This is a title

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

2010-12-05T22:34:00.001-07:00

2010-10-30T20:40:00.000-06:00

boyfriend

2010-07-14T23:07:00.004-06:00

Pictures =)

I love him.

cigarettes

2010-04-30T23:04:00.003-06:00

Pretty girls don't light their own.

I have been a chronic cigarette smoker since the summer of '08. (I am currently typing with a dying Camel Light -- oh wait, since the FDA changed shit up, they've been labeled "Camel Blues" because they don't want to promote a name like "Lights" being misleading; the fact is NO cigarettes are better for you than any others.) I used to only smoke when I drank, but the summer of '08 led me to drinking almost all the time. Veronica and I would cruise downtown Evanston, applying for summer jobs and then indulge in vodka lemonades or coke and rums, smoking Camel No. 9s along the way. The summer of '08 will always be remembered as one of the best summers of my life. But nicotine is quite addictive, and when I came back to Boulder, I had to have a pack on hand. Cigarettes are also significantly less expensive in Colorado than Chicago because of lower taxe rates, which only helped my justification for buying them.

I hate when non-smokers characterize cigarette smoking as a"habit" rather than an addiction, which is truly what it is. The unfortunate truth is, if I go a veritable amount of hours without a cig, I become Clifford the Big Red Dog + rabies + that crazy bitch astronaut driving to Florida in diapers + Jason Voorhees + Anna Wintour. Which equates to a cranky, unstoppable, angry human being. And once I smoke a cigarette, my body relaxes, my head clears, and I feel like I can function. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is. I plan on quitting upon graduation, and I know it will suck, but this is something I don't have the will or commitment to quitting as a 21-year-old stressed out undergraduate. And of course I know it's not good for me (a product that can/will lead to lung cancer is not condoned by me) but my affecting mental state is a little more important, especially as an individual with bipolar disorder. Sorry.

What pisses me off are comments like these, from an ancient Jezebel post that I recently came across:

"I'm not an asthmatic nor do I have a sensitivity to perfumes and smoke, but I detest smoking. I think that if people want to smoke they can do it in private spaces. Why should non-smokers have to walk through clouds of smoke on the sidewalks (especially in the summer!) or get jabbed with lit cigarettes by drunk people in bars or even on the street (happens so often!)? Sometimes I want to bring perfume with me and squirt it at smokers to show how obnoxious it is. Smokers choose to smoke, I didn't, so go do it on your own time and in your own space."
"I love the fifteen-feet from buildings and bus-stop law in Washington. I get to tell people smoking near me at the bus stop to step away finally!"
"I don't mind smoking. I mind that someone else's habit makes my hair stink and my lungs hurt. Call me selfish..." (ok haughty mcsarcasmfail.)

To be fair, there's plenty of pro-smoking and balanced comments as well. But even when homegirl makes an articulate manifesto that I can't help but just say "word." to, such as this:

"I think that a lot of the non-smokers on this thread who are threatening to " punch these people in the back of the head(with the crowd imploring the OP to "shoot a video and post it") "smack those people," or the ultra-mature approach of " carrying a water gun and shooting water" at people/cigarettes are just as distasteful and do not elevate the conversation. For the last time, for every inconsiderate asshole that intentionally blows smoke into the face of an asthmatic person, there are many of us who smoke only in our homes, or in designated places, and go above and beyond to ensure that non smokers are not affected by our decision to smoke.

This whole thread actually reminds me of the "bad parenting" debates that occur on this site. A link is posted to an article that deals with a "generation of irresponsible parents," and some commentators condemn every single parent, assuming that they are all inconsiderate assholes who are unfit to "breed." This of course devolves into a shitstorm where parents try to remind commentators that, hey, for every entitled, selfish parent, there are many, many, many responsible, considerate, and generally decent parents out there while nasty, hateful comments about beating up children and calls for "retroactive abortions" are hurled back. A similar thing is happening here with the smokers versus the non-smokers, with the non smokers gleefully fantasizing about beating up smokers that happen to be in front of them on their commute to work, or becoming giddy over the idea of a vigilante squad of non-smokers armed with Super Soakers attacking smokers who are smoking on sidewalks, which, by the way, IS WHERE WE ARE TOLD TO GO SMOKE.

Unbelievable."

there's a response like this:

"...It's an offensive habit, full stop. I don't care what you do to your body, hell, an awful lot of people smoke like chimneys and are healthy as hell when they get older. It's not a moral thing. Smoking Sucks for people who are Not Smoking in All Ways. Some smokers forget that when they start suggesting they are being unfairly persecuted.

