that he wasn't even an angel, just a liar with wings

Two thousand seven is about to be finis, finit, finito, and I have several exciting entries planned for the new year!, including but not limited to:
- weird gum that looks like it's shitting itself on the package (I'm looking at you, Denteyne ChocoMint!)
- why old people are quietly plotting the downfall of America
- ways to lose weight that may or may not involve Carmen Electra's striptease videos

yeah, well, csi: miami is the worst csi of all!

I'm so mixed up sometimes. Fruit cocktail...what a killer combo. Fruit + cock + tail.
My normal circadian rhythms have fallen by the wayside since I've gotten to college.

Do you think it's a blessing or a curse to have the ability to consistently entertain yourself?

Mon
Dec 17 Sunny
29°/20° 20%
29°F

The day I come home is the only valid "sunny" day in the entire ten day Chicago forecast. 
Never mind...! the fact that if all goes according to plan, my flight will land at 9:35 pm.
Bitch Fat Betch would be a hilarious name for a sorority. For girls who ask if butter is a carb and actually mean it and who relate to Winnie-The-Pooh a little too much.

and it's dark, and there is nobody driving, and something has got to give

Ursula from The Little Mermaid is the scariest fucking drag queen this side of the Mississippi, and I'm including those Memphis drag queens who beat the living daylights out of a McDonald's employee.

You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! AND DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF BODY LANGUAGE, HA!

Little kids are the biggest tweakballs ever. I used to watch The Little Mermaid on the daily, then rewind the VHS and watch it again, as if it would alter the storyline at all. And I related to the character of Flounder (the wimpy yellow fish who has a disturbingly bulbous nose) much more than Ariel. My mommy was Ariel, and my dad was Prince Eric, and I was Flounder. Would The Vag Advantage be a good title for a book about the situations where women have the upper hand over men (i.e. getting out of gym class because of "cramps," benefiting from the acrylic nail industry, etc.)?

Finals Songs:
"I Wish My Baby Was Born" - the Be Good Tanyas
"Chemicals React" - Aly & AJ
"Since You Stole My Heart" - Saturday Looks Good to Me
"The Last Unicorn" - America
"Ballerina" - Leona Neass
"Love Stoned" - Justin Timberlake
"Ocean" - John Butler Trio

"Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit more than gigantic wreaths on the parking garage at O'Hare International Airport."

baby i'm bad news

My life has recently taken an interesting turn. The only comment I can make about this is that I can't wait to see what happens.

honesty

• TEN THINGS THAT I COULD NOT GO ON WITHOUT:

1. my friends - yes, that includes you
2. oral fixation (biting nails and cuticles, chewing gum and popping bubbles)
3. finding beauty in the world in the silliest places
4. number two pencils
5. down comforters
6. beats that i can feel in my bones
7. saving the tootsie roll pop wrappers that have the shooting star indian on them (they're good luck)
8. being a little bit scared of the future but in a good way
9. bookstores
10. the expression "yeah man"

i haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime

Last night, I apologized to this kid down the hallway who I once drunk dialed and told him that I never wanted to speak to him again and that his girlfriend was a banshee bitch. But it was a pretty poorly constructed apology, since I told him that he "lacks social graces" and that his girlfriend should never be let out during the full moon. But it's the thought that counts, right?

like i couldn't do it for you LIKE YOUR MISTRESS COULD!!

When I was a little girl, I lived in a house right next to Dyke Stadium (later renamed "Ryan Field" for the sake of lesbians everywhere), where Northwestern University holds its football games. Since we lived so close, I got hella ca$h by holding lemonade/apple cider stands in my front yard, because I paid the co$t to be the bo$$. But on this day, I was chilling on my front steps, enjoying a cherry popsicle (I would rub it all over my mouth to make lipstick), pigtails and clad in Limited Too. And then a couple of drunk college students came wandering from their local tailgating party over to my house. And this guy whipped out his dick and pissed on the tree in my front yard, completely oblivious to my cherry popsicled self. 

It's weird, I just remembered this a couple weeks ago. PTSD?

