that he wasn't even an angel, just a liar with wings

Two thousand seven is about to be finis, finit, finito, and I have several exciting entries planned for the new year!, including but not limited to:
- weird gum that looks like it's shitting itself on the package (I'm looking at you, Denteyne ChocoMint!)
- why old people are quietly plotting the downfall of America
- ways to lose weight that may or may not involve Carmen Electra's striptease videos

yeah, well, csi: miami is the worst csi of all!

I'm so mixed up sometimes. Fruit cocktail...what a killer combo. Fruit + cock + tail.
My normal circadian rhythms have fallen by the wayside since I've gotten to college.

Do you think it's a blessing or a curse to have the ability to consistently entertain yourself?

Mon
Dec 17 Sunny
29°/20° 20%
29°F

The day I come home is the only valid "sunny" day in the entire ten day Chicago forecast. 
Never mind...! the fact that if all goes according to plan, my flight will land at 9:35 pm.
Bitch Fat Betch would be a hilarious name for a sorority. For girls who ask if butter is a carb and actually mean it and who relate to Winnie-The-Pooh a little too much.

and it's dark, and there is nobody driving, and something has got to give

Ursula from The Little Mermaid is the scariest fucking drag queen this side of the Mississippi, and I'm including those Memphis drag queens who beat the living daylights out of a McDonald's employee.

You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! AND DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF BODY LANGUAGE, HA!

Little kids are the biggest tweakballs ever. I used to watch The Little Mermaid on the daily, then rewind the VHS and watch it again, as if it would alter the storyline at all. And I related to the character of Flounder (the wimpy yellow fish who has a disturbingly bulbous nose) much more than Ariel. My mommy was Ariel, and my dad was Prince Eric, and I was Flounder. Would The Vag Advantage be a good title for a book about the situations where women have the upper hand over men (i.e. getting out of gym class because of "cramps," benefiting from the acrylic nail industry, etc.)?

Finals Songs:
"I Wish My Baby Was Born" - the Be Good Tanyas
"Chemicals React" - Aly & AJ
"Since You Stole My Heart" - Saturday Looks Good to Me
"The Last Unicorn" - America
"Ballerina" - Leona Neass
"Love Stoned" - Justin Timberlake
"Ocean" - John Butler Trio

"Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit more than gigantic wreaths on the parking garage at O'Hare International Airport."

baby i'm bad news

My life has recently taken an interesting turn. The only comment I can make about this is that I can't wait to see what happens.

honesty

• TEN THINGS THAT I COULD NOT GO ON WITHOUT:

1. my friends - yes, that includes you
2. oral fixation (biting nails and cuticles, chewing gum and popping bubbles)
3. finding beauty in the world in the silliest places
4. number two pencils
5. down comforters
6. beats that i can feel in my bones
7. saving the tootsie roll pop wrappers that have the shooting star indian on them (they're good luck)
8. being a little bit scared of the future but in a good way
9. bookstores
10. the expression "yeah man"

i haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime

Last night, I apologized to this kid down the hallway who I once drunk dialed and told him that I never wanted to speak to him again and that his girlfriend was a banshee bitch. But it was a pretty poorly constructed apology, since I told him that he "lacks social graces" and that his girlfriend should never be let out during the full moon. But it's the thought that counts, right?

like i couldn't do it for you LIKE YOUR MISTRESS COULD!!

When I was a little girl, I lived in a house right next to Dyke Stadium (later renamed "Ryan Field" for the sake of lesbians everywhere), where Northwestern University holds its football games. Since we lived so close, I got hella ca$h by holding lemonade/apple cider stands in my front yard, because I paid the co$t to be the bo$$. But on this day, I was chilling on my front steps, enjoying a cherry popsicle (I would rub it all over my mouth to make lipstick), pigtails and clad in Limited Too. And then a couple of drunk college students came wandering from their local tailgating party over to my house. And this guy whipped out his dick and pissed on the tree in my front yard, completely oblivious to my cherry popsicled self. 

It's weird, I just remembered this a couple weeks ago. PTSD?

