inside. Let it all hit and give yourself time to grieve. Ice cream is good. So are bubble baths.
When you feel like getting out of your house, find your friends. Go to the mall, play pool, have a dance-off...just hang out. Laugh a lot. Think about it this way: everytime you laugh, you're healing an ounce at a time.

+++

I read somewhere that a heartbreak can actually cause physical pain, and this has never felt so hard. I want something awesome to happen, right now. Maybe I’ll go outside and find a penny on my stoop, or someone will put their ear to my heart and tell me the sound is beautiful.

+++

Ms. Salcedo: Someone in the dorm came to me and said that you had been upset, then took a walk through town and ran into some townies and got high.
Me: That is not true at all, I mean, my eyes were bloodshot cus I had been crying...but I didn't smoke pot...
Ms. Salcedo: Getting high is no big deal. It's not gonna kill you. Smiles.

Yeah, WHATT?

If I had a nickel for everytime I wanted to punch you in the face, well, let's just say I'd go to Coinstar and cash in.

Last night I went to a "Kane County Cougars" single A minor league baseball game. I can probably compose an extensive list of "things I'd rather do," which includes such endeavors like "being buried alive" or "read Polly Pocket Look and Find" for five hours straight. Oh my! Polly and her friends have stumbled across a jeweled forest. What a dazzling display of riches! With such colorful, sparkling surprises behind every corner, no one knows what will turn up next. See if you can find these extra-special treasures. I guess it wasn't that bad in the end, but that's because there was a fireworks show afterwards. My Ultimate Dream, other than being fed Taco Bell through an iv, is to have fireworks shot up in the shape of my face.
I want to li-li-li-lick Andy Warhol from his head to his toes.
"I really do live for the future, because when I'm eating a box of candy, I can't wait to taste the last piece." That's my senior quote, unless they allow "bitches, blunts, 40 oz, and stunts" in the yearbook. Which they won't, because of that damn Slut who's runnng the place. Jacob Slutsky, that is!!! I am becoming slightly obsessed with all techno music, because of the insipid lyrics and the dope beats. I've never ever been to paradise. I never ever seen no angel's eyes. No, never ever left this magic die. No matter where you are, you are my lucky star.

Now, it's time for a little game of Buy Me Things.

Asian is optional.

does hailey need to choke a bitch?

I don't know what to do. I feel like the sand and water in my stomach is spilling out the sides and the pills are drowning. The funny thing is, sometimes I forgot I was in the hospital, like when we watched Austin Powers or when Jasmin called "PartyLine" and made me talk to "Ricky" by pressing 22. The Hot Tub. And then I looked down at my wrist and I saw the hospital band with my name on it, then I realized that there were bars on all the windows, then I understood why it said "LIVING HELL" on my whitewashed walls. And now I'm home and my sister is crying and I'm grounded for a month.

I've come to the realization that I like shitty songs. Come on. There are gems wrapped in garbage.

Come on baby we ain't gonna live forever
Let me show you all the things that we could do
You know you wanna be together
And I wanna spend the night with you

thanks wikipedia

The first single from [Sisqo's latest album] is said to be entitled "Who's Your Daddy". It's rumored to be released in the summer of 2006. Other songs Sisqo has released over the past year consist of, In da Club, So Seductive, One Love, Really Real and One Finga In the Air. Some of which may or may not appear on his new album.

but now you realize he's not selling any alibis

I found the skankiest song ever:

I know them other guys, they been talking bout
the way I do what I do
They heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true
They know you're the one I wanna give it to
I can see you want me too

The young lady who sings that song is named "Cassie." Come on, Cassie. Go back to Dragon Tales.

Recently Downloaded Songs:
"take a bow" - madonna
"pussy got ya hooked" - three six mafia (devil worshippers!)
"a praise chorus" - jimmy eat world
"like a rolling stone" - bob dylan
"summer breeze" - seal & crofts
"what if" - coldplay
"tonight, not again" - jason mraz

So, I've had to do a lot of old people interviewing for the Historical Society, and, as a result of listening to old people, I started thinking about other stuff. How do we want to be remembered, if at all? This is why I'm going to do a new project - recording people's life stories. I've also found that most people, when given the chance to talk about themselves, will dwelve into such talk with great enthusiasm.

i hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record...oh yeah...?

I'm just going to finish this shit early tomorrow. I had to tell you that because it's a much better idea to update your blog than to finish your research paper that is due tomorrow.

