give thanks and praises

Swans are monogamous creatures. Nice work. I bet in the bird world, harpies (In Greek mythology, smelly, razor-sharp clawed birds, who defiled the food of King Phineus of Salmydessus) resent these fuckers.


It's my goal to kill my upcoming final exams with every weapon in Clue. I'm going to wrench my Religious Studies paper and then candlestick my Sociology exam and also revolver whip my Psychology test until I am victorious.

this sweater vest only cost me 50 cents. a large fries costs more than this sweater vest.

Things You Will Like More If You Smoke Weed, As They Irresistibly Appeal To The Five Senses:
- Planet Earth
- all you can eat buffets
- Family Guy (WARNING: this may turn on you and end up freaking you out hardcore, i.e. when Peter is Mary Poppins and murders those British children)
- coloring books and a wide range of Sharpies
- the dialogue on Gossip Girl. I mean, I know it's only a show...but ugh, nobody can be that stupid.
- feeling nostalgic and going through Facebook pictures from high school, because it is a wonderful relief remembering how little of it really mattered.
- any candy that looks like it's kind of made out of radioactive toxic waste or is just straight up sugar (i.e. Fun Dip, Pixie Sticks, Baby Bottle Pops).
- showering and then curling up with hot chocolate and a good book (This book definitely knows what's up.)
- natural history museums
- glowsticks
- learning American Sign Language to Mariah Got That Fiyaah's Touch My Body.
- StumpleUpon. (Obviously. Just don't get too antisocial and fall into the trap of becoming entrenched in looking up Einstein quotes and botanic trivia and things like that.)
- http://moodstream.gettyimages.com/usa/
- FLAMIN' HOT CHEETOS. Flamin' Hot Fritos are also acceptable. And then you'll look like you got into a factory mishap with red fingers.




i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

-- e.e. cummings


Goddamn. When poetry is bad, it's absolutely terrible (i.e:
"We've been together a long time
in both good times and bad,
Even though some times were uneasy
it's been the best six months I've ever had...")
but when it's good...it can be the most beautiful arrangement of words that it makes me want to cry.

"a lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you" - fortune cookie

12 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal:

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.
10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

FIN.

A Change Is Gonna Come.

On Halloween, my girls and I got to see Jedi Mind Tricks at the Fox for free, because that kind of service is feasible when you have titties and are wearing an extremely inauthentic Indian Maiden costume and you know a guy who knows the bouncers. The show was, in the words of so many neon-emblazoned snowboarder Boulder boys, "sick" - these guys are underground hip-hop but are also extremely politically conscious, which are two characteristics that are totally up my alley and down my block, so to speak. They also made jokes like, "you can't get any pussy if you're a fat rapper. Fat R&B singers...they get all the pussy," and then breaking into a quivering harmony sounding a lot like the end of "Love in This Club." They started that repetition game that's fun to partake in when you're at a rap concert, starting with "FUCK GEORGE BUSH!" (Audience: "FUCK GEORGE BUSH!") and "O-BAAAAA-MA!" (Audience: "O-BAAAAA-MA!") and I know it sounds silly in this context, but screaming that was the first time I felt a warm glimmer of confidence and faith that Barack Obama would be our next President.

I clearly remember the day Bush was re-elected in 2004. (Especially those fucking frightening chants of "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!"). I don't think I've ever felt so crushed and disappointed and powerless in my life. It was so frustrating that I couldn't even vote because I was only fifteen at the time, and because apparently the rest of the nation didn't think that CHANGE was as important as I did. I cried for a while in my dorm room, but then I updated my AIM info (oh, AOL Instant Messenger. What a hefty part of my social life you were for a while back then) to: OBAMA '08 in the largest font I could fit in the space provided.

Barack Obama gave the Keynote Address at the 2004 DNC. I'm pretty sure that "the audacity of hope" will someday be as nationally recognizable as "four score and seven years ago" is. It just completely embodied everything that needed to happen to stop America's downfall. And when he was done, I have been obsessed with Obama. (Although I am a Hillary fan as well and I would've happily voted for her if she had won the nomination.) This guy grew up all over the place and is so fucking intelligent and yes, he can inspire a nation to change their collective cynical political mindset to one of HOPE, but he has solutions to the awful mess our country is in. And honestly, I think one of the worst parts of the Bush administration is that they DELIBERATELY lied to and KNOWINGLY misinformed the American public about issues that we have the right to know about (side note: not like there's going to be any conservatives reading this punchy-ass-I-should-SO-be-studying-right-now blog post, but in case there are...if you try to dispute me on this, I'm gonna recommend that you check out What Happened by Scott McClellan (the former press secretary for Bush) from your local library and then try to talk to me.)

This is my favorite part from Obama's 2004 DNC speech:

"...there is not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America -- there’s the United States of America.

The pundits, the pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an "awesome God" in the Blue States, and we don’t like federal agents poking around in our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and yes, we’ve got some gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America."

It's been such a crazy, long road since then. So much has happened since this speech. (Facebook campaigns! That New Yorker cover with Barack and Michelle dressed as terrorists! SARAH PALIN BEING ABSURDLY IDIOTIC IN HER INTERVIEW WITH KATIE COURIC!) The fact that the 2008 election is over and that Barack Obama is the WINNER is so wonderfully surreal to me right now.