I wonder if there's a reason why this happened to me. I must have pissed someone off a lot in a past life or something. I can't stop thinking about how retarded I must have been to let it happen. Maybe I did deserve it.

it's alll a mystery

I thought I was smart
I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue, in always being cool
So it came time to fight
I thought "I'll just step aside"
And that the time will prove you wrong
And that you would be a fool
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlight begins
It's all a mystery

yo, the next time you eat eggs, picture them covered in yogurt, and the next time you eat yogurt, picture it containing eggs

My computer's being wack-a-mole right now and a lot of letters are only showing up white on white. I am in Biology lecture and I usually don't bring my computer along because I dunno, there's something to be said for hand-written notes, but I have to write a three page paper on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by 5 pm. I also am a nosy motherfucker and always look at what people are doing on their computers. Once, there was this sketchy skinny white boy with bifocals and a G-Unit oversized shirt who A number one) had a VENTI STRAWBERRY PINK AS A MY LITTLE PONY'S HAIR Frappachino drink in one hand and was doing Text Twist with the other. I see that kid all the time, man. I think he was the one who spend over $600 on phone sex hotlines from his dorm room. I'm really afraid I might crash soon when I still have to go to Environmental Justice class and find references and edit this stupid paper. My mouth is as dry as a fucking dried ass apricot on a desert island that's been rolling around in paper towels. I don't give no fuck about recessive alleles. This weekend was probably the worst of my entire life, because, let's face it, when it rains, it pours. Too bad Fat Joe didn't incorporate that old saying into his smash hit "Make It Rain."

Look at a picture, they're always fun to see:

for real

It is a little frightening that I lost the three basically most important material objects in my life right now.

1. My cell phone. I have terrible separation anxiety surrounding my cell phone. It is vital to my survival. If I lose it like in my tiny ass room I freAK out and have someone call it everytime. And now it's out there in the holistic great wide Earth.
2. My id card. This gets me meals and allows me access to my dorm and more or less qualifies me as a student.
3. My brand new winter coat (I am assuming that my cell phone and id card are in one of the million pockets it has). I live in like the mountains. This is some Into The Wild, Discovery Channel bullshit show on the untouched by society parts of the world, mf wildnerness. Like my house is in the mountains. Out there, it's cold as Santa Claus's tit if he had frostbite and had to skin reindeer for coats of warmth, including Rudolf's (typo but I like it) red nose as a button. Also I literally just received this beautiful coat in the mail on Thursday. (Thanks Dad.)

The reason why this is so frightening is because I never, ever, ever lose this shit. I have this ritual with myself before I leave any party slightly/moderately/extremely intoxicated where I CHECK to make sure I didn't leave anything behind. I will make sure I have my cell phone and my id card and wearing a coat is pretty standard for Colorado nights in November.

The fact that I didn't check for these and also
1. That I woke up still drunk
2. That I do not remember going home 
3. That I do not remember where I went after that last frat

is scary to me.

you can't just do that!

Has anyone ever had sex in space?

i'm lonely, but i ain't that lonely yet

I go down to the river
Filled with regret
I go down and I wonder
If there was any reason left
I left just before my lungs could get wet
I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

i have to be a quarter, not a nickel or dime

• Fuck Facebook. Everytime I go on this stupid blue and white dumbass site I feel my soul getting sucked into some black magic vortex composed of digital photo albums and status updates.
• I heard a Beyonce song tonight called "Suga Mama" in which she screams, "TAKE MY CREDIT CARD!" at the end.
• I cannot afford toothpaste. Speaking of bums, read this story. :(.
• Are emoticons (i.e. :), :\, etc) a turn off? I like this one: =).
• I link songs to specific memories more than any living being should. They get their own certain dedication and location. Sometimes I can remember my exact mindset the first time I truly listened to it.
• The TI-83 machine gun scandal is a pretty good one.
• Remember when we used *asterisks* to talk to each other online?
• *Nozzztalgia*
• Strange thought: there are certain relationships that you will have that nobody will ever truly understand what was going on there (what am I thinking of here? Fall 2005 with a chapped lipped kitchen boy. Yeah what?)
• Time to study for Linguistics!

i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake (...yeah those are fall out boy lyrics, no i am not a 13-year-old asian boy)

"When the lights are off and we are cleaning stuff, IT MEANS, WE ARE CLOSED!!!!! DONT ASK US TO OPEN JUST FOR YOU!!!! YOU WILL LIVE WITHOUT YOUR PRECIOUS NASTY ASS NACHOS AND BAD ASS CHEESE!!!! THERE ARE GAS STATIONS A BLOCK AWAY!!!!"

