this guns for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

My poor cat Kitty a.k.a. Big Kitty BK a.k.a. Queen Latifah is in mourning. She does not have the means nor the ability to conceive kittens, or else I'm sure she would've gotten some action from our Siamese main man, Ricky a.k.a. "Rickki" according to the stupid vet certificates (his last name is not Lake and he does in fact know who sired his child) a.k.a Mr. Marberry a.ka. Rick-a-lick a.k.a. My Mom Hates You Because You Took A Shit On Her Bed One Time. He is Siamese...and he'll please!

Anyway, back to Kitty's little problem. During the night, she takes clean shirts out of the laundry basket and carries it softly in her mouth, mrowing pitifully. Mroaw rowwwww. Fucking sad. It reminds me of a coyote's howl, except the coyote is the one affixed to the wall at Taco Bell and he's depressed because he wants a Gordita or a Chalupita or a Funkalicia and can't get any of those.

Taco Bell does not want you to get mono. This is a smart business move cus mono makes your pee look/smell like Fanta which is almost as gross as sucking cottage cheese out of someone's asshole with a crazy straw. And the cottage cheese is from Laura Ingalls Wilder's cottage in the Big Woods.

I'm averaging six posts a day on the Friday the 13th Online Forum. That's pretty nerdy, but not as bad as spending hours making videos of my Counter-Strike highlights to the tune of Kevin Federline's smash hit "Lose Control." Oh, I smell a hit with that one! Wait...do hits smell like used tuna? You know who you are. I'm trying this new diet of whenever I get a hunger pain, I drink Diet Coke or water. If I'm super hungry, I'll have an Arnold Palmer. That's also a lie.

Oregon is the most beautiful place you've ever seen. I swear, I'll take you there and we can swim in the cold mountain water and climb the pine trees, even the burnt ones from the last fire. There are guitar chords and Indian men with sticks with bells and little fishies that are just trying to make it down that stream. You and I are exactly the same, except you are convex and I am concave, so let us spoon in our different similarities. I will fill myself with your stories of my life and we will be happy.