Obviously, Obama winning doesn't mean that like, tomorrow, there's going to be standard health care reform and the banks aren't going to be struggling like scrubs anymore and gay marriage is legalized everywhere. But this is Step One to real change, and for the first time in a very, very, long time, I feel like this country is going to get better.

I could keep going on and on about this and what it means to me, but I have mad homework that I've been neglecting and it would be quite an intelligent decision to get crack-a-lacking on that, but here are some other thoughts about today:
- It's frustrating that Prop 8 passed, but I don't think it's that unreasonable to figure that same-sex marriage will be legalized in more places in the next couple years (New VP Joe Biden is like the HRC's ace in the hole).
- There were only two people ahead of me in line when I went to vote today (Precinct 152 CO what up!!!) which was a pleasant surprise because I was expecting at least an hour long wait and brought my crossword puzzle book with me just in case.
- COLORADO WAS A BLUE STATE this year which is HUGE. I mean, Boulder is always liberal (obvi - this is a town where 10,000 smoke weed on a college quad on April 20 this year) but let's not forget that this state is neighbors with Utah. It's pretty sweet that my vote helped color this state from abrasive red to bright blue.
- I wish Tupac were around today to make a new version of "Changes" -- "although it seems heaven sent / we ain't ready, to see a black President..."
- It is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING that somebody who happens to be of an ethnicity that has been consistently oppressed, exploited, and generally fucked over throughout our country's history, who were at one point NOT EVEN CONSIDERED ACTUAL HUMANS and ENSLAVED, is our new President. CBS showed footage of Howard University after Obama was predicted to win, and even though I can't fully understand how empowered and vindicated and amazing those students must feel right now since I am white (side note: I don't think anybody can truly and completely understand what kinds of daily discrimination a minority/ascribed deviant group faces unless you are a member of that group, although of course you can feel empathy and act as an ally against stereotypes and racism and believe in TOLERANCE and EQUALITY, duh). That is just so huge and oh man, this election will never leave American history books for generations until our sun goes out and humanity is popped like the dinosaurs.




This RULES, you guys! The only thing that could make this situation better is if Bad Bitch Cindy McCain (yes, I still love her, did you see her rocking the fuck out of that gold fit during her husband's concession speech?) decided to divorce John tomorrow and just continue to be rich and do her charities and do her thang. All the mamas who profit dollas! Throw your hands up at me!

Goodness, I am emotional right now. Time for productivity.
YES WE DID! Fuck yeah.

overhelming & impossible

I've been having mad vivid dreams again. Two nights ago, I dreamed that Obama won the election. With over 90% of the votes. Then he rode a victory lap around the country on Wind Whistler, this bitchass-kind-of-pegasus My Little Pony who says things like, "It's easy to be courageous when helping others!" If anyone, pony or otherwise, said that kind of shit to me, I'd vomit bile that tastes a great deal like chicken noode soup, mixed with a kilo of sugarcane and resin and breakfast burritos gone bad.

(Mad thanks to TiGGer.)

In my dream last night, I got stabbed three times in the stomach, in a strikingly similar fashion to how some guy got stabbed on The Sopranos, which is a good show if you like watching: A) consistent violence, B) incomprehensible babble aka strong Jersey accents, and C) heroin addicted real estate agents who get thrown off mob boss dicks when they're fully naked (super mortifying), to keep their mob boss Pimp Hands strong. I think I have to start watching it from the beginning to fully appreciate it. Same with Arrested Development.

Some things:

- Despite contrary reports you may have heard, hating Gwen Stefani is NOT homophobic, because she sucks so much! Rolling around in a pile of candy is not artistic. Working so hard every night and day and now we get the payback! Also, those YouTube comments are worth reading, i.e. "da 3 dots means CRAZY LIFE.. ICE CUBE ACTUAL GOT THE ACTUAL REAL TATOO SHE GOT A FAKE LIL PUT ON SPARKLY 3 DOTS.. FUCK DAT IF U REAL GET IT TATTED AND U A GANGSTA U GOTTA HAVE IT."

- Do you think it would be an improvement to the NFL if they had a legitimate Giant on each team whose goal is to battle the opposing Giant to the death, while the rest of the team plays the normal game (field goals, touchdowns, second downs et al) around them? I think it would truly mark the beginning of The Golden Age of Football. (Sorry about capitalizing random words, but by "Giants" I wanted to imply that these are twelve foot creatures who lumi (love u mean it for the ignorant) destruction and blood milkshakes - please don't confuse this definition of deviance with the New York Giants -, and "The Golden Age of Football" just looks like it could be a term paper title.)

- Guilty pleasures of late: soda flavored Lip Smackers, cheap Urban Outfitters sunglasses, library books.

I had a goldfish named Sunny who lived for over seven years. He was the Young Jeezy/Soul Survivor of the fishbowl species. This guy needs to be let free.

