just my 'magination running away with me

Note that this entire entry (ent-ir-ey) will be in "I am" statements. How empowering!

I am on spring break. I am freshly out of the psych hospital. I am at Aaron's house right now. I am tempted to write some crazy shit at the intersection of Disturbing and Non Sequitur on his typewriter - NOT a sexual innuendo. I am currently obsessed with this song called "Bottoms Up" by Ms. KeKe P rockin the M I C. I am missing Boulder. I am having a crisis. I am still feeling this major depression even though I'm on medication. I am unaware who reads this. I am off Facebook for the time being because it was ruining my life. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I am lucky for that. I am going to get it together. I am broken hearted. I am hoping this won't last forever.

a word on sex from fifteen year old hailey

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Sex. I didn't do a Google image search on this one, because this is a family establishment, folks. Clark wrote a blog on this and I'm returning the favor. Where do I start. Oh yeah. Whether or not I'm a virgin is nobody's business but mine, and that's all I have to say about that. I believe sexuality should be sacred and respected, which is sometimes hard to do because sex is everywhere -- Abercrombie & Fitch bags, beer commercials, even that frickin suntan lotion where the baby's getting molested by the dog. This also came up while I was searching for "water babies". I think casual sex is disgusting. I'm not talking about prostitution, but getting it on with someone you just met an hour before at a party is taking it too far. This is going to sound really stupid, but I believe it's called "making love" for a reason. Sex should stem out of love, not the other way around. Lust. Clark said although it's a sin, it's hard for him because he's a guy. But who's to say that guys have a harder time containing lust than girls? I guess you could describe me as a sexual person; I'm pretty flirtatious and I usually make the first move. But when I first meet someone I'm attracted to, I'm not fantasizing about sex, I'm daydreaming about hand-holding and nervous laughs and all the other fluttery feelings I get when a relationship is new. I remember when my mom gave me my first real "sex talk". Not the egg and the sperm and shit, but how scary and damaging it can be if you're not with the right person. "First rule is that we don't lose our virginity to boys who don't call us back." I've made a lot of mistakes with guys before. I've been dumped for not putting out, I've been pressured to do things I wasn't ready for, and there've been a lot of false, hurtful rumors around about me. I know enough asshole guys and seen enough heartbroken, hysterical girls on a Friday night to make me want to pulverize ever straight man on the planet. I've been called a slut more times than I can count, and I do not enjoy being judged. You probably don't either. Some days, just the mere thought of boys grosses me out. You have a penis (the plural is penes, rhymes with beanies). Ew. I mean, you pee standing up! What the hell? Your genitalia looks like a long john donut. And where do you put it when you ride a bike? Thinking about one of those things inside me makes me want to puke. But I guess this is my biggest problem about being fifteen: sometimes I feel like I'm ten years old all over again. I'm not trying to give advice or put my values on anyone. I feel like a total dumbass typing this out because I told you, I'm really not good at this whole "being serious" thing. And...I'm done.

mhmm

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
I'll wake you up in the mornin' so early
Just to tell you I got the wandering blues
I got the wanderin' blues
And I'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon
And I'll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

everybody knows it sucks to grow up

HOMESICKNESS: You're doing it wrong.

Things I Learned From the Historically Accurate Visual Masterpiece 10,000 B.C.:
1. Everyone in caveman days has T-Pain hair, including that bitch from When A Stranger Calls.
2. Cavemen are often named after characters in Diddy Kong Racing, specifically the living stopwatch who runs the time trials, Tic Tic.
3. There were ostrich raptors in cavemen days.
4. Saber tooth tigers (who I originally thought were contenders for the pimpest animals to ever exist, followed by the Gila monster or something) have the cognitive ability to tell the difference between the cavemen who save them from a watery death and the cavemen who just want them for their "Spear Teeth."
5. In cavemen days, you could get from the frozen Shackleton tundra to a weird jungle place to the dryer than "dried out apricot paper towel" deserts in mere days of walking! (Was that desert place Egypt? I thought they were gonna show some pharaohs and shit but it was just a mass slave uprising against these chola-like shamen.)
6. In cavemen days, wonky eyes were a sign of good fortune.
7. Wise women have seizures in which they can see the future and also can breathe life into bitches via mind control? (I'm still trying to figure this part out.)
8. Cavemen love caused the couples on both my left and right to make out consistently throughout the entire movie which reiterated the fact that I had a rainbow hat on and was stuffing popcorn in my mouth like a mf Build-a-Bear in stuffing transit and was like...extremely alone. Yay!
9. Killing a mammoth is akin to buying a drink for a cavewoman when it's not Ladies Night.
10. "There is more than one way for a prophecy to be fulfilled."

It was a hilarious movie. I actually couldn't stop talking in the theatre, which was super embarrassing cus people were actually riveted by this cavemen piece of shit. I mean, it had a narrator who was not Morgan Freeman and that was their first mistake.

You know you're Fat Ashley when: you Wikipedia various restaurants, including Old Country Buffet. That is based on a true story. Also...am I currently willing to waste enough time to redesign the CSS codes on this thing right now? Nah. Let me tell you something about Colorado weather: it is absolutely bipolar and bananas. It is mf gd Mommie Dearest. Today is beautiful and warm and I'm about to make my way down to Farrand Field(/Beach) for a little bit but later this week there's supposed to be snow again.

-"We're anti-label here! We're going against the corporate world!"
-"EXCEPT FOR OUR CLOTHES."

and it ain't a microphone

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

- Nun (I really enjoyed The Sound of Music when I was in kindergarten and I thought all nuns had to do was sing and spin (spinging) on Austrian hilltops and outsmart Nazis, which is so badass. When I told my mom that my life was going to be led in a convent, she told me that seriously and specifically that nuns "aren't allowed to get married...they're married to God" which was kind of her way of saying "THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX AND WE'RE NOT CATHOLIC" but that did not matter to me. I saw a bunch of nuns in the mall on Saturday and I'm sorry, they still look pretty badass.)
- Special Effects Director (This might come off as some psychotic Michael Myers shit, but I sometimes liked to make fake blood in my kitchen sink using ketchup/catsup. And not cus I had like a blood fetish or wanted to chop people up; I just thought it was absolutely amazing that the stuff splattering all over the screen in The Relic wasn't real.)
- Mariah Carey (This still stands. Dreamlover come and rescue me!)


I keep making lists that say "Getting My Life Together" at the top in colorful Sharpie letters. Wishful thinking.