Calling it Deviant and off the 'correct path' romanticizes it and sidesteps the issue of smoking's grossness, and screw that; James Dean most smokers are not. You are not being held down on your knees and being shot in the back of the head; people bitch about it because it sucks, despite some silly and unfair exaggerations. DAMN I love the bans. They are wonderful, wonderful things that makes going out much more enjoyable, comfortable, and less stinky.

Oh, and sidewalking smoking sucks too, btw. Nothing like just walking down the street, outside, and getting hit with a stinky wall of smoke. It just is a fact of life, and hell, sometimes I stand outside and talk to the smokers at work because it's a good time to talk and chill. But I do wish they weren't smoking. Don't say it, but am definitely thinking it.

*moves upwind* " (*expressing yourself through emotions gives 4chan users a valid reason to hit on you, you narrow-minded trollop* lUmI*).

The fact is, cigarette smoking in America has evolved from a socioeconomic transcending occurrence (from J.J . Astor to Walt Disney to farm boys and prostitutes -- everybody, from all classes, used to smoke ) to a dirty, selfish act that is rarely pitied. And yes, this is due to the fact that nobody could deny its health threatening risks anymore, and the Surgeon General let it be known that he did not approve, which is okay. I'm not suggesting that it's unfair or illogical that this switch happened. But cigarette smoking IS an act that has become deviant. And I don't believe that calling it that "romanticizes it and sidesteps the issue of smoking's grossness." It's hardly accepted by society, but I need to smoke somewhere.

Now it is time to get down to business and study for my Russian Revolution History final, which is tomorrow night.

God Bless Flash Cards.

My next goal is to get my MacBook fixed and quit biting my fingernails.

friendship is the best ship ever, except for best friendship, which is a little better

2010-03-19T14:00:00.003-06:00

Last night I ate delicious eggplant at Lindsey's and then drank up Days at the Beach (Malibu, Amaretto, shirley temps syrup and OJ) at Bacaro. Now I just finished watching Silence of the Lambs (good evening, Clarice) and am chilling on Brett's couch. My natural habitat. Apparently a caribou's muzzle is completely furred. Going to tropical island on Sunday. Life is the dankness.

jason voorhees <3 xoxo

2009-12-09T23:03:00.001-07:00

This adorable image tickles me pink!

posted here because it's over 140 characters

2009-10-14T20:25:00.003-06:00

The new Pretty Lights album is ahhhmaahhZING, and I wish I could live inside a Daft Punk song. Or I wish I was the kid of dude who owns all the casinos on the Las Vegas strip. Imagine how sweet your birthday parties would be.

these are the top ten most played songs on itunes as of june 29, 2009

2009-06-29T19:06:00.004-06:00

Just for the record:

1. "World Goes Round" - Slightly Stoopid

2. A one second clip of Tiffany "New York" Pollard stating, "I'm...the captain."

3. "Tropicana" - Ratatat

4. "Your New Twin Sized Bed" - Death Cab for Cutie (yeah, they're a bunch of shamelessly sensitive pussies but whatever man, I was a depressed adolescent girl at several points in my life thus far.)

5. "Lollipop (Nasty Ways Remix)" - Lil Wayne (one of the most incredible build-ups to a dropped beat perhaps in this century.)

6. "I Luv Your Girl (feat. Young Jeezy)" - The-Dream (Kelly told y'all, don't bring 'em to the club. DUH. Did we not learn anything from "I'ma Flirt"? I mean, come on.)

7. "Creep Fast (feat. T-Pain)" - Twista

8. "Private Eye" - Alkaline Trio (throwback that contains a shout out to channel 11, also known as the Chicago station for PBS, and I dunno, that's pretty cool.)

9. "Party and Bullshit (Ratatat Remix)" - Notorious B.I.G. (let it be noted that when I saw Notorious in theatres with five of my friends, I was the only one who stayed awake throughout the whole thing, which I guess could translate for mad $treet cred.)

10. "Say It to Me Now" - Once soundtrack (this Irish dude is pretty pissed off, but it's still a good song.)

"i just told him to s my d and then peace"

2009-06-24T22:45:00.003-06:00

Sorry about these cloyingly romantic pictures, but you know how I feel about park benches and leaves seen through a different depth perception.

Some crazy shit includes: we don't really know why we dream. There is a theory known as the activation-synthesis hypothesis which means that activity spontaenously activates the pons, which in turn synthesizes a story from this pattern of activation, and the normal sensory information can't deal with this stimulation -- hallucinations come from this. The amygdala (the part of your brain responsible for emotional activity), and this gives dreams their emotional content [e.g. sex dreams that for some reason involve Rick Ross (the biggest boss that we've seen thus far)]. I have a Biological Psychology test tomorrow that includes vision, states of consciousness, and memory. But I gotta tell you, Role Models and The Wackness are some of the best movies that I've seen recently.

obsolete technology is my favorite kind of technology

2009-06-19T15:36:00.002-06:00

The best compliment I've ever received was from my little sister Isabel, who left a note on my stairs following a fight with my parents: "I like you how you ARE!"

listen bitch, i'm about to fuck your head up with some truth

2009-06-09T02:34:00.002-06:00

"Daydream Believer" by the Monkees automatically takes me back to That morning.