"Guess what my resting pulse rate is?"
"Two."

closer to heaven above and closer to you

Some Bad Bitches I Know:


Charlotte the barn spider from Charlotte's Web. E.B. White is maybe the most sensitive and beautiful childrens author in the past century (my heart broke for the very first time promptly after reading The Trumpet of the Swan), and Charlotte is effing bad ass. She's the kind of wonderful person who probably got a 36 on her ACT but doesn't brag about it and doesn't judge you for smoking cigarettes and she probably keeps her blog private. Classy. She is so fucking wise dude:
"Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you."
"You have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die... By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heavens knows anyone's life can stand a little of that."

(Also the 1973 movie version ranks highest on my zOMG SCENES IN MOVIES THAT CONSISTENTLY MAKE ME CRY, closely followed by Shadow and Peter reuniting in Homeward Bound and when Jenny dies in Forrest Gump."It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.")



Cindy McCain is rich as FUCK! She is a straight descendant of Mr. Monopoly rich. She owns 68% of Hensley & Co, which is one of the largest beer distributors in America. She made sure she got a pre-nup that keeps her assets under her name, and she has a completely separate bank account and files separate income tax forms from her husband. GET EM GURL. She was also addicted to Percocet and Vicodin for three years - this bitch was taking up to twenty painkillers a day and stealing from her charity to get these drugs. She's an amateur pilot like my grandpa was. Basically, even though if her husband wins the election I will spend the week after crying alone in my dark room with a handle of Smirnoff and a pitcher of ice cubes, I think she's not to be messed with. When she was interviewed about her drug problem, Cindy said some important and intelligent things about addiction, an almost always stigmatized topic that affects more people than you might think: "If what I say can help just one person to face the problem, it's worthwhile. They should know it's OK to be scared. It's OK to talk about it...I have done good things, and the best thing I've ever done is go into recovery and stay drug-free." I mean, even if she just said that to play the victim to the sympathetic media, I'm glad she said it.



(If only that headband were from American Apparel.)
Trina. Now you know she's the Queen of Miami and belongs on any list anywhere that is centered on Bad Bitches. I also enjoy how abrasive she is in her songs. "WHAT WE HAD WAS LIKE JAY AND BEYONCE! OR WAS IT ALL A DREAM!"

Back in the day, it was such common practice to describe ordinary things as "orgasmic," which is a Stretch Armstrong, to say the least. Is that hot chocolate actually giving you an orgasm? Really? It's that good?



And this is the room one afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

if only it was fanny may, the chicago based confectionery

The first website I see whenever I go online is the New York Times. I'm a big fan of newspapers - when my parents were married, I only remember them being consistently happy together is when they shared coffee and the Sunday paper, trading different sections as necessary. I think it's pretty important to stay informed in this day and age. I mean, if John McCain becomes president, Roe v. Wade could potentially become OVERTURNED, and it probably wouldn't be that hard. Like the difficulty of appointing a conservative justice to the Supreme Court to is analogous to making a twelfth birthday collage card for your friend's sleepover party. (I know I'm fucked up because A number 1: I just spelled "twelfth" as "tweltvh", and A number 2: I'm attempting to make a serious statement about politics.)
I feel like Sarah Palin is both part moose and also has no fucking clue what she's doing. She is possibly getting her all of her political information from the teacher edition of my seventh grade social studies book.

There are a lot of benefits to having the New York Times as your homepage. A lot of the headlining stories have hilarious accompanying pictures: Like this one:


(This was around the Iowa caucuses, and candidates were hitting up the state fairs.)

Also this one is pretty good too:


(This was in India. Something is definitely up with these monkeys but I can't remember what was happening exactly.)

The New York Times uses html codes to its advantage when there's BREAKING NEWS that's IMPORTANT. The headlining font is like 2.5 times larger than usual, and there's there's opinion pieces under it and usually there's a relatively inspiring picture and caption to top it all off. Tonight, the magnified headline says: "President Issues Warning to Americans" - 'Entire Economy Is in Trouble', He Says.

“Our entire economy is in danger,” he said.

This is the first time in Bush's presidency that he's delivered a speech addressed to the nation focusing exclusively on the fucked up economy.

Ok.

Both the Federal National Mortgage Association (aka Fannie Mae) and the Federal Home Mortgage Corporation (aka Freddie Mac) used to provide loans and loan guarantees and had trillions of dollars in the secondary mortgage market (aka they purchased home mortgages from the original lending banks). They were privately owned by stock shareholders, but were government sponsored enterprises, which means they received credit lines from the US Treasury. They would group mortgages into bonds and sell them to interested investors, which made it easier for banks to distribute loans since these two mortgage giants were taking the risks of loan defaulting or missed payments.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were more or less the politically-empowered HBICs in their market, since they got special treatment from the government. They had pretty low funding costs for their borrowers, but let's remember that this is because they had something like $3 trillion of DEBT AND GUARANTEES backed by the US GOVERNMENT. This means that if they were unable to pay their shit, American taxpayers had to take the fall for it. Yeah. Theoretically.