I'm taking this class called Environmental Justice, where we read all these philosophy conclusions on why animals deserve rights and why zoos are inhumane and so on. It's a pretty long class in mid-afternoon, and for some reason I always get this craz-ving for Popeye's or maybe KFC during it. Gimme those chickens bred to grow so large that they can’t even walk, and break their wings and legs. Feed those hot motherfuckers through tubes!! JK like Rowling. Your meal from Popeye's should actually only be consummated about as often as the X-Games or something. It will give you a mf hangover after you shit out the entire contents of your stomach and perhaps the tip of your colon.


Songs That I Like That the Plebeians Do Not Appreciate!:
"Intervention" - Arcade Fire
"Marching Bands of Manhattan" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Something to Believe In" (aka the Gossip Girl theme song) - Aqualung
"Postcards From Italy" - Beirut
"Wolf Like Me" - TV On The Radio
All of the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack


Who in the blue hell thought that kiwis and strawberries should always be paired together? This Gatorade actually tastes like legit Jell-O. Not to mention the fact that it's been in the fridge for probably 25 years. This Gatorade could go to war and die for its country.

turn out the light and what are you left with

Tomorrow, I am driving sixteen hours (from Boulder to San Diego) with Bob Dole and Root Beer Kevin to get some In and Out burgers and hit up Legoland and the Pacific Ocean. There is something so Wes Anderson/Rocket Power/Volkswagen commercial/heavenly about this whole idea. Also, we're driving through Utah going door to door with The Origin of Species and to promote polyandry to the more open-minded folk. And Las Vegas. I think we might just pee in a fountain or go to a strip club for like ten minutes there since none of us have a fake.

 

you must not know bout me

WWW.TF.(com)

this is my message to you hoo hoo
(yoo-hoo? what? i saw a litttle girl get her tongue stuck in a motherfucking yoo-hoo bottle on rescue 911 once. also, are there copyright infringement laws involving yoo-hoo - and i am using a hyphen here because i'm feeling weirdly british and like to inject absurd grammatical rules like putting "U"s in random words like "color" - and youtube?)

bermuda
bahama
come on pretty mama
- this is the greatest song ever. recorded.


maaaaaaaaaaaaaan i felt like rollerskating at the PLAYDIUM tonight. the first boy/girl party on planet earth took place there, like with cavemen and shit. everything about the playdium is wonderful. all they have to drink there is straight up High Fructose Corn Syrup. they don't even front with false pretenses about "Tropical Punch" or "Lemon-Aid." the playdium is fun. COUPLE SKATE!!! make sure you wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before that bad boy.



you know what else is fun? tracing your vericose veins with a highlighter. this one is called the Tigress. and you can spot the Circle of Fertility in between these two spots.


on another note, i am officially starving. i think if i ever become in a position of political power, i will mandate that all restaurants should be open 24 hours a day. it would create jobs. it makes complete sense. do you ever wake up at 4 in the morning and just LUST after some motherfucking greek food? dear santa claus, this is what i want for christmas:

gyros sandwich
lemon fries
white sauce (not a term for semen b-t-dubbbs)
water
baklava

also, santa, did i mention that this year christmas falls on 4:57 AM (mountain time), september 9, 2007? chop chop.

let's pwn some n00bs




what you've done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it won't be long before
you'll be pullin yourself away

Also

Did you guys know that in freshman year of high school I prank called this boy I had a crush on and just played "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey really loud? Completely bad ass.

an incomplete list of "things easier said than done"

• Following through when an enraged authority figure tells you to "WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!"
• Climbing a palm tree
• Having "a happy period," as Always (trademark!) instructs. Periods will only make you happy if you've been irresponsible that month, and even then it's only for like a second.
• Passing the Slurpee machine in 7-11 without sticking your fingers in the melted mess like a fiendish fruit fly*
• Emotional detachment away from someone you've been in love with for almost a year
• Convincing yourself that this was the right decision

*Applies to grade-A Crackheads only.

zero 7 is also good

Try talking to you
While you do, while you do
I swap places with you
Just to see things through
Just sing me the tune
And you'll see
I'll keep it here for you
I'll wait for your cue

You wrote down all the words
Black and white
On a wall
Just keepin' it so
Yeah you know how it goes
No plans for a change, nothing strange
No not today, no way
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

ok so

thom yorke is pretty weird, and i'm not denying it. i'm sure he goes to the local hospital to look at sick people and stuff, and he makes lyrics like "yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon." but here's the thing: listening to radiohead is a fucking spiritual experience.

for a minute there, i lost myself.