Eight, eight, I forget what eight was for.

life is a state of mind

I am truly bummed about this paper. I care for it like the Pope cares for lepers. I care for it in the same manner that James Blunt cares for ugly bitches. I care for it so much that I want to be snuggling it in a baby formula commercial while it sleeps soundly in my arms, beautifully and fleetingly innocent, while I whisper lullabyes in its soft ears. I care for it approximately the same amount that a fat kid cares for "Fruit N Yogurt Parfaits" or, alternatively, "Fruit N Walnut Salads" at McDonalds on a field trip when everyone else in his class is eating fries. I really like songs that tell a story about losing your virginity, or, more specifically, "Oh, What a Night" by the Four Seasons. Now, since I am 1000% bummed out, I'm going to tell you the things I hate the most on this planet.

1. ignorance
2. static electricity
3. unimposed rhythmic clapping
4. tomatoes, because they are neither a vegetable nor a fruit and that is unacceptable
5. all dentists
6. when people think they have the authority to scrutinize your bad habits when you don't even want to talk to them in the first place
7. "Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?" - "Because she was a woman!" and any other variety of that kind of shit
8. this feeling I get in my eyes when I don't blink for a long time
9. sprained body parts

See, that's all I can think of at this point in time. I can make a list of maybe a zillion things I like to balance it out. I found this on the Forrest Gump messageboard on imdb and I was laughing harder than I did when a cancerous Mandy Moore died in A Walk to Remember, or, if you want to make it quick, AW2R.

''Mama always said life was like a box of BLOODY HUMAN EYES AND FINGERS!!!!''
'Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. You want a BLOODY FINGER?!?''

Christmas carols rule when it's May and not December. Who would take a sleigh ride in this weather, Hilary Duff? Go come clean before you come to dinner tonight. We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be...what a fucking racist!

Oh wow. Someone on the imdb boards wrote a poem about Forrest Gump.
Caramel, Fudge and Coconut Cream
Some tastes awful and bad
Some melt in your mouth like a dream
Forrest never knew Dad
But Mama’d told him something wise
That pulls you off the rocks
Above which you can quickly rise
Life is like chocolate in a box
By this she meant of course
Never know what you’re gonna get
Pulls you like a big horse
Forrest Gump quickly grew up now
Made friends with young Jenny
In the fields near her pappy’s plow
Problems he had many.
His legs didn’t work like a bus
And he was frankly dumb
But stupid is as stupid does
He didn’t bite his thumb
Yeah but at least he was alive
His health had one more hitch
With it he taught Elvis to jive
The problem you guessed which
His legs did not work right
But one fine afternoon
Some big boys attacked Forrest Gump
He was scared, wasn’t fun
But he didn’t stand like a lump
Yelled run Forrest run
Yes that’s what Jenny yelled to him
His legs started to work
Finally he could use that limb
He could run from that jerk
Forrest grew some more
He went through high school
He went to war in Vietnam
Where he met old Bubba
And where he met Lieutenant Dan
His gun felt like rubber
When it began to rain one night
It rained week after week
Bubba liked good old shrimp alright
Was all of which he speak
When good old Bubba died
And Lieutenant Dan lost his leg
Forrest went home and cried
Yeah but before that could be done
He went to the medic
He wasn’t in pain, he could run
Others more than headache
But in that sad hospital place
He learned table tennis
Could call it ping pong in this case
A master, a menace
Became really good at the game
A USO tour
He went on for it was his fame
Companies tried to lure
But he didn’t want to sponsor
Jenny was in college
Forrest went to see her one day
She was full of knowledge
She had changed in a drastic way
Jenny wasn’t Jenny
Forrest didn’t get it
Answers there weren’t any
Money there was a bit
With it he started shrimp fishing
Like Bubba had told him
But really he was just wishing
His hopes were really dim
But after a storm struck the bay
There were no others out
And Forrest caught that sunny day
He drew the shrimping route
Surprise surprise no leg
It was crippled Lieutenant Dan
Forrest Gump didn’t beg
The lieutenant was a kind man
He was there to help fish
Oh yes, oh yes that’s what they did
They became very rich
Bubba Gump packaged with a lid
As the good business boomed
Forrest thought about small Jenny
It was the seventies, drugs loomed
Times were changing for many
To mama Forrest went
For it turns out she had Cancer
And he was beat and bent
There wasn’t any real answer
As he sat by her side
One bright clear Sunday afternoon
She went right on and died
Before the crescent moon
Forrest ran far away from there
He ran and ran and ran
To where he didn’t really care
He was big time, this man
He got on all the nightly news
That wasn’t his intent
Was trying to shake off the blues
Besides he paid no rent
He did all this and so much more
This before we meet him
On a bench by a candy store
Chocolate he bought’em
He gave that candy to his love
Jenny of course young dove
But she told him she was pregnant
With his little baby
Oh yes that’s how the story went
Yeah Forrest Jr. was his name
Married, money well spent
Jenny died all the same
And still Forrest was a daddy
He did it by himself
To the bus he took that lady
He would give him his wealth
Though Forrest wasn’t smart, he had a hat
It was a logger on his head
And that’s all I have to say about that

The human world, it's a mess.
Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there.

We live in a modern society. Husbands and wives don't
grow on trees, like in the old days. So where
does one find love? When you're sixteen it's easy, like being unleashed with a credit card
in a department store of kisses. There's the first kiss.
The sloppy kiss. The peck.The sympathy kiss. The backseat smooch.
The we shouldn't be doing this kiss. The but your lipstaste so good kiss.
The bury me in an avalanche of tingles kiss. The I wish you'd quit smoking kiss.
The I accept your apology, but you make me really mad sometimes kiss.
The I knowyour tongue like the back of my hand kiss.
As you get older, kisses become scarce.
You'll be driving home and see a damaged kiss on the side of the road, with its purple thumb out.
If you were younger, you'd pull over, slide open the mouth's red door just to see how it fits.

Oh where does one find love? If you rub two glances, you get a smile.
Rub two smiles, you get a warm feeling.
Rub two warm feelings and presto-you have a kiss.
Now what?
Don't invite the kiss over and answer the door in your underwear.
It'll get suspicious and stare at your toes.
Don't water the kiss with whisky.
It'll turn bright pink and explode into a thousand luscious splinters, but in the morning it'll be ashamed and sneak out of your body without saying good-bye, and you'll remember that kiss forever by all the little cuts it lefton the inside of your mouth.
You must nurture the kiss. Turn out the lights.
Notice how it illuminates the room.
Hold it to your chest and wonder if the sand inside hourglasses comes from a special beach. Place it on the tongue's pillow, then look up the first recorded kiss in an encyclopedia: beneath a Babylonian olive tree in 1200 B.C. But one kiss levitates above all the others. The intersection of function and desire. The I do kiss. The I'll love you through a brick wall kiss. Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth, like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones.

- jeffrey mcdaniel

asdfghjkl;

This weekend I went camping. And I got my ear pierced. And I ate s'mores and skirt steak and walked ten miles to the mini-mart for more ice. And I made another stupid mistake but hopefully I can forget it by watching bloody movies and writing a research paper, which I have not started. I did okay on the ACT, but I have at least thirteen cavities, and my favorite Lynyard Skynard song is "Tuesday's Gone," my favorite color is rainbow, and my favorite person breaks my heart every single day.

quizes suck

The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey

Make a soundtrack for your life, matching songs with the following:

Opening song: "Magic in the Air" - Badly Drawn Boy

Waking up: "Kiss Off" - Violent Femmes

First date: "Peaceful Easy Feeling" - the Eagles

First kiss: "I've Just Seen a Face" - the Beatles

Falling in love: "Is This Love" - Bob Marley

Seeing an old love: "Nothing Better" - the Postal Service

Heartbreak: "Dry the Rain" - the Beta Band

Driving fast: "What Is Love" - Haddaway

Getting ready to go out: "Stielettos (Pumps)" - Crime Mob

Partying with friends: "Scenerio" - A Tribe Called Quest

Dancing at a club: "Sway" - Dean Martin

Flirting: "Lotion" - Greenskeepers

Feeling sexy: "You're So Damn Hot" - OK Go

Walking alone in the rain: "Lake Shore Drive" - Aliotta, Haynes, Jeremiah

Missing someone: "Life on Mars?" - Seu Jorge

Playing in the ocean: "Kokomo" - the Beach Boys

Summer vacation: "Box of Rain" - Grateful Dead

Fighting with someone: "House of the Rising Sun" - Animals

Acting goofy with friends: "Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5

Thinking back: "Tuesday's Gone" - Lynyard Skynard

Feeling depressed: "Blackbird" - the Beatles

Christmas time: "Sleigh Ride" - Hilary Duff

Falling asleep: "No Other Way" - Jack Johnson

Closing song: "Saturday Sun" - Nick Drake

what i love most about rivers is, you can't step in the same river twice

Here are some theories:

• If you push back on your eyelid hard enough, your eyeball will pop out
• People who drink milk on a regular basis are pansies
• Walt Disney was a Nazi because of his whack moustache
• There will never be a better idea than Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all

I'm listening to "Konstantine" by Something Corporate. Laugh out fucking loud!! This song sucks! It's like nine minutes long and freshman year I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever written. Here's some sample lyrics:


It's to dying in anothers arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
And if this is what it takes
Just to live with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock... it's 11:11
now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

Actually, that got kind of sad at the end.

i'm your density...i mean, your destiny

Earlier, I watched part of a movie called In the Mix, starring Usher and the girl from the Lance Bass movie, On the Line. Looks like she has a thing for prepositional phrases! Anyway, there was one line in there that I truly cannot stop thinking about. I don't understand the context, the meaning, or what the scriptwriter was injecting when coming up with this shit.

"Must've been the collard greens that made me lose control."

Clearly, everyone's going to associate that sort of thing with flatuance, but I'm pretty sure bitch was trying to make a sexual inneundo. Which makes me think of having sex in Mr. McGregor's garden with a bunch of rabbits, which is illegal. I looked it up.

Another event that happened earlier this evening that is worth some form of notice is that my dear sister proclaimed that I was "really weird," shocking absolutely nobody. Here are some facts that back up her declaration, and there may be some things you never wanted to know, so your chance to back out is now:

• I eat Doritos in the shower whenever we have it around the house. It's really a glorious feeling, because you can get the "Cooler Ranch" or "Nacho Cheesier" seasoning all over your face without worrying about cleaning it up later. And, if the mood strikes, you can make some sort of goo concoction that sticks in your gums later. It's very Italian.
• I have a snowsuit that I bought at a New Hampshire thrift store that I wear a lot. When I put the snowsuit on, I become Mr. Duncan Hutchins, lifelong resident of Ogwalla, Nebraska. My mom says that this is my way of "not dealing with reality," but I think it's just a way that I am weird.
• The most delicious smell in the world is one of a freshly sharpened pencil. Barbeque, timber, the sea salt of Hawaii...all combined in your writing utensil.

Did you know most girls are really dumb? The proof lies in these little "icon" things

The first two are basically promoting illiteracy. The "Mr. Apple" one is just straight up whack. And look at what I found:

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running in her mind. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around. When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine. When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying. When a girl lays on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl wants to see you everyday, she wants to be pampered. When a girl says I love you, she means it. When a girl says "I miss you", NO ONE in this world can miss you more than that.

Words cannot express how off this little advice passage is. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not "thinking deeply" during the times when I am "not arguing." I'm thinking shit like, "when is this period over," or perhaps "I could really go for some applesauce and a grilled cheese right about now." Also, to quote the immortal Beach Boys, round round get around, I get around, and I've laid on my fair share of chests. That doesn't mean I want to be "theirs" forever. How bizarre would that be? Anyway, the point is, that shit is very wrong and not at all "cute" or "classy," not to mention "n" (I found it on "Cute n Classy Quotes.")

Here are some good songs:

"dust in the wind" - kansas
"my kind of town" - frank sinatra
"slippery people" - talking heads
"blister in the sun" - violent femmes
"hackensack" - fountains of wayne
"oh! darling" - the beatles
"taper jean girl" - kings of leon
"dress you up in my love" - madonna
"crazy" - gnarls barkley
"flake (acoustic)" - jack johnson

silence of the lambs

IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN
IT PUTS THE TACO IN ITS MOUTH

sunday nights are the dryest

From the lips without passion
To the lips with a kiss
There's nothing of your love
That I'll ever miss
The stain on my notebook
Remain all that is left
Of the memory of late nights
And coffee in bed

I'm making a concious decision to be a better person, and I'm starting with cupcakes. I added food coloring because it's my birthday on Tuesday. But it turned black, because I added all the food coloring I had. Then I ate this butter straight out of the tub, because it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything.

It's hard to take a devil-worshipper seriously when he writes "ALL HAIL THE GREAT SATIN" on the walls in animal blood. Just like it's hard to take that "Lady in Red" song seriously since it was in like 350839058 Lean Cuisine commercials.


I hardly know
this beauty by my side
I'll never forget
the way you look, tonight.

That is my love song to the entire world. I remember at my dad's wedding I told the minister that the town of Evanston was founded by Methodists and he thought I was a loser. My hair is so oily right now that if I doused an otter in its moisture, let's just say he would be a dead man.

goosebumps and tired eyes

don't forget who's taking you home
and in whose arms you're gonna be
so darling
save the last dance for me

i'll be home someday, just in one week, dry up your tears if you start to weep, and sing this lullaby to yourself

It's like escaping a hot, bright room for the serenity of a city at night, covered in snow.
People eliminated. A carpet of silence
for taxies to whisper across.
The world becoming
a pleasant dream of itself. The itch
of want smoldering to life on skin. Memory sends
a chill vanishing between vertebrae.
It's New Year's Eve. Hail the Calendar!
As if clocks will pause for a moment
before reloading their long rifles.
Years are tinyfreckles on the face of a century.
Where is the constellation we gazed at each night
Through a bill rolled so tight the first President los his breath
as our eyeballsliterally unraveled? I am alone
in the rectangular borough in the observatory,
where even fire trucks can't rescue
the arsonist stretching his calves in my brain.