Last year, both the housing and credit industries started to Epic Fail. Housing prices started to drop and foreclosures (meaning people who had mortgages and couldn't pay their debt had to auction their shit and property to pay it off - think when you're playing Monopoly and all of a sudden, your Utility purchases don't seem that wise when you have to flip that property card over so you can pay off that hotel on Park Place that you just landed on) were up almost 80% from 2006.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac NEEDED TO BE RESCUED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, because they didn't have the money to cover any losses by all the loans and guarantees they were giving out. For better or for worse, the United States America bought a mortgage company. If the federal government hadn't come in, Freddie and Fannie would've absolutely murder the US housing market. Both of their stocks dropped hardcore. Smaller banks that were involved with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will probably fail.

How did this subprime mortgage crisis come about?

Because too many people made flawed borrowing mistakes (they thought the housing market would keep going up the way it was back when Clinty was Prez and took out loans they couldn't afford - the ones who didn't give in to foreclosures decided to default on their loans and had higher interest rates).

There was too much speculation in real estate (i.e. homes bought for investment/vacation purposes and not intended as primary residences - in 2005, nearly 85% of Miami condos were purchased for the purpose of re-selling them) and when housing prices started to drop, speculators dipped the fuck out - there was no profit left there.

A lot of banks lent money out to high-risk borrowers through adjustment-rate mortgages, where the homeowner only pays the interest rate on their loan, not the principal. "Ninja loans" - giving out money to individuals with no income, no job, and no assets - were happening more and more.

The US Federal Reserve (the institution that is supposed to stabilize our currency) lowered interest rates on high-priced houses because five years ago, inflation was low and contributed to the housing bubble, which is currently bursting all over the place along with credit and private investment funds. Housing prices were rising and rising and all of a sudden - they're so effing high compared to incomes that the homeowner is now paying a higher mortgage than their house is worth.

What needs to happen to fix this financial crisis (yes, it is a CRISIS. THIS IS THE WORST BLOW TO OUR ECONOMY SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION) is complete deleveraging, - financial institutions have to unwind their way out of this gigantic debt.

Banks and credit unions need to figure out the value of their distressed assets/pay off their debts/rebuild their capital. And this is not going to happen anytime soon, because first of all, hardly anyone is willing to purchase new assets, secondly, trying to sell these assets will lower shares, which makes it harder to increase capital.

Who's gonna pay off this shit?
The government?
Bondholders?
Stockholders?
TAXPAYERS.

Taxpayers might face a $300 billion bill to revive Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. If we don't end up paying the debt of these failing companies, dollar devaluation will continue to go up.

Our economy is absolutely FUCKED right now.

i think i like her like a metaphor, it's hard to get

Lonely in Montana. A/s/l.

I am certain that I have found the most badass roast in the past century. It's from President Harry S. Truman. Here it is:
"I never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you."

DAMN BITCH! I knew there was a reason why the Allies achieved victory in Europe a few weeks after you took office in 1945! And that was on your birthday too! Be my homegirl Tru Tru... please.
This was in a letter to Paul Hume, music critic, on the morning after a severe appraisal by Mr. Hume of a concert by the president's daughter, Margaret. It is dated Dec 16, 1950.

By the way, a "guttersnipe" is slang for "a purveyor of filth" and was originally used to describe dirty ass gutter-dwelling malnourished homeless folk back in the pre-Street Wise days. I know this because I checked out a book from the Norlin Stacks called Wicked Words: A Treasury of Curses, Insults, Put-Downs, and Other Formerly Unprintable Terms from Anglo-Saxon Times to the Present. I KNOW!


(Is that track jacket JUICY COUTURE?! Side note: Miley Cyrus has my boots! I have the boots she is wearing in this picture! I'm practically famous, basically.)

I also checked out The Psychology of Harry Potter. I just finished an essay comparing adolescent self-injury to situations in Harry Potter and applying the different reasons behind self-injury to wizarding characters. And it makes absolute, perfect sense dude! Dobby burns himself with an iron as a form of self-punishment for disobeying Master Malfoy. You-Know-Who must have gone through some xcore agony when splitting his soul into seven pieces and turning them into Horcruxes (I mean, one would be bad enough, but SEVEN?!). Harry undergoes Umbridge's twisted punishment and carves "I must not tell lies" into his HAND with each line he writes for hours on end. AND Harry decides against telling Professor McGonagall about this crazy shit, against the advice of Ron and Hermoine, and GOES BACK FOR MORE AT A LATER DETENTION. That is the interpersonal influence model of self-harm at work. To quote many Exeter theatre kids, way to stick it to The Man, HP.



The mix cd revolution is taking over! I've downloaded so many complete albums in the past couple days. Lily Allen's cd Alright, Still is helping me get through the night, along with my Social Psychology textbook. To quote a woman much wiser than myself, "[school] has turned me into a sexually frustrated hermit crab. Who says "fuck." A lot."

Shattered the lie, but you think I don't already know
Don't try to deny 'cause my fuse is ready to blow
Its your turn to learn, I think that you know where to go
It's a shame, shame, shame for you

an accurate depiction of how i've been feeling lately

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out.

Thanks Half Baked.

i'm not a hipster, i just happen to like death metal bands from inner city milwaukee

Dude dude DUDE I haven't smoked a cigarette all day! And as a result, my fingernails are chewed down to the brittle edges. Typing on my laptop feels more like I'm using my gums and blood than hands.