I said baby, you can have whatever you like. Yes, that includes everything on the Dollar Menu.

sumskis

2009-05-27T18:58:00.002-06:00

1. I really recommend watching the music video for Jamie Foxx's "Blame It" aka the quintessential
DBHH (dumb but harmless ho)'s theme son. Ron Howard is in it. Richie Cunningham from "Happy Days" is featured in a music video to a song where the lyrical content is like this: Blame it on the goose! Got you feelin' loose! I can understand why you'd want The Fonz to jump over a shark on water skis or something but really, Ron Howard? What are you doing?
2. My prediction for the NBA finals is Nuggets vs. Magic. Meaning nobody will give an expired coupon about it other than the states of Colorado and Florida. (Lebron James is also a dime piece, let it be noted.)
3. "America's Funniest Home Videos" is just a primitive version of YouTube. Sorry to be so frank.

jamaican me crazy

2009-04-29T00:25:00.002-06:00

I liked this picture so much that I made it my Twitter background.

It is funny, how you learn it all from the beginning like you've never felt that way before. I've been pwning these boys at Super Smash Brothers N64 for $0 down and 0.0% APR aka YOU GOT PWNED FOR FREE, BITCH! I'm running out of originality but at least there's some beer left.

"this must be the place" - talking heads

2009-04-23T11:07:00.003-06:00

...out of all those kinds of people
you got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
share the same space for a minute or two
and you'll love me 'til my heart stops
love me 'til I'm dead
eyes that light up, eyes look through you
cover up the blank spots, hit me on the head

come here baby girl, you're now fuckin with the best in the world

2009-04-10T19:01:00.002-06:00

I'm at gate B44 in the Denver International Airport. Marie Osmond is on Larry King. Marie: on Dieting, Depression, and Divorce. And alliteration, apparently. What she should be addressing is why the huge picture of her and Donnie on the side of the Flamingo makes her look like she needs serious dental surgery. I would be irritated at that if it were me. People are starting to board the plane but I'm way in the back and my assigned group won't get called for a while. I'm glad DIA gives you free wi-fi; also they have smoking lounges which is quite a rarity these days. My first night in Vegas I texted my mom, "YOU CAN SMOKE INSIDE HERE!" because I was pleased as punch, specifically spiked punch. Well, time to get organized so I can get on this aircraft and be home in just a few hours.

i have to laugh to keep from crying

2009-04-01T23:03:00.002-06:00

I got inside my Night Ride mini-van tonight and the heat was blasting and it smelled like McDonalds french fry grease and Lupe Fiasco was rapping about misfits and outcasts who listen to the Misfits and Outkast and I felt the kind of stomach pounding homesickness that only hits hard in waves. Then I got out of the car at 19th and Cascade and smoked a cigarette and it went away.

who even knows

2009-03-18T00:26:00.000-06:00

I am SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED.
I really need help.
Please.

news.

2009-03-05T11:25:00.002-07:00

I am staying in BOULDER for the SUMMER! (I'll be back in Evanston in July and I'm not coming for spring break cus I'm going to Lake Mead and Las Vegas.)

they call me quiet girl, but i'm a riot

2009-02-26T19:40:00.002-07:00

I'm reading about ethnorepublic and regional tensions in Russia. FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!!! Seriously though, there might be 140 ethnic groups up in Russia but to quote the Vehix guy who gets newspaper ink all over his face, "[OH CHICAGO,] there's got to be a better way!!!" to get all their individual rights protected. And this shit is so sad.

Here's a soon-to-be patented idea by yours truly (COPYRIGHT!!! DO NOT STEAL!): pharmaceuticals in the form of cotton candy. They can make fluoride taste like cotton candy, so I'm sure the technology for this exists. Did you know that technology is growing at an exponential rate, so that we have really no clue what's gonna be around in twenty years? I guess that's not that impressive of a claim, since nobody can see the future (prophecies involving the Chosen One not included).

i can hit a target through a telescope

2009-02-05T00:24:00.003-07:00

The trick and treat and twist and turn of it all right now is to always have something to look forward to. I used to think I must've been a great white shark in a past life and now have to deal with all the bad karma from eating people/my young, but this 180 change is kind of freaking me out. Everything is falling into place. The January bullshit flotsam is officially gone, and this month might be my best ever. I don't wanna speak too sooYESITWILLBE...n.

