dirty frenchman

(Wine with olive juice.)

Sweet dreams y'all!

oh it's such a perfect day

I'm glad I spent it with you.

hear that beat when i make love

What do sushi chefs, hypnosis, and unpacked cigs have in common? Answer below!@
The Sex in the City episode where Carrie is all, "YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME" is on. She is sorry and knows that you can't forget what happened, but she hopes you can forgive her.

< not really that cool 3

I made a list of all the boys I've hooked up with. This is something I do not recommend doing, along with reading Facebook wall-to-walls of ex-boyfriends, or actually, reading wall-to-walls at all. There's a fucked up commercial for Mentos gum that involves a woman consuming water out of a dude's mouth in lieu of the office water cooler. And their tagline is "it's mouthwatering." If you ask me, they should've just stuck with The Freshmaker!!.
I feel so antisocial and fat and disgusting.

good song

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

fluffy fingers

Best Yo Momma Joke EVER: Yo Momma's so stupid that when the weatherman said it was going to be chilly out, she went outside with a pot and a wooden spoon.

Here's a little survey that's been "wine"ding along the blogspot "grapevine" for a while.

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Write a novel.
2. Joyride in a golf cart.
3. Travel to every continent (including Antarctica, I see you shining!).
4. Go to grad school.
5. Work in an adolescent psychiatric ward as an on-call therapist.
6. Climb a rainforest waterfall.
7. Have my team win at Medieval Times
8. Participate in a competitive eating contest.

8 Things I Say Often
1. Dot com
2. Yeah man
3. You can't just do/say that
4. Retarded
5. Awesome
6. Legit
7. No way
8. Like

8 Books I Have Read Lately
1. Beautiful Children by Charles Bock
2. Sex Signs by Judith Bennett
3. Ellingston Boulevard by Adam Langer
4. She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
5. At Home in The World by Joyce Maynard
6. No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
7. I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb
8. Summer Sisters by Judy Blume

8 Movies I Have Seen Lately
1. 10,000 B.C.
2. The Ruins
3. Grandma's Boy
4. A Clockwork Orange
5. Dreamgirls
6. Alice in Wonderland
7. Hellraiser
8. Waking Life

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
1. "Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Stellar" by Incubus
3. "He Got Game" by Public Enemy
4. "Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect" by the Decemberists
5. "Karma Police" by Radiohead
6. "Steeples" (live version) by Dispatch
7. "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed
8. "Desolation Row" by Bob Dylan

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends
1. They like to have fun
2. I know I have their support no matter what I do
3. They are all loving
4. They keep me in check, especially after I've had a few
5. They all have a great sense of humor
6. They understand that I don't always make a lot of sense
7. They make me feel lucky to even know them
8. They are lovely!

prompt your bitch ass

Use the word technical(ogic)

Absurdity inside a computer laced Lincoln Street – historical 1912 plate adorned on the front door. “Finder, you're such a character from a movie.” He is trying to technically fix up old forgotten software that was once used to power DisneyQuest machines. And as obnoxious as his mind operates, he did say something that lent itself as a consolation prize for my blown into pieces heart.

The sea mends...

Water, I've always thought, has enough silly beauty and powerful destruction to both save me and kill me. How many times have I wanted to wander out to sea and get swept away, ending up a beached whale thousands of miles ago...how can I do that without a successful concussion? So far, it's proven difficult.

You're somewhere full or nowhere

This reminds me of a Bright Eyes song. And no, it's not “I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE DRAPED IN FLOWERS” or “THE KITCHEN IS COLD BUT THE COFFEE IS WARM” (or something like that). The last time I liked those bastards was at boarding school. “You went to boarding school?” Yeah, I did. Past tense before it even ended.

In debt or in doubt, we pull the world's muscle

Mmhmm. The world can stretch and fold upon itself for all I care. Take me off this stupid planet and crash land me into Mars. I can't write anymore – even my handwriting has gone from a sorority girl's print and cursive into a raving incarcerated lunatic's scrawl. The E! True Hollywood Story: Andrea Yates was on television in the hospital. What a kind of fucked up spa vacation that day was. For the first time in a long time I was fully relaxed and aware and things had clarity...

A border flew open

What can she say anymore? It is time to leave and run back to Chicago. It is time to finally admit that she can't handle any sort of productivity any longer and sends her case back to court for them to review and have a warrant out for her arrest

the sun is rising

Here is some poetry that presents itself as a giraffe's tongue: black and slimy.


Denial
It is a river in Egypt.

It's dark
Blacklight dark? Will ultraviolet evidence end up on a patchy hotel bedspread crawling with golden invisible bugs? Or are you accustomed to my shadowy figure enough to make out my sign language, where I can outline the veiny constellations for you?

It's ending
High school sweetheart ending? Or the last piece of blotted pepperoni pie that's been frosting in the fridge overnight ending? This can't be the last time I'll ever be able to kiss you. No wayyyy.

It's dead.
How dead? Fingernails and hair still grow when the heart stops beating. Force fed chickens, maybe the least intelligent birds in the entire animal kingdom, still run around without their heads. You know that Miracle Max can help, if true love is directly involved. Cyrotechnology has some up and coming advancements.

reactivated facebook!