Bacardi 151 is seriously no joke. There are WARNING: FLAMMABLE signs all over that bottle. I was carrying some around in a water bottle with pineapple orange juice on Thursday night and some of it spilled on my desk and now it smells like I was trying to blow up the produce aisle in my room.

I am coming home on September 26. (The day after The Office season five premieres and also the day of birth of my Ex-Boyfriend Extraordinare). I wonder how many cigs I will abstain from between now and then. What a lousy way of measuring time.

come with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love

Today is Veronica Claire Steege's birthday. She is one of my best friends in the whole world, but we didn't become close until the very end of senior year of high school. It's not very often when you meet someone who just understands you and can read your mentality and emotional state by something simple, like the way you open a car door or how long you spend doing your makeup.

I feel very blessed to have such good friends at home. I have the Sisterhood (which consists of Veronica and Cat and Kori) and all my guy friends and older people who I spent a lot of my time with in high school.

I dunno. I don't really like having this much personal information displayed on a silly public blog, but I love love love my friends.



This is what friendship for me is about (not capitalized and yeah, it's supposed to be a long ass centipede run-on sentence):
skyy and absolut from jewel, camel number 9s and red bull, coinstar, pita inn, long tv marathons including keeping up with "brooke knows best" and "i love money", thai sookdee in the rain, blowing smoke out your room with those eyeball cds, mix cds with mgmt, kimya dawson, will smith, old orchard trips and spending hours in bookstores, applying for jobs all over town, walking around downtown and running into so many people from the olden days, the yellow house on the corner of asbury and dempster, steak n shake (sometimes ending up in your purse), dogs that act more like spoiled little sisters than pets, dreamgirls (boys, we'll make you happy), all you can eat maki, sleepover the movie, racoons on my back porch and parmesan cheese scattered all over my kitchen, "curious" by britney spears, the milwaukee trip with benny hop and "no smoking" sign in alec's hotel room, mario kart at all times, taking shots in closets and sneaky rooms, burger king, grand theft auto, hating proactiv commercials, dying hair, lisa frank stickers from walgreens, becoming very familiar with side streets of skokie off of crawford, grape juice and "paradise city" from the bp gas station, TIMBER RIDGE and its hilarious names, drunk at parades (independence day and gay pride), banding together against a force of evil (it's like Harry Potter vs. Voldemort), purim parties at northwestern, phone calls to a hospital, all kinds of playgrounds and forest preserves, niles north juniors and that messy brownie battered house on noyes, chicken shack on the porch, unstoppable flip cup team getting down to flo-rida's smash "low", going across enemy lines, sneaking into movies, american apparel headbands worn across the forehead, parking garage tickets, great harvest free bread slices, the beach, freestyles from idiom, hating puzzles in tani's basement, "rick-a-lick, i can love you!", during winter break when they didn't card at new york deli and liquor and we got dmitiri grain alcohol and handles of malibu and 40s without any questioning, weeds on demand, sex and the city, investigation, chugging in parking lots, hilarious names for boys, running in the snow, almost cartwheels in the grass. This is love, this is friendship that will be around forever.

i know this is only a sitcom...but ugh, nobody can be that stupid

I dreamed that Barack Obama was my best friend and partied with us in Boulder. He was wearing a suit and an American flag lapel pin in the Smelly Deli, waiting for a pack of cigs.

Did you guys know that Cascada (techno diva wunderkind who already has the hits "Everytime We Touch" and "Miracle" and "Bad Boy" under her belt) dips mad mollie and rolls FACE whenever she performs live?

I won, so you lose.

still waters run deep

Torrents (both Bit and U) are eating away at the inside my computer. I imagine the damage is similar to that bitch shaving her legs in Cabin Fever. I guess it's what you have to sacrifice when you need the completed low rent Girlicious cd and a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries for free.

-"Who wants to do lines of birth control?"
-"Give it to Mama."

there's a place where lovers go to cry their troubles away

And they call it Lonesome Town
Where the broken hearts stay
You can buy a dream or two
To last you all through the years
And the only price you'll pay
Is a heart full of tears

I remember when I worked at the movie theatre the summer before freshman year. I was exposed to a lot of truly foul things, especially consessions. Did you know that nacho cheese comes in a plastic bag that has to be squished around like some unnaturally orange (seriously, this orange probably does not occur in nature) leftover liposuction? And that there are 10 grams of TRANS FATS per TEASPOON of that buttery topping you use to douse your stale ass popcorn? Truth. And I'll never forget the time I had a nervous breakdown because I got the most moronic customers this side of the Mississippi back to back. One lady armed with her spawn asked to see the cup sizes, so I put them on the counter in order - small, medium, large. AND SHE ASKED ME WHICH ONE IS THE MEDIUM. Maybe the one that's in the middle! And then the lady after her inquired if I could put a LEMON SLICE in her Diet Coke. This is Kerasotes Cinemas, cunt muffin! Not the fucking country club! Probably the strangest aspect of working there was that there was so much inner-employee drama of hook-ups and backstabbing. Incestuous fucking pool of popcorn cleanser and GBS kids. Weird shit.

My brain is slowly but surely becoming mashed potatoes. I think it should be at its prime around Thanksgiving. Deep breaths. That's wassup.