~Passion 4 Fashion~

What I have to say needs to be written out longhand.

happy xMaz. mr. harry kotter !

-"Oh my gosh. We're playing for breast cancer."
-"I think you mean that we're playing for breast cancer AWARENESS. Or even a cure!"
-"Whatever...pink is like, the national color of breast cancer."
-"Yeah. Breast cancer AWARENESS. You don't want to promote various forms of cancer, you know?"
-"If there was a sunshine of gayness, I'd soak myself silly in it!"
-"Oh, Lord."

the paula deanda saga

I know I'm a hot hot shorty
But you gotta slow down (slow down)
You don't know me (don't know me)
I you're in a hot hot hurry
You gotta go now (go now), back up off me (off me)

oh lord. i kinda fucked upppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp tonight.

I'm going to Yah Mo Burn This Place To The Ground

there are no gd drinks in my mf house except for this lemonade that tastes like pee with a slogan that says "reverse your thirst" which doesn't even make sense because i want to quench my thirst not flip it around. i've been drinking tap water raskolnikov style, but i'm not addign any crystal lite: raspberry ice to it because i think it correlated to the three nose bleeds i got in the past week. here's the thing about nose bleeds: fucking strange. there is always a kid in your third grade glass, probably the one in the fly-eye glasses and maternally purchased cargo pants who has to interrupt the lesson because he has a nose bleed. again. but yeah, that crystal lite is good in moderation. it was like when i was up to watching a horror movie every night of the week (children of the corn, hellraiser 2, saw III, dead silence, jason x) and had a dream where i was killing people and didn't even realize it. it's funny because i am the least violent person this side of greenpeace.com and i see a lot of myself in jason voorhees. i love my fridaythe13forum so much. andy calls me a nerdy nerd give you lovin long time! because i'm now the current moderator of hellhole but like, you're the one who's always trying to organize lan parties and shit. that's my guy doe. shoutout.



sometimes i prefer typing in all lowercase letters, not cus i think i'm e.e. cummings (porn name: oh. oh. cummings) or some shit but i like the way it all fits. i got a job at the GLEN 10 movie theaters haha bitchessssssss! NO OUTSIDE FOOD ALLOWED! that would be contraband and i will promptly eat it unless it is tomatoes or kashi. i'm working on two school projects at once right now. fucking goddamnit! give me that rainbow writing and some non tap water and i will be pleased. and let school be over or else i will od on this carmex. by literally ingesting it. internal bleeding!

my favorite poem in the whole wide world

The Quiet World

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
-- Jeffrey McDaniel

they say my lip gloss is poppin, my lip gloss is coooooooo0ol

What in the blue hell is going on in this picture? It was in the Art Institute and I couldn't stop staring at it. The harpist in the middle is also the guy in 3-6 Mafia (Academy Award winners! Dope boy fresh!) - the one who had his bebe luV up from Nashville and she made an aphrodisiac out of sour cream or some shit. It reminds me of that one lunch table of really sad obese girls who put pink goop in their hair. Yes. The Pink Goopers of the world dragging a member of 3-6 Mafia back into the sea, while some goons sit in the VIP section with shells on their heads. I love the word "goon" almost as much as I love the word "banshee."

The lead singer of Architecture for Helsenki sounds exactly like Stuart from Mad TV. Evidence: His high pitched whisper and the lyrics like, "don't slide down the banister / be-causssse you'll injure / your googoo / and that's all some men have going for them."

It feels good to write again.