Because...I know my life is just as fulfilling without it.

i'ma fight a man tonight

I need you like a heart needs a beat... too bad I have a pacemaker, bitch!

OMGQ. "Breakin Dishes" by Rihanna might be the most bad ass song ever. With obvious apologies to Celine Dion and "It's All Coming Back to Me." Princess RiRi for Senator.

Here's what's occupying my life as per usual:
muscle spasms that I can't control. Parkinson's fuck!
Tourette's Guy (who I am being for Halloween - copyright, do not steal)
Crystal Light
Waking Life
The words "festering cunt cave." Call someone that and see how they react.
Tanning aka sunburning on Farrand Field
the last post under this one's ass
pillows
peace
4/20 holler

hmmm

"and just to lay with you
there's nothing that i wouldn't do
save lay my rifle down."

you must be mad or you wouldn't have come here

We watched Alice in Wonderland last night. First off, Alice's eyebrows are incredibly chola.


Elbows up, side to side

And the White Rabbit gets not only his house effed up by a DODO (hello, extinct, way to add insult to injury) but the Mad Hatter's insane ass basically makes a cake out of his clock. I felt bad for him. The hookah addicted caterpillar has HUMAN HANDS, making it appear as though he's just some random homeless dude with a multiple segmented body wearing a costume. The Queen of Hearts is a man-looking dictator. And everyone knows those are the worst kinds of dictators. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum aren't in the original Alice's Adventures in Wonderland but they remind me of that Ani Difranco song anyway. Also, you know you're stoned when you over analyze this movie and have a running personal narrative about how the Carpenter is a Christ figure and the Walrus is John Lennon, even though that his self-proclaimed "I Am The Walrus" was made like a hundred years after Lewis Carroll tweaked Alice out.

I cashed my biweekly $150 yesterday, instead of putting it in my checking account like I usually do, which was really silly. I've bought so many arts and crafts. I guess I could up my income by selling these friendship bracelets or something.

just my 'magination running away with me

Note that this entire entry (ent-ir-ey) will be in "I am" statements. How empowering!

I am on spring break. I am freshly out of the psych hospital. I am at Aaron's house right now. I am tempted to write some crazy shit at the intersection of Disturbing and Non Sequitur on his typewriter - NOT a sexual innuendo. I am currently obsessed with this song called "Bottoms Up" by Ms. KeKe P rockin the M I C. I am missing Boulder. I am having a crisis. I am still feeling this major depression even though I'm on medication. I am unaware who reads this. I am off Facebook for the time being because it was ruining my life. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I am lucky for that. I am going to get it together. I am broken hearted. I am hoping this won't last forever.

a word on sex from fifteen year old hailey

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Sex. I didn't do a Google image search on this one, because this is a family establishment, folks. Clark wrote a blog on this and I'm returning the favor. Where do I start. Oh yeah. Whether or not I'm a virgin is nobody's business but mine, and that's all I have to say about that. I believe sexuality should be sacred and respected, which is sometimes hard to do because sex is everywhere -- Abercrombie & Fitch bags, beer commercials, even that frickin suntan lotion where the baby's getting molested by the dog. This also came up while I was searching for "water babies". I think casual sex is disgusting. I'm not talking about prostitution, but getting it on with someone you just met an hour before at a party is taking it too far. This is going to sound really stupid, but I believe it's called "making love" for a reason. Sex should stem out of love, not the other way around. Lust. Clark said although it's a sin, it's hard for him because he's a guy. But who's to say that guys have a harder time containing lust than girls? I guess you could describe me as a sexual person; I'm pretty flirtatious and I usually make the first move. But when I first meet someone I'm attracted to, I'm not fantasizing about sex, I'm daydreaming about hand-holding and nervous laughs and all the other fluttery feelings I get when a relationship is new. I remember when my mom gave me my first real "sex talk". Not the egg and the sperm and shit, but how scary and damaging it can be if you're not with the right person. "First rule is that we don't lose our virginity to boys who don't call us back." I've made a lot of mistakes with guys before. I've been dumped for not putting out, I've been pressured to do things I wasn't ready for, and there've been a lot of false, hurtful rumors around about me. I know enough asshole guys and seen enough heartbroken, hysterical girls on a Friday night to make me want to pulverize ever straight man on the planet. I've been called a slut more times than I can count, and I do not enjoy being judged. You probably don't either. Some days, just the mere thought of boys grosses me out. You have a penis (the plural is penes, rhymes with beanies). Ew. I mean, you pee standing up! What the hell? Your genitalia looks like a long john donut. And where do you put it when you ride a bike? Thinking about one of those things inside me makes me want to puke. But I guess this is my biggest problem about being fifteen: sometimes I feel like I'm ten years old all over again. I'm not trying to give advice or put my values on anyone. I feel like a total dumbass typing this out because I told you, I'm really not good at this whole "being serious" thing. And...I'm done.

mhmm

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
I'll wake you up in the mornin' so early
Just to tell you I got the wandering blues
I got the wanderin' blues
And I'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon
And I'll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

everybody knows it sucks to grow up

HOMESICKNESS: You're doing it wrong.

Things I Learned From the Historically Accurate Visual Masterpiece 10,000 B.C.:
1. Everyone in caveman days has T-Pain hair, including that bitch from When A Stranger Calls.
2. Cavemen are often named after characters in Diddy Kong Racing, specifically the living stopwatch who runs the time trials, Tic Tic.
3. There were ostrich raptors in cavemen days.
4. Saber tooth tigers (who I originally thought were contenders for the pimpest animals to ever exist, followed by the Gila monster or something) have the cognitive ability to tell the difference between the cavemen who save them from a watery death and the cavemen who just want them for their "Spear Teeth."
5. In cavemen days, you could get from the frozen Shackleton tundra to a weird jungle place to the dryer than "dried out apricot paper towel" deserts in mere days of walking! (Was that desert place Egypt? I thought they were gonna show some pharaohs and shit but it was just a mass slave uprising against these chola-like shamen.)
6. In cavemen days, wonky eyes were a sign of good fortune.
7. Wise women have seizures in which they can see the future and also can breathe life into bitches via mind control? (I'm still trying to figure this part out.)
8. Cavemen love caused the couples on both my left and right to make out consistently throughout the entire movie which reiterated the fact that I had a rainbow hat on and was stuffing popcorn in my mouth like a mf Build-a-Bear in stuffing transit and was like...extremely alone. Yay!
9. Killing a mammoth is akin to buying a drink for a cavewoman when it's not Ladies Night.
10. "There is more than one way for a prophecy to be fulfilled."

It was a hilarious movie. I actually couldn't stop talking in the theatre, which was super embarrassing cus people were actually riveted by this cavemen piece of shit. I mean, it had a narrator who was not Morgan Freeman and that was their first mistake.

You know you're Fat Ashley when: you Wikipedia various restaurants, including Old Country Buffet. That is based on a true story. Also...am I currently willing to waste enough time to redesign the CSS codes on this thing right now? Nah. Let me tell you something about Colorado weather: it is absolutely bipolar and bananas. It is mf gd Mommie Dearest. Today is beautiful and warm and I'm about to make my way down to Farrand Field(/Beach) for a little bit but later this week there's supposed to be snow again.

-"We're anti-label here! We're going against the corporate world!"
-"EXCEPT FOR OUR CLOTHES."

and it ain't a microphone

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

- Nun (I really enjoyed The Sound of Music when I was in kindergarten and I thought all nuns had to do was sing and spin (spinging) on Austrian hilltops and outsmart Nazis, which is so badass. When I told my mom that my life was going to be led in a convent, she told me that seriously and specifically that nuns "aren't allowed to get married...they're married to God" which was kind of her way of saying "THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX AND WE'RE NOT CATHOLIC" but that did not matter to me. I saw a bunch of nuns in the mall on Saturday and I'm sorry, they still look pretty badass.)
- Special Effects Director (This might come off as some psychotic Michael Myers shit, but I sometimes liked to make fake blood in my kitchen sink using ketchup/catsup. And not cus I had like a blood fetish or wanted to chop people up; I just thought it was absolutely amazing that the stuff splattering all over the screen in The Relic wasn't real.)
- Mariah Carey (This still stands. Dreamlover come and rescue me!)


I keep making lists that say "Getting My Life Together" at the top in colorful Sharpie letters. Wishful thinking.

you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

The Internet Movie Database forums are hilarious. A thread exists in which users are arguing about using vodka as a substitute for water for smoking out of a bong. According to CocoLoco326, "It *might* clean the bong if anything. It's not something I would suggest. It might have just been for shock value."

justmattson's site has been shut down by its owner...

I'm kind of annoyed that I did that dude. Freaking Xanga documented my entire life from roughly 2002 (definitely pre middle school graduation "What we don't need no key! Amacka smell like pee! Class of 2003!") to the beginning of junior year, when I realized that if any authority read it I would be promptly placed in some sort of mumps quarantine and I'd never get a respectable job. But, as 15-year-old Victoria, my favorite Maury guest ever once said, "it's cool, cus I got it like that."

This playlist is called ">>>>>>>"
"Jerusalem" - Dan Bern
"Interstate Love Song" - Stone Temple Pilots
"Over the Hills and Far Away" - Led Zeppelin
"Save Yourself" - Aesop Rock
"Warning Sign" - Coldplay
"Werewolf" - CocoRosie
"Say It Ain't So" - Weezer
"Sexy Can I" - Ray J

second best

I've been teabagging my Nalgene with Tummy Mint or Tension Tamer, depending on how badly my tummy needs to feel like a garden/tension escapes from its cage and runs around nude like a racoon on acid. That's almost as funny as the Time headline "The Clintons Double-Team Obama."

∆∆∆ I am in love with those three triangles.

that he wasn't even an angel, just a liar with wings

Two thousand seven is about to be finis, finit, finito, and I have several exciting entries planned for the new year!, including but not limited to:
- weird gum that looks like it's shitting itself on the package (I'm looking at you, Denteyne ChocoMint!)
- why old people are quietly plotting the downfall of America
- ways to lose weight that may or may not involve Carmen Electra's striptease videos