flashbacks!

I wrote this freshman fall when I should've been flossing or doing something equally productive.

Overheard at a Café in Heaven
INT. GREASY DINER - MORNING
ROB (38), GREG (26) and PETER (64) sit at a booth beside a blown-out window. A WAITRESS in a pink cardigan and a black skirt sets food down in front of each of the three and then leaves. The three begin to eat.
GREG
(chewing)
So how'd you die, anyway, Rob?
ROB
Plane crash.
GREG
Plane crash? Seriously?
ROB
Yeah, it was wild.
GREG
What was it like?
Rob clears his mouth with a swig of iced tea.
ROB
Like ... I don't know. I've never been able to explain it very well. It was like ... becoming a star. My whole body disintegrated on impact and there was a moment where I could feel it coming apart.
PETER
My God.
ROB
Yeah.
GREG
That's AWESOME.
ROB
I know.
GREG
And I thought my story was cool.
ROB
What's your story?
GREG
Sharks.
ROB
No way.
GREG
Seriously, man. Three of them. Tigers. I was the cameraman for this documentary, right? Endangered seahorses or turtles or something... I don't know. But we're shooting in this old ... I don't know, it was like a fishing boat, I guess, that had sunk. And my foot gets caught in this loop of rope still attached to the boat, like part of the shrimp net, right? So I pull out my diving knife, like this bad ass Navy SEAL thing I got at a flea market, and I start sawing on the rope, trying to get myself loose. But it's dark, right? So I accidentally go right into my foot, you know? And it starts bleeding, because I just cut it with this huge frickin' Navy SEAL knife, and now there's blood in the water, and these three sharks - there's six or seven of these tigers just kinda cruising around the wreck - these three come in and just tear me apart. They started out slow, just kinda testing at first, I guess, but then I guess they liked what they were getting.
PETER
Wow.
ROB
Oh, that's great. Sharks. Man, that's cool.
GREG
And the best part, right? Is after the first bite, I let go of the camera - 'cause I was still rolling this whole time - and the camera spins around and gets the whole thing on film.
ROB
Oh, that's classic.
GREG
I mean, they didn't put it in the documentary or anything, because it's too graphic or whatever, and I guess it doesn't really have anything to do with seahorses or whatever the hell the thing was about, but I like to think people will see it someday.
ROB
Oh, hell yeah. God, what a great way to go.
GREG
Yeah, I love that story.
ROB
You tell it well, too.
GREG
Thanks.
ROB
It's got a real ... I need that drama for my airplane story. I mean, that could be a cool story.
GREG
You have that phrase you said, though. What did you say?
(chewing)
Turning into a star?
ROB
Yeah, it was like becoming a star.
GREG
(swallows)
"Becoming a star." Yeah. See, that's poetic, that's good. Strong stuff. Now just add some details - that's what it's all about, the details, you know? You don't want to get right to the explosion first thing off, right? You gotta make em wait for it, that's showmanship. Add some details and you'll have a kickass story, I guarantee it.
ROB
Yeah.
GREG
How about you, Pete? You've been pretty quiet. How'd you go?
PETER
Died in my sleep.
Beat.
GREG
Oh.
ROB
Bummer.
Beat.
GREG
But at least you went easy, though, right? Counts for something.
PETER
Yeah.
The three sit awkwardly in silence.

strumpetize me, cap'n

"Hey ugly."
"If I grow up to have no self esteem, you're paying for the therapy bills."
"I'll pay for you to get plastic surgery."

I think Exeter made me a slut. It wasn't just me, everyone hooked up with everyone, and if there's something precious I took from my experience there, it's that I now have hoes in different area codes. I mean, they're inactive hoes, but I've kissed them all. I'm glad I transferred cus I didn't have much of a whore reputation here, except for my "advances" on Louis Hellman in eighth grade, which was all in good fun, right? I feel like my innocence was drained and stolen from me, and even when I'm lying next to my boyfriend now and he tells me he loves me, how beautiful I am, how he wants to be with me forever, I keep thinking I've heard this all before. It's fucking sad, and I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes. Nothing I can really do about it now.

Now I will resort to my couch like a beached whale and try not to vomit. I hope everyone's having a good summer so far, mine feels absent cus so many people are out of town. Give me a call.

"Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey is the greatest song ever written, other than the Star-Spangled Banner or some shit like that. Boy don't you know you can't escape me, ooh darling cus you'll always be my baby.

Finals week is to Hailey as dry anal rape is to girl scout. YAY!
It's too bad analogies aren't on the SAT anymore, cus I'm relatively good at those. Here's a list of things I'm good at:
1. Drinking water out of saucers.
2. Stealing flowerpots from Peter Jans.

I hope I don't have the black lung, Pop. I should max on some ramen and go to sleep.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words"