No need to cry about it
I cannot live without it
Every time I wind up back at your door

ride into the sunset, look back with no remorse

Oooh wee


I've definitely and throughly neglected this piece of medium in place of Twitter - yeah, I will admit it's way easier to just answer the FB status quality question "what are you doing" instead of coming up with anything original to say. Oh HAI I also dropped Physux. And “Drunk at the airport.” Can you think of a more fun phrase? Other than “drunk at the zoo"?

dirty frenchman

(Wine with olive juice.)

Sweet dreams y'all!

oh it's such a perfect day

I'm glad I spent it with you.

hear that beat when i make love

What do sushi chefs, hypnosis, and unpacked cigs have in common? Answer below!@
The Sex in the City episode where Carrie is all, "YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME" is on. She is sorry and knows that you can't forget what happened, but she hopes you can forgive her.

< not really that cool 3

I made a list of all the boys I've hooked up with. This is something I do not recommend doing, along with reading Facebook wall-to-walls of ex-boyfriends, or actually, reading wall-to-walls at all. There's a fucked up commercial for Mentos gum that involves a woman consuming water out of a dude's mouth in lieu of the office water cooler. And their tagline is "it's mouthwatering." If you ask me, they should've just stuck with The Freshmaker!!.
I feel so antisocial and fat and disgusting.

good song

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

fluffy fingers

Best Yo Momma Joke EVER: Yo Momma's so stupid that when the weatherman said it was going to be chilly out, she went outside with a pot and a wooden spoon.

Here's a little survey that's been "wine"ding along the blogspot "grapevine" for a while.

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Write a novel.
2. Joyride in a golf cart.
3. Travel to every continent (including Antarctica, I see you shining!).
4. Go to grad school.
5. Work in an adolescent psychiatric ward as an on-call therapist.
6. Climb a rainforest waterfall.
7. Have my team win at Medieval Times
8. Participate in a competitive eating contest.

8 Things I Say Often
1. Dot com
2. Yeah man
3. You can't just do/say that
4. Retarded
5. Awesome
6. Legit
7. No way
8. Like

8 Books I Have Read Lately
1. Beautiful Children by Charles Bock
2. Sex Signs by Judith Bennett
3. Ellingston Boulevard by Adam Langer
4. She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
5. At Home in The World by Joyce Maynard
6. No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
7. I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb
8. Summer Sisters by Judy Blume

8 Movies I Have Seen Lately
1. 10,000 B.C.
2. The Ruins
3. Grandma's Boy
4. A Clockwork Orange
5. Dreamgirls
6. Alice in Wonderland
7. Hellraiser
8. Waking Life

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
1. "Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Stellar" by Incubus
3. "He Got Game" by Public Enemy
4. "Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect" by the Decemberists
5. "Karma Police" by Radiohead
6. "Steeples" (live version) by Dispatch
7. "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed
8. "Desolation Row" by Bob Dylan

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends
1. They like to have fun
2. I know I have their support no matter what I do
3. They are all loving
4. They keep me in check, especially after I've had a few
5. They all have a great sense of humor
6. They understand that I don't always make a lot of sense
7. They make me feel lucky to even know them
8. They are lovely!

prompt your bitch ass

Use the word technical(ogic)

Absurdity inside a computer laced Lincoln Street – historical 1912 plate adorned on the front door. “Finder, you're such a character from a movie.” He is trying to technically fix up old forgotten software that was once used to power DisneyQuest machines. And as obnoxious as his mind operates, he did say something that lent itself as a consolation prize for my blown into pieces heart.

The sea mends...

Water, I've always thought, has enough silly beauty and powerful destruction to both save me and kill me. How many times have I wanted to wander out to sea and get swept away, ending up a beached whale thousands of miles ago...how can I do that without a successful concussion? So far, it's proven difficult.

You're somewhere full or nowhere

This reminds me of a Bright Eyes song. And no, it's not “I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE DRAPED IN FLOWERS” or “THE KITCHEN IS COLD BUT THE COFFEE IS WARM” (or something like that). The last time I liked those bastards was at boarding school. “You went to boarding school?” Yeah, I did. Past tense before it even ended.

In debt or in doubt, we pull the world's muscle

Mmhmm. The world can stretch and fold upon itself for all I care. Take me off this stupid planet and crash land me into Mars. I can't write anymore – even my handwriting has gone from a sorority girl's print and cursive into a raving incarcerated lunatic's scrawl. The E! True Hollywood Story: Andrea Yates was on television in the hospital. What a kind of fucked up spa vacation that day was. For the first time in a long time I was fully relaxed and aware and things had clarity...

A border flew open

What can she say anymore? It is time to leave and run back to Chicago. It is time to finally admit that she can't handle any sort of productivity any longer and sends her case back to court for them to review and have a warrant out for her arrest

the sun is rising

Here is some poetry that presents itself as a giraffe's tongue: black and slimy.


Denial
It is a river in Egypt.

It's dark
Blacklight dark? Will ultraviolet evidence end up on a patchy hotel bedspread crawling with golden invisible bugs? Or are you accustomed to my shadowy figure enough to make out my sign language, where I can outline the veiny constellations for you?

