child-->adulthood

I am three years old in this picture. I could probably get at least 10 bucks for the wild tortoise. Turtles can sell anywhere from $2 to $1000 on the Internet, even if they're Chinese. Same with feral children. It was the day that a giraffe licked me, black tongue and all. You know what they say about giraffes, right? Once you go black tongue, you do not get coal miner's lung!




This is me at the age of seventeen. As you can see, not much has changed. I still want to "Party All the Time" like Eddie Murphy and Rick James suggested back in the day. The best part of that classic comes during the timeslot of 1:04-1:07. Eddie Murphy laments, "I buy you champagne and roses, put diamonds on your finger" and Rick James says in this sultry banshee voice, "diamonds on your fingaaaaaaa." Oh man. It lands a spot on this list:

Things That are Hilarious That Words Cannot Properly Explain:

1. Rapidly rubbing the velvet ceiling of a car.
2. Those lines in the Trina song - "I can't even look at your face without wanting to slap you! / Damn I thank God I ain't get that tattoo" - that prompted my dad to turn off the radio and say, "jeez!"
3. Diamonds on your fingaaaaaa.
4. The fact that Hamlet sounds like a freaking Walker Brother entree.





AND now I'm going to be eighteen in less than an hour!

"If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out! Out of service, out of Africa, I wouldn't hang about!" - Zazu's gay ass

this guns for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

My poor cat Kitty a.k.a. Big Kitty BK a.k.a. Queen Latifah is in mourning. She does not have the means nor the ability to conceive kittens, or else I'm sure she would've gotten some action from our Siamese main man, Ricky a.k.a. "Rickki" according to the stupid vet certificates (his last name is not Lake and he does in fact know who sired his child) a.k.a Mr. Marberry a.ka. Rick-a-lick a.k.a. My Mom Hates You Because You Took A Shit On Her Bed One Time. He is Siamese...and he'll please!

Anyway, back to Kitty's little problem. During the night, she takes clean shirts out of the laundry basket and carries it softly in her mouth, mrowing pitifully. Mroaw rowwwww. Fucking sad. It reminds me of a coyote's howl, except the coyote is the one affixed to the wall at Taco Bell and he's depressed because he wants a Gordita or a Chalupita or a Funkalicia and can't get any of those.

Taco Bell does not want you to get mono. This is a smart business move cus mono makes your pee look/smell like Fanta which is almost as gross as sucking cottage cheese out of someone's asshole with a crazy straw. And the cottage cheese is from Laura Ingalls Wilder's cottage in the Big Woods.

I'm averaging six posts a day on the Friday the 13th Online Forum. That's pretty nerdy, but not as bad as spending hours making videos of my Counter-Strike highlights to the tune of Kevin Federline's smash hit "Lose Control." Oh, I smell a hit with that one! Wait...do hits smell like used tuna? You know who you are. I'm trying this new diet of whenever I get a hunger pain, I drink Diet Coke or water. If I'm super hungry, I'll have an Arnold Palmer. That's also a lie.

Oregon is the most beautiful place you've ever seen. I swear, I'll take you there and we can swim in the cold mountain water and climb the pine trees, even the burnt ones from the last fire. There are guitar chords and Indian men with sticks with bells and little fishies that are just trying to make it down that stream. You and I are exactly the same, except you are convex and I am concave, so let us spoon in our different similarities. I will fill myself with your stories of my life and we will be happy.

i still go to taco bell, drive thru, raw as hell - fergie

Should this be in bullet points just for Kix (Kid Tested, Mother Approved)? Yes.

• My dental hygienist is the shit. First she told me that I should always eat large quantities of Swedish Fish at a time rather than taking smaller portions because then the sugar doesn't build itself up buttercup. Then she recommended me to an oral surgeon for my upcoming wisdom teeth removal and said, "All of these guys are good, but this one is spicy. If you're gonna have your teeth yanked out, then you should at least have someone easy on the eyes." It should also be noted that the oral surgeon in question is named "Sohledgebreg" and she circled the "oh" part.


• I hope the White Hen on Central never ever closes. It sells the Arizona Ice Tea product "Arnold Palmer."

I drink so much of this stuff that if they cut open my veins tonight, they'd find it swimming around in my blood. You know they approached him and were like, we wanna base a half iced tea/half lemonade beverage off your image, and Arnie Arn said, "Make it approximately the length and width of my dick." And then Arizona Iced Tea Inc executives were like, shit, we better make this stuff low calorie so it won't kill people because of how large the serving sizes are.

Q: What's a regional math team's preferred drink?
A: ARML Palmer.

Recently downloaded songs:

• "Breathe Me" - Sia
• "Making Memories of Us" - Keith Urban aka my mom's ringtone
• "Faust" - Gorillaz
• "Ghetto Gospel" - 2pac & Elton John
• "Glamorous" - Fergie (I mean, she is the Dutchess)
• "This Year" - Mountain Goats
• "100,000 Fireflies" - the Magnetic Fields
• "Nobody's Fool" - Avril Lavigne!

  I'm not the milk and Cheerios in your spoon / It's not as simple, here we go,
  not so soon! / I might have fallen for that when I was fourteen and a little
  more green /But it's amazing what a couple of years can mean

• Favorite Internet face (not emoticon, that's a silly word): :-*
• Favorite Internet face that looks like he's being raped: ;0

passion, it is true, is not quite the fitting word for what i wish to express, said hegel

My name is Hailey and I'm here to tell you about American Girl Dolls.


Some dress up as Plains Indians for Halloween and shoot anybody that comes near them.

Some are on that Hostel shit and no one is paying her. In fact, she is the one paying THEM!

Some are named Josephina and have blind people glasses when they go to the beach.

Some sit in dirty poses.



Some are used as evidence on Law & Order: SVU (dun dun.)


I have lately been talking back to the characters on Degrassi. Darcy just reminded Spinner about their vow to remain virgins until marriage. Spinner says, "Virgins. Yeah, totally." I say, "Haha! No!" and I didn't even realize it. It's like that time when I was in Panino's alone with my chicken and The Parkers or something was on the tv and Monique (my fucking hero) said something along the lines of "that ain't funny worth a damn!" and I laughed extremely hard.