I wonder if there's a reason why this happened to me. I must have pissed someone off a lot in a past life or something. I can't stop thinking about how retarded I must have been to let it happen. Maybe I did deserve it.

it's alll a mystery

I thought I was smart
I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue, in always being cool
So it came time to fight
I thought "I'll just step aside"
And that the time will prove you wrong
And that you would be a fool
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlight begins
It's all a mystery

yo, the next time you eat eggs, picture them covered in yogurt, and the next time you eat yogurt, picture it containing eggs

My computer's being wack-a-mole right now and a lot of letters are only showing up white on white. I am in Biology lecture and I usually don't bring my computer along because I dunno, there's something to be said for hand-written notes, but I have to write a three page paper on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by 5 pm. I also am a nosy motherfucker and always look at what people are doing on their computers. Once, there was this sketchy skinny white boy with bifocals and a G-Unit oversized shirt who A number one) had a VENTI STRAWBERRY PINK AS A MY LITTLE PONY'S HAIR Frappachino drink in one hand and was doing Text Twist with the other. I see that kid all the time, man. I think he was the one who spend over $600 on phone sex hotlines from his dorm room. I'm really afraid I might crash soon when I still have to go to Environmental Justice class and find references and edit this stupid paper. My mouth is as dry as a fucking dried ass apricot on a desert island that's been rolling around in paper towels. I don't give no fuck about recessive alleles. This weekend was probably the worst of my entire life, because, let's face it, when it rains, it pours. Too bad Fat Joe didn't incorporate that old saying into his smash hit "Make It Rain."

Look at a picture, they're always fun to see:

for real

It is a little frightening that I lost the three basically most important material objects in my life right now.

1. My cell phone. I have terrible separation anxiety surrounding my cell phone. It is vital to my survival. If I lose it like in my tiny ass room I freAK out and have someone call it everytime. And now it's out there in the holistic great wide Earth.
2. My id card. This gets me meals and allows me access to my dorm and more or less qualifies me as a student.
3. My brand new winter coat (I am assuming that my cell phone and id card are in one of the million pockets it has). I live in like the mountains. This is some Into The Wild, Discovery Channel bullshit show on the untouched by society parts of the world, mf wildnerness. Like my house is in the mountains. Out there, it's cold as Santa Claus's tit if he had frostbite and had to skin reindeer for coats of warmth, including Rudolf's (typo but I like it) red nose as a button. Also I literally just received this beautiful coat in the mail on Thursday. (Thanks Dad.)

The reason why this is so frightening is because I never, ever, ever lose this shit. I have this ritual with myself before I leave any party slightly/moderately/extremely intoxicated where I CHECK to make sure I didn't leave anything behind. I will make sure I have my cell phone and my id card and wearing a coat is pretty standard for Colorado nights in November.

The fact that I didn't check for these and also
1. That I woke up still drunk
2. That I do not remember going home 
3. That I do not remember where I went after that last frat

is scary to me.

you can't just do that!

Has anyone ever had sex in space?

i'm lonely, but i ain't that lonely yet

I go down to the river
Filled with regret
I go down and I wonder
If there was any reason left
I left just before my lungs could get wet
I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

i have to be a quarter, not a nickel or dime

• Fuck Facebook. Everytime I go on this stupid blue and white dumbass site I feel my soul getting sucked into some black magic vortex composed of digital photo albums and status updates.
• I heard a Beyonce song tonight called "Suga Mama" in which she screams, "TAKE MY CREDIT CARD!" at the end.
• I cannot afford toothpaste. Speaking of bums, read this story. :(.
• Are emoticons (i.e. :), :\, etc) a turn off? I like this one: =).
• I link songs to specific memories more than any living being should. They get their own certain dedication and location. Sometimes I can remember my exact mindset the first time I truly listened to it.
• The TI-83 machine gun scandal is a pretty good one.
• Remember when we used *asterisks* to talk to each other online?
• *Nozzztalgia*
• Strange thought: there are certain relationships that you will have that nobody will ever truly understand what was going on there (what am I thinking of here? Fall 2005 with a chapped lipped kitchen boy. Yeah what?)
• Time to study for Linguistics!

i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake (...yeah those are fall out boy lyrics, no i am not a 13-year-old asian boy)

"When the lights are off and we are cleaning stuff, IT MEANS, WE ARE CLOSED!!!!! DONT ASK US TO OPEN JUST FOR YOU!!!! YOU WILL LIVE WITHOUT YOUR PRECIOUS NASTY ASS NACHOS AND BAD ASS CHEESE!!!! THERE ARE GAS STATIONS A BLOCK AWAY!!!!"