Welcome back, Professor Oak.

i can't form sentences correctly good anymore

Some Good Ideas (do not steal):

- Next My Mom

- Condiment Condoms: from mustard to soy sauce, yo flavor is ready

- Sleeping Beauty fairy powers transferred to my blood stream

crimson

and clover

over

and over

don't suck on fred's head...that's daphne's job

The other night I was at Tani's while my Burger King sat outside because that shit is XXX NONKOSH XXX and not allowed inside. I found this picture of him from eighth grade graduation with this man teddy bear and had to steal it. It was vital to my survival. Actually, I didn't steal it because it was in a decorated frame and looked pretty precious to his old man and like, my conscious was on overdrive. Point is, Tani, give me that goddamn picture before sell your five year old stripper sister to some water buffaloes.

I've been looking at Postsecret for the last couple minutes. Here are some particularly touching ones. Goddamn...this website really understands the human spirit. I need to go out there and pay $29.99 for a book of them all. I JUST WANT SOME CONNECTION!

You're the only one who stuck it out last night

The only other one who caught the other line

You're the only one when this world collides

The one that I can't deny

The Bakery

CLERK: Good day, Miss. What can I do for you?

CUSTOMER: I want to buy some gorgeous bread.

CLERK: Do you want a loaf of whole-grain blood or would you like some buttermilk booties?

CUSTOMER: Just a regular loaf with sesame baboons on textbooks on it.

CLERK: All right now, how about some nice Flavor of Love cake?

CUSTOMER: Well, I have 100 children, and they all like to eat sweet wild blueberries. How much are your cookies?

CLERK: We have Cooler Ranch chip cookies at cien dollars a pound. And we have this box of assorted little shaved pussies for only two dollars.

CUSTOMER: I'll take one. They look like they don't have more than THE NUMBER 23 calories.

CLERK: All right. That will be one box of Scooby-Doo fans, our special indigo berry pie, and a big family-sized loaf of astronaut.

a toad the power mower caught

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

diz iz y im hott

I have a confession to make, and it's not that I just licked the bottom of my Lean Cuisine tray for any excess peanut sauce. I saw Dead Silence (the movie about a ghost ventriloquist) today, and I liked it. It was decently scary, and I don't usually get scared in horror movies because I've seen so many of them. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but TOOT-TOOT! or WAA-NUU-GAH! James and Leigh are one "killer!" pair.

I'm going to this, y'all! July 6-8 in Indianapolis. Okay summer. We see you. Along with analyzing poetry and studying Euro.

sexy time

"To Catch a Predator" on Dateline is the most watched show among common woodland animals, including the owls who can twist their heads all around. It's basically the shit and has the most standard format that I've ever seen on a news show. It shows a snippet of an online conversation between a predator and a decoy underage girl (the predators have screen names like "luvs2eaturpeach") and they go along these lines:


luvs2eaturpeach: don't tell anybody about our rendez-vous. i could go to jail.
VulnerableUnderagedVagina12: good idea!
luvs2eaturpeach: just using my noodle
luvs2eaturpeach: so you can use my other noodle


then they show the predators creeping to the decoy's house and walking into the kitchen. The girl asks, "Did you bring my M&Ms?" and they pat pat pat their pockets. "Did you bring the condoms?" she asks. Pat pat pat. Then This Guy pops out of nowhere:




"So...you were planning to have a fruit salad party, weren't you, Mr. Loves To Eat Your Peach?"
"I was not gonna have sex with her."
"So why did you bring the condoms? Do you know how old this girl was?"
"Uh..."
"Thirteen. That is illegal. Do you know who I am?"
"No."
"Sure you do. I am CHRIS HANSEN, investigative reporter. You're on Dateline, and you've been caught."


At this point, the predator runs from the house and gets tasered on the lawn by the police, and then probably taken to jail. The whole thing shouldn't be so funny, because those guys should not be seeking young girls for sex, but it is. It would be amazing if you went into chat rooms with a seedy rooms and caught the Dateline people. And then you showed up with your own video camera and some confetti and say, "GOTCHYA, LIL FELLA! Two can play this game!" Haha! Power to the predators.

apathetic!

J'ai faim j'ai faim

child-->adulthood

I am three years old in this picture. I could probably get at least 10 bucks for the wild tortoise. Turtles can sell anywhere from $2 to $1000 on the Internet, even if they're Chinese. Same with feral children. It was the day that a giraffe licked me, black tongue and all. You know what they say about giraffes, right? Once you go black tongue, you do not get coal miner's lung!




This is me at the age of seventeen. As you can see, not much has changed. I still want to "Party All the Time" like Eddie Murphy and Rick James suggested back in the day. The best part of that classic comes during the timeslot of 1:04-1:07. Eddie Murphy laments, "I buy you champagne and roses, put diamonds on your finger" and Rick James says in this sultry banshee voice, "diamonds on your fingaaaaaaa." Oh man. It lands a spot on this list:

Things That are Hilarious That Words Cannot Properly Explain:

1. Rapidly rubbing the velvet ceiling of a car.
2. Those lines in the Trina song - "I can't even look at your face without wanting to slap you! / Damn I thank God I ain't get that tattoo" - that prompted my dad to turn off the radio and say, "jeez!"
3. Diamonds on your fingaaaaaa.
4. The fact that Hamlet sounds like a freaking Walker Brother entree.





AND now I'm going to be eighteen in less than an hour!

"If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out! Out of service, out of Africa, I wouldn't hang about!" - Zazu's gay ass

this guns for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

My poor cat Kitty a.k.a. Big Kitty BK a.k.a. Queen Latifah is in mourning. She does not have the means nor the ability to conceive kittens, or else I'm sure she would've gotten some action from our Siamese main man, Ricky a.k.a. "Rickki" according to the stupid vet certificates (his last name is not Lake and he does in fact know who sired his child) a.k.a Mr. Marberry a.ka. Rick-a-lick a.k.a. My Mom Hates You Because You Took A Shit On Her Bed One Time. He is Siamese...and he'll please!

Anyway, back to Kitty's little problem. During the night, she takes clean shirts out of the laundry basket and carries it softly in her mouth, mrowing pitifully. Mroaw rowwwww. Fucking sad. It reminds me of a coyote's howl, except the coyote is the one affixed to the wall at Taco Bell and he's depressed because he wants a Gordita or a Chalupita or a Funkalicia and can't get any of those.

Taco Bell does not want you to get mono. This is a smart business move cus mono makes your pee look/smell like Fanta which is almost as gross as sucking cottage cheese out of someone's asshole with a crazy straw. And the cottage cheese is from Laura Ingalls Wilder's cottage in the Big Woods.

I'm averaging six posts a day on the Friday the 13th Online Forum. That's pretty nerdy, but not as bad as spending hours making videos of my Counter-Strike highlights to the tune of Kevin Federline's smash hit "Lose Control." Oh, I smell a hit with that one! Wait...do hits smell like used tuna? You know who you are. I'm trying this new diet of whenever I get a hunger pain, I drink Diet Coke or water. If I'm super hungry, I'll have an Arnold Palmer. That's also a lie.

Oregon is the most beautiful place you've ever seen. I swear, I'll take you there and we can swim in the cold mountain water and climb the pine trees, even the burnt ones from the last fire. There are guitar chords and Indian men with sticks with bells and little fishies that are just trying to make it down that stream. You and I are exactly the same, except you are convex and I am concave, so let us spoon in our different similarities. I will fill myself with your stories of my life and we will be happy.

i still go to taco bell, drive thru, raw as hell - fergie

Should this be in bullet points just for Kix (Kid Tested, Mother Approved)? Yes.

• My dental hygienist is the shit. First she told me that I should always eat large quantities of Swedish Fish at a time rather than taking smaller portions because then the sugar doesn't build itself up buttercup. Then she recommended me to an oral surgeon for my upcoming wisdom teeth removal and said, "All of these guys are good, but this one is spicy. If you're gonna have your teeth yanked out, then you should at least have someone easy on the eyes." It should also be noted that the oral surgeon in question is named "Sohledgebreg" and she circled the "oh" part.


• I hope the White Hen on Central never ever closes. It sells the Arizona Ice Tea product "Arnold Palmer."

I drink so much of this stuff that if they cut open my veins tonight, they'd find it swimming around in my blood. You know they approached him and were like, we wanna base a half iced tea/half lemonade beverage off your image, and Arnie Arn said, "Make it approximately the length and width of my dick." And then Arizona Iced Tea Inc executives were like, shit, we better make this stuff low calorie so it won't kill people because of how large the serving sizes are.

Q: What's a regional math team's preferred drink?
A: ARML Palmer.

Recently downloaded songs:

• "Breathe Me" - Sia
• "Making Memories of Us" - Keith Urban aka my mom's ringtone
• "Faust" - Gorillaz
• "Ghetto Gospel" - 2pac & Elton John
• "Glamorous" - Fergie (I mean, she is the Dutchess)
• "This Year" - Mountain Goats
• "100,000 Fireflies" - the Magnetic Fields
• "Nobody's Fool" - Avril Lavigne!

  I'm not the milk and Cheerios in your spoon / It's not as simple, here we go,
  not so soon! / I might have fallen for that when I was fourteen and a little
  more green /But it's amazing what a couple of years can mean

• Favorite Internet face (not emoticon, that's a silly word): :-*
• Favorite Internet face that looks like he's being raped: ;0

passion, it is true, is not quite the fitting word for what i wish to express, said hegel

My name is Hailey and I'm here to tell you about American Girl Dolls.


Some dress up as Plains Indians for Halloween and shoot anybody that comes near them.

Some are on that Hostel shit and no one is paying her. In fact, she is the one paying THEM!

Some are named Josephina and have blind people glasses when they go to the beach.

Some sit in dirty poses.



Some are used as evidence on Law & Order: SVU (dun dun.)


I have lately been talking back to the characters on Degrassi. Darcy just reminded Spinner about their vow to remain virgins until marriage. Spinner says, "Virgins. Yeah, totally." I say, "Haha! No!" and I didn't even realize it. It's like that time when I was in Panino's alone with my chicken and The Parkers or something was on the tv and Monique (my fucking hero) said something along the lines of "that ain't funny worth a damn!" and I laughed extremely hard.

currently: filling out an eharmony personality profile

I sneezed TWENTY-FOUR times in A ROW today. A fucking row. It was insane. It was almost like the time I drank a gallon of milk in a minute...via an udder of a young buck. (Bambi's father figure = Yung Buc = a real rapper's name?) Why don't I drink some Purell and chase it with a couple of my trademark sweet berry slushie Tums (tum tum tum TUMS). Now we can sit out on my veranda and watch the geese fuck each other in the ass and remember about the Pudding Seige of '92 and when we were happy. Ho He Ho! Hailey backwards is Yeliah, also known as QUEEN OF THE YETIS. Give me some fucking Laughing Cow cheeses and I will eat them all! I know they are the rich man's Cheez Whiz but why can't my mom stop buying POISON Dranks and get me some fucking mother LOLCOWOL. Goodnight from the fringes of my mind, goodnight from my bones which are infiltrated by the cold.

do you always trust your first inital feeling?

how the faces of love have changed turning the pages
and I have changed oh, but you, you remain ageless
I turned around
and the water was closing all around
like a glove
like the love that had finally, finally found me.

french "phrase a day"

"Let's make some hot chocolate."
"Who ate all the cake?"
"I wear a medium."
"Excuse me, is there a playground nearby?"
"It's none of your business."

once upon a time i was falling in love, but now i'm only falling apart

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" is arguably the most emotional song ever written. This shit's like, seven minutes of turn arounds and teary piano drips. A few summers ago this woman who was living in the alley behind my townhouse complex freaked out and started screaming this song in the middle of the street, then homegirl let proceded her wonky breasts out to play.

Once upon a time, there was light in my life.
But now there's only love in the dark.

Turn around, bright eyes.

Writing these lyrics out makes me think of that time when we submitted "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson to the poetry publication at school.

On a
Monday
I am
wait
ing.

On a Tuesday,
I am
f
a
ding.

And by
WEDNESDAY

ican'tsleep.


There's a lot of stuff I want to do this year. They include, but are not limited to: capturing a feral child, hitting up Paul Finnegan's courtside Bulls seats, not failing math, listing the names of my favorite fonts, learning all the state birds (I just feel like that will come in handy), and I would really be curious to try that concoction that we did all the time in the summer before freshman year. (A bottle of "The Works*," a layer of aluminum foil, and an empty bottle with its cap. Put ingredients in bottle, shake and throw in the street. Run away. Listen for explosion.) I'm trying to go to Europe too, but we'll see as far as my legal tender goes.

*Not neccessarily available in Value Pack