Still, let's give Faith Hill a little bit of credit for the song "Cry" (sample hilarious YouTube comments:

southerner95 (1 week ago)
i LOVEEE THiS SONG..AND iTS NOT MEANN...EVERY WOMAN HAS FELT THAT WAY AT SOME POiNT.

shallycat (1 week ago)
fuck exboyfriends

reera43097 (2 days ago)
all arnt but guyss
can be and its kinda
annoying...but they
just dont wanna look
week infront of uss so
i guess thats kinda sweet=/)

And...snowball.

my soul is covered in flamin hots

2009-01-27T12:28:00.002-07:00

I feel like I'm on the brink and I am moderately tempted to run away to Central America and change my name and eat nachos all day and marry an optimistic deep sea diver. I am so ready for this godawful month to be over. My new years resolution to cut back on cigarette smoking is all but forgotten and my boyfriend punted my heart into a vat of hot vegetable oil - similar to the kind used to make donut holes in sixth grade cooking class. W2G, ex-boyfriend.
Thingz That are BULLSHIT:
- Ticketmaster
- people who are happy and nonchalant about it
- my current lack of productivity
- fuck it I am too frustrated to continue

give thanks and praises

2008-12-08T23:02:00.004-07:00

Swans are monogamous creatures. Nice work. I bet in the bird world, harpies (In Greek mythology, smelly, razor-sharp clawed birds, who defiled the food of King Phineus of Salmydessus) resent these fuckers.

It's my goal to kill my upcoming final exams with every weapon in Clue. I'm going to wrench my Religious Studies paper and then candlestick my Sociology exam and also revolver whip my Psychology test until I am victorious.

this sweater vest only cost me 50 cents. a large fries costs more than this sweater vest.

2008-12-02T19:16:00.006-07:00

Things You Will Like More If You Smoke Weed, As They Irresistibly Appeal To The Five Senses:
- Planet Earth
- all you can eat buffets
- Family Guy (WARNING: this may turn on you and end up freaking you out hardcore, i.e. when Peter is Mary Poppins and murders those British children)
- coloring books and a wide range of Sharpies
- the dialogue on Gossip Girl. I mean, I know it's only a show...but ugh, nobody can be that stupid.
- feeling nostalgic and going through Facebook pictures from high school, because it is a wonderful relief remembering how little of it really mattered.
- any candy that looks like it's kind of made out of radioactive toxic waste or is just straight up sugar (i.e. Fun Dip, Pixie Sticks, Baby Bottle Pops).
- showering and then curling up with hot chocolate and a good book (This book definitely knows what's up.)
- natural history museums
- glowsticks
- learning American Sign Language to Mariah Got That Fiyaah's Touch My Body.
- StumpleUpon. (Obviously. Just don't get too antisocial and fall into the trap of becoming entrenched in looking up Einstein quotes and botanic trivia and things like that.)
- http://moodstream.gettyimages.com/usa/
- FLAMIN' HOT CHEETOS. Flamin' Hot Fritos are also acceptable. And then you'll look like you got into a factory mishap with red fingers.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

-- e.e. cummings

Goddamn. When poetry is bad, it's absolutely terrible (i.e:
"We've been together a long time
in both good times and bad,
Even though some times were uneasy
it's been the best six months I've ever had...")
but when it's good...it can be the most beautiful arrangement of words that it makes me want to cry.

"a lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you" - fortune cookie

2008-11-13T13:41:00.002-07:00

12 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal:

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.
10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

FIN.

A Change Is Gonna Come.

2008-11-05T01:29:00.006-07:00

On Halloween, my girls and I got to see Jedi Mind Tricks at the Fox for free, because that kind of service is feasible when you have titties and are wearing an extremely inauthentic Indian Maiden costume and you know a guy who knows the bouncers. The show was, in the words of so many neon-emblazoned snowboarder Boulder boys, "sick" - these guys are underground hip-hop but are also extremely politically conscious, which are two characteristics that are totally up my alley and down my block, so to speak. They also made jokes like, "you can't get any pussy if you're a fat rapper. Fat R&B singers...they get all the pussy," and then breaking into a quivering harmony sounding a lot like the end of "Love in This Club." They started that repetition game that's fun to partake in when you're at a rap concert, starting with "FUCK GEORGE BUSH!" (Audience: "FUCK GEORGE BUSH!") and "O-BAAAAA-MA!" (Audience: "O-BAAAAA-MA!") and I know it sounds silly in this context, but screaming that was the first time I felt a warm glimmer of confidence and faith that Barack Obama would be our next President.

I clearly remember the day Bush was re-elected in 2004. (Especially those fucking frightening chants of "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!"). I don't think I've ever felt so crushed and disappointed and powerless in my life. It was so frustrating that I couldn't even vote because I was only fifteen at the time, and because apparently the rