life is a state of mind

I am truly bummed about this paper. I care for it like the Pope cares for lepers. I care for it in the same manner that James Blunt cares for ugly bitches. I care for it so much that I want to be snuggling it in a baby formula commercial while it sleeps soundly in my arms, beautifully and fleetingly innocent, while I whisper lullabyes in its soft ears. I care for it approximately the same amount that a fat kid cares for "Fruit N Yogurt Parfaits" or, alternatively, "Fruit N Walnut Salads" at McDonalds on a field trip when everyone else in his class is eating fries. I really like songs that tell a story about losing your virginity, or, more specifically, "Oh, What a Night" by the Four Seasons. Now, since I am 1000% bummed out, I'm going to tell you the things I hate the most on this planet.

1. ignorance
2. static electricity
3. unimposed rhythmic clapping
4. tomatoes, because they are neither a vegetable nor a fruit and that is unacceptable
5. all dentists
6. when people think they have the authority to scrutinize your bad habits when you don't even want to talk to them in the first place
7. "Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?" - "Because she was a woman!" and any other variety of that kind of shit
8. this feeling I get in my eyes when I don't blink for a long time
9. sprained body parts

See, that's all I can think of at this point in time. I can make a list of maybe a zillion things I like to balance it out. I found this on the Forrest Gump messageboard on imdb and I was laughing harder than I did when a cancerous Mandy Moore died in A Walk to Remember, or, if you want to make it quick, AW2R.

''Mama always said life was like a box of BLOODY HUMAN EYES AND FINGERS!!!!''
'Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. You want a BLOODY FINGER?!?''

Christmas carols rule when it's May and not December. Who would take a sleigh ride in this weather, Hilary Duff? Go come clean before you come to dinner tonight. We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be...what a fucking racist!

Oh wow. Someone on the imdb boards wrote a poem about Forrest Gump.
Caramel, Fudge and Coconut Cream
Some tastes awful and bad
Some melt in your mouth like a dream
Forrest never knew Dad
But Mama’d told him something wise
That pulls you off the rocks
Above which you can quickly rise
Life is like chocolate in a box
By this she meant of course
Never know what you’re gonna get
Pulls you like a big horse
Forrest Gump quickly grew up now
Made friends with young Jenny
In the fields near her pappy’s plow
Problems he had many.
His legs didn’t work like a bus
And he was frankly dumb
But stupid is as stupid does
He didn’t bite his thumb
Yeah but at least he was alive
His health had one more hitch
With it he taught Elvis to jive
The problem you guessed which
His legs did not work right
But one fine afternoon
Some big boys attacked Forrest Gump
He was scared, wasn’t fun
But he didn’t stand like a lump
Yelled run Forrest run
Yes that’s what Jenny yelled to him
His legs started to work
Finally he could use that limb
He could run from that jerk
Forrest grew some more
He went through high school
He went to war in Vietnam
Where he met old Bubba
And where he met Lieutenant Dan
His gun felt like rubber
When it began to rain one night
It rained week after week
Bubba liked good old shrimp alright
Was all of which he speak
When good old Bubba died
And Lieutenant Dan lost his leg
Forrest went home and cried
Yeah but before that could be done
He went to the medic
He wasn’t in pain, he could run
Others more than headache
But in that sad hospital place
He learned table tennis
Could call it ping pong in this case
A master, a menace
Became really good at the game
A USO tour
He went on for it was his fame
Companies tried to lure
But he didn’t want to sponsor
Jenny was in college
Forrest went to see her one day
She was full of knowledge
She had changed in a drastic way
Jenny wasn’t Jenny
Forrest didn’t get it
Answers there weren’t any
Money there was a bit
With it he started shrimp fishing
Like Bubba had told him
But really he was just wishing
His hopes were really dim
But after a storm struck the bay
There were no others out
And Forrest caught that sunny day
He drew the shrimping route
Surprise surprise no leg
It was crippled Lieutenant Dan
Forrest Gump didn’t beg
The lieutenant was a kind man
He was there to help fish
Oh yes, oh yes that’s what they did
They became very rich
Bubba Gump packaged with a lid
As the good business boomed
Forrest thought about small Jenny
It was the seventies, drugs loomed
Times were changing for many
To mama Forrest went
For it turns out she had Cancer
And he was beat and bent
There wasn’t any real answer
As he sat by her side
One bright clear Sunday afternoon
She went right on and died
Before the crescent moon
Forrest ran far away from there
He ran and ran and ran
To where he didn’t really care
He was big time, this man
He got on all the nightly news
That wasn’t his intent
Was trying to shake off the blues
Besides he paid no rent
He did all this and so much more
This before we meet him
On a bench by a candy store
Chocolate he bought’em
He gave that candy to his love
Jenny of course young dove
But she told him she was pregnant
With his little baby
Oh yes that’s how the story went
Yeah Forrest Jr. was his name
Married, money well spent
Jenny died all the same
And still Forrest was a daddy
He did it by himself
To the bus he took that lady
He would give him his wealth
Though Forrest wasn’t smart, he had a hat
It was a logger on his head
And that’s all I have to say about that

The human world, it's a mess.
Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there.