turn out the light and what are you left with

Tomorrow, I am driving sixteen hours (from Boulder to San Diego) with Bob Dole and Root Beer Kevin to get some In and Out burgers and hit up Legoland and the Pacific Ocean. There is something so Wes Anderson/Rocket Power/Volkswagen commercial/heavenly about this whole idea. Also, we're driving through Utah going door to door with The Origin of Species and to promote polyandry to the more open-minded folk. And Las Vegas. I think we might just pee in a fountain or go to a strip club for like ten minutes there since none of us have a fake.

 

you must not know bout me

WWW.TF.(com)

this is my message to you hoo hoo
(yoo-hoo? what? i saw a litttle girl get her tongue stuck in a motherfucking yoo-hoo bottle on rescue 911 once. also, are there copyright infringement laws involving yoo-hoo - and i am using a hyphen here because i'm feeling weirdly british and like to inject absurd grammatical rules like putting "U"s in random words like "color" - and youtube?)

bermuda
bahama
come on pretty mama
- this is the greatest song ever. recorded.


maaaaaaaaaaaaaan i felt like rollerskating at the PLAYDIUM tonight. the first boy/girl party on planet earth took place there, like with cavemen and shit. everything about the playdium is wonderful. all they have to drink there is straight up High Fructose Corn Syrup. they don't even front with false pretenses about "Tropical Punch" or "Lemon-Aid." the playdium is fun. COUPLE SKATE!!! make sure you wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before that bad boy.



you know what else is fun? tracing your vericose veins with a highlighter. this one is called the Tigress. and you can spot the Circle of Fertility in between these two spots.


on another note, i am officially starving. i think if i ever become in a position of political power, i will mandate that all restaurants should be open 24 hours a day. it would create jobs. it makes complete sense. do you ever wake up at 4 in the morning and just LUST after some motherfucking greek food? dear santa claus, this is what i want for christmas:

gyros sandwich
lemon fries
white sauce (not a term for semen b-t-dubbbs)
water
baklava

also, santa, did i mention that this year christmas falls on 4:57 AM (mountain time), september 9, 2007? chop chop.

let's pwn some n00bs




what you've done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it won't be long before
you'll be pullin yourself away

Also

Did you guys know that in freshman year of high school I prank called this boy I had a crush on and just played "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey really loud? Completely bad ass.

an incomplete list of "things easier said than done"

• Following through when an enraged authority figure tells you to "WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!"
• Climbing a palm tree
• Having "a happy period," as Always (trademark!) instructs. Periods will only make you happy if you've been irresponsible that month, and even then it's only for like a second.
• Passing the Slurpee machine in 7-11 without sticking your fingers in the melted mess like a fiendish fruit fly*
• Emotional detachment away from someone you've been in love with for almost a year
• Convincing yourself that this was the right decision

*Applies to grade-A Crackheads only.