I'm taking this class called Environmental Justice, where we read all these philosophy conclusions on why animals deserve rights and why zoos are inhumane and so on. It's a pretty long class in mid-afternoon, and for some reason I always get this craz-ving for Popeye's or maybe KFC during it. Gimme those chickens bred to grow so large that they can’t even walk, and break their wings and legs. Feed those hot motherfuckers through tubes!! JK like Rowling. Your meal from Popeye's should actually only be consummated about as often as the X-Games or something. It will give you a mf hangover after you shit out the entire contents of your stomach and perhaps the tip of your colon.


Songs That I Like That the Plebeians Do Not Appreciate!:
"Intervention" - Arcade Fire
"Marching Bands of Manhattan" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Something to Believe In" (aka the Gossip Girl theme song) - Aqualung
"Postcards From Italy" - Beirut
"Wolf Like Me" - TV On The Radio
All of the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack


Who in the blue hell thought that kiwis and strawberries should always be paired together? This Gatorade actually tastes like legit Jell-O. Not to mention the fact that it's been in the fridge for probably 25 years. This Gatorade could go to war and die for its country.

turn out the light and what are you left with

Tomorrow, I am driving sixteen hours (from Boulder to San Diego) with Bob Dole and Root Beer Kevin to get some In and Out burgers and hit up Legoland and the Pacific Ocean. There is something so Wes Anderson/Rocket Power/Volkswagen commercial/heavenly about this whole idea. Also, we're driving through Utah going door to door with The Origin of Species and to promote polyandry to the more open-minded folk. And Las Vegas. I think we might just pee in a fountain or go to a strip club for like ten minutes there since none of us have a fake.

 

you must not know bout me

WWW.TF.(com)

this is my message to you hoo hoo
(yoo-hoo? what? i saw a litttle girl get her tongue stuck in a motherfucking yoo-hoo bottle on rescue 911 once. also, are there copyright infringement laws involving yoo-hoo - and i am using a hyphen here because i'm feeling weirdly british and like to inject absurd grammatical rules like putting "U"s in random words like "color" - and youtube?)

bermuda
bahama
come on pretty mama
- this is the greatest song ever. recorded.


maaaaaaaaaaaaaan i felt like rollerskating at the PLAYDIUM tonight. the first boy/girl party on planet earth took place there, like with cavemen and shit. everything about the playdium is wonderful. all they have to drink there is straight up High Fructose Corn Syrup. they don't even front with false pretenses about "Tropical Punch" or "Lemon-Aid." the playdium is fun. COUPLE SKATE!!! make sure you wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before that bad boy.



you know what else is fun? tracing your vericose veins with a highlighter. this one is called the Tigress. and you can spot the Circle of Fertility in between these two spots.


on another note, i am officially starving. i think if i ever become in a position of political power, i will mandate that all restaurants should be open 24 hours a day. it would create jobs. it makes complete sense. do you ever wake up at 4 in the morning and just LUST after some motherfucking greek food? dear santa claus, this is what i want for christmas:

gyros sandwich
lemon fries
white sauce (not a term for semen b-t-dubbbs)
water
baklava

also, santa, did i mention that this year christmas falls on 4:57 AM (mountain time), september 9, 2007? chop chop.

let's pwn some n00bs




what you've done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it won't be long before
you'll be pullin yourself away

Also

Did you guys know that in freshman year of high school I prank called this boy I had a crush on and just played "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey really loud? Completely bad ass.

an incomplete list of "things easier said than done"

• Following through when an enraged authority figure tells you to "WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!"
• Climbing a palm tree
• Having "a happy period," as Always (trademark!) instructs. Periods will only make you happy if you've been irresponsible that month, and even then it's only for like a second.
• Passing the Slurpee machine in 7-11 without sticking your fingers in the melted mess like a fiendish fruit fly*
• Emotional detachment away from someone you've been in love with for almost a year
• Convincing yourself that this was the right decision

*Applies to grade-A Crackheads only.

zero 7 is also good

Try talking to you
While you do, while you do
I swap places with you
Just to see things through
Just sing me the tune
And you'll see
I'll keep it here for you
I'll wait for your cue

You wrote down all the words
Black and white
On a wall
Just keepin' it so
Yeah you know how it goes
No plans for a change, nothing strange
No not today, no way
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

ok so

thom yorke is pretty weird, and i'm not denying it. i'm sure he goes to the local hospital to look at sick people and stuff, and he makes lyrics like "yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon." but here's the thing: listening to radiohead is a fucking spiritual experience.

for a minute there, i lost myself.