It's ending
High school sweetheart ending? Or the last piece of blotted pepperoni pie that's been frosting in the fridge overnight ending? This can't be the last time I'll ever be able to kiss you. No wayyyy.

It's dead.
How dead? Fingernails and hair still grow when the heart stops beating. Force fed chickens, maybe the least intelligent birds in the entire animal kingdom, still run around without their heads. You know that Miracle Max can help, if true love is directly involved. Cyrotechnology has some up and coming advancements.

reactivated facebook!

Because...I know my life is just as fulfilling without it.

i'ma fight a man tonight

I need you like a heart needs a beat... too bad I have a pacemaker, bitch!

OMGQ. "Breakin Dishes" by Rihanna might be the most bad ass song ever. With obvious apologies to Celine Dion and "It's All Coming Back to Me." Princess RiRi for Senator.

Here's what's occupying my life as per usual:
muscle spasms that I can't control. Parkinson's fuck!
Tourette's Guy (who I am being for Halloween - copyright, do not steal)
Crystal Light
Waking Life
The words "festering cunt cave." Call someone that and see how they react.
Tanning aka sunburning on Farrand Field
the last post under this one's ass
pillows
peace
4/20 holler

hmmm

"and just to lay with you
there's nothing that i wouldn't do
save lay my rifle down."

you must be mad or you wouldn't have come here

We watched Alice in Wonderland last night. First off, Alice's eyebrows are incredibly chola.


Elbows up, side to side

And the White Rabbit gets not only his house effed up by a DODO (hello, extinct, way to add insult to injury) but the Mad Hatter's insane ass basically makes a cake out of his clock. I felt bad for him. The hookah addicted caterpillar has HUMAN HANDS, making it appear as though he's just some random homeless dude with a multiple segmented body wearing a costume. The Queen of Hearts is a man-looking dictator. And everyone knows those are the worst kinds of dictators. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum aren't in the original Alice's Adventures in Wonderland but they remind me of that Ani Difranco song anyway. Also, you know you're stoned when you over analyze this movie and have a running personal narrative about how the Carpenter is a Christ figure and the Walrus is John Lennon, even though that his self-proclaimed "I Am The Walrus" was made like a hundred years after Lewis Carroll tweaked Alice out.

I cashed my biweekly $150 yesterday, instead of putting it in my checking account like I usually do, which was really silly. I've bought so many arts and crafts. I guess I could up my income by selling these friendship bracelets or something.

just my 'magination running away with me

Note that this entire entry (ent-ir-ey) will be in "I am" statements. How empowering!

I am on spring break. I am freshly out of the psych hospital. I am at Aaron's house right now. I am tempted to write some crazy shit at the intersection of Disturbing and Non Sequitur on his typewriter - NOT a sexual innuendo. I am currently obsessed with this song called "Bottoms Up" by Ms. KeKe P rockin the M I C. I am missing Boulder. I am having a crisis. I am still feeling this major depression even though I'm on medication. I am unaware who reads this. I am off Facebook for the time being because it was ruining my life. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I am lucky for that. I am going to get it together. I am broken hearted. I am hoping this won't last forever.

a word on sex from fifteen year old hailey

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Sex. I didn't do a Google image search on this one, because this is a family establishment, folks. Clark wrote a blog on this and I'm returning the favor. Where do I start. Oh yeah. Whether or not I'm a virgin is nobody's business but mine, and that's all I have to say about that. I believe sexuality should be sacred and respected, which is sometimes hard to do because sex is everywhere -- Abercrombie & Fitch bags, beer commercials, even that frickin suntan lotion where the baby's getting molested by the dog. This also came up while I was searching for "water babies". I think casual sex is disgusting. I'm not talking about prostitution, but getting it on with someone you just met an hour before at a party is taking it too far. This is going to sound really stupid, but I believe it's called "making love" for a reason. Sex should stem out of love, not the other way around. Lust. Clark said although it's a sin, it's hard for him because he's a guy. But who's to say that guys have a harder time containing lust than girls? I guess you could describe me as a sexual person; I'm pretty flirtatious and I usually make the first move. But when I first meet someone I'm attracted to, I'm not fantasizing about sex, I'm daydreaming about hand-holding and nervous laughs and all the other fluttery feelings I get when a relationship is new. I remember when my mom gave me my first real "sex talk". Not the egg and the sperm and shit, but how scary and damaging it can be if you're not with the right person. "First rule is that we don't lose our virginity to boys who don't call us back." I've made a lot of mistakes with guys before. I've been dumped for not putting out, I've been pressured to do things I wasn't ready for, and there've been a lot of false, hurtful rumors around about me. I know enough asshole guys and seen enough heartbroken, hysterical girls on a Friday night to make me want to pulverize ever straight man on the planet. I've been called a slut more times than I can count, and I do not enjoy being judged. You probably don't either. Some days, just the mere thought of boys grosses me out. You have a penis (the plural is penes, rhymes with beanies). Ew. I mean, you pee standing up! What the hell? Your genitalia looks like a long john donut. And where do you put it when you ride a bike? Thinking about one of those things inside me makes me want to puke. But I guess this is my biggest problem about being fifteen: sometimes I feel like I'm ten years old all over again. I'm not trying to give advice or put my values on anyone. I feel like a total dumbass typing this out because I told you, I'm really not good at this whole "being serious" thing. And...I'm done.

mhmm

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
I'll wake you up in the mornin' so early
Just to tell you I got the wandering blues
I got the wanderin' blues
And I'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon
And I'll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

everybody knows it sucks to grow up

HOMESICKNESS: You're doing it wrong.

Things I Learned From the Historically Accurate Visual Masterpiece 10,000 B.C.:
1. Everyone in caveman days has T-Pain hair, including that bitch from When A Stranger Calls.
2. Cavemen are often named after characters in Diddy Kong Racing, specifically the living stopwatch who runs the time trials, Tic Tic.
3. There were ostrich raptors in cavemen days.
4. Saber tooth tigers (who I originally thought were contenders for the pimpest animals to ever exist, followed by the Gila monster or something) have the cognitive ability to tell the difference between the cavemen who save them from a watery death and the cavemen who just want them for their "Spear Teeth."
5. In cavemen days, you could get from the frozen Shackleton tundra to a weird jungle place to the dryer than "dried out apricot paper towel" deserts in mere days of walking! (Was that desert place Egypt? I thought they were gonna show some pharaohs and shit but it was just a mass slave uprising against these chola-like shamen.)
6. In cavemen days, wonky eyes were a sign of good fortune.
7. Wise women have seizures in which they can see the future and also can breathe life into bitches via mind control? (I'm still trying to figure this part out.)
8. Cavemen love caused the couples on both my left and right to make out consistently throughout the entire movie which reiterated the fact that I had a rainbow hat on and was stuffing popcorn in my mouth like a mf Build-a-Bear in stuffing transit and was like...extremely alone. Yay!
9. Killing a mammoth is akin to buying a drink for a cavewoman when it's not Ladies Night.
10. "There is more than one way for a prophecy to be fulfilled."

It was a hilarious movie. I actually couldn't stop talking in the theatre, which was super embarrassing cus people were actually riveted by this cavemen piece of shit. I mean, it had a narrator who was not Morgan Freeman and that was their first mistake.

You know you're Fat Ashley when: you Wikipedia various restaurants, including Old Country Buffet. That is based on a true story. Also...am I currently willing to waste enough time to redesign the CSS codes on this thing right now? Nah. Let me tell you something about Colorado weather: it is absolutely bipolar and bananas. It is mf gd Mommie Dearest. Today is beautiful and warm and I'm about to make my way down to Farrand Field(/Beach) for a little bit but later this week there's supposed to be snow again.

-"We're anti-label here! We're going against the corporate world!"
-"EXCEPT FOR OUR CLOTHES."

and it ain't a microphone

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

- Nun (I really enjoyed The Sound of Music when I was in kindergarten and I thought all nuns had to do was sing and spin (spinging) on Austrian hilltops and outsmart Nazis, which is so badass. When I told my mom that my life was going to be led in a convent, she told me that seriously and specifically that nuns "aren't allowed to get married...they're married to God" which was kind of her way of saying "THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX AND WE'RE NOT CATHOLIC" but that did not matter to me. I saw a bunch of nuns in the mall on Saturday and I'm sorry, they still look pretty badass.)
- Special Effects Director (This might come off as some psychotic Michael Myers shit, but I sometimes liked to make fake blood in my kitchen sink using ketchup/catsup. And not cus I had like a blood fetish or wanted to chop people up; I just thought it was absolutely amazing that the stuff splattering all over the screen in The Relic wasn't real.)
- Mariah Carey (This still stands. Dreamlover come and rescue me!)


I keep making lists that say "Getting My Life Together" at the top in colorful Sharpie letters. Wishful thinking.

you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

The Internet Movie Database forums are hilarious. A thread exists in which users are arguing about using vodka as a substitute for water for smoking out of a bong. According to CocoLoco326, "It *might* clean the bong if anything. It's not something I would suggest. It might have just been for shock value."

justmattson's site has been shut down by its owner...

I'm kind of annoyed that I did that dude. Freaking Xanga documented my entire life from roughly 2002 (definitely pre middle school graduation "What we don't need no key! Amacka smell like pee! Class of 2003!") to the beginning of junior year, when I realized that if any authority read it I would be promptly placed in some sort of mumps quarantine and I'd never get a respectable job. But, as 15-year-old Victoria, my favorite Maury guest ever once said, "it's cool, cus I got it like that."

This playlist is called ">>>>>>>"
"Jerusalem" - Dan Bern
"Interstate Love Song" - Stone Temple Pilots
"Over the Hills and Far Away" - Led Zeppelin
"Save Yourself" - Aesop Rock
"Warning Sign" - Coldplay
"Werewolf" - CocoRosie
"Say It Ain't So" - Weezer
"Sexy Can I" - Ray J

second best

I've been teabagging my Nalgene with Tummy Mint or Tension Tamer, depending on how badly my tummy needs to feel like a garden/tension escapes from its cage and runs around nude like a racoon on acid. That's almost as funny as the Time headline "The Clintons Double-Team Obama."

∆∆∆ I am in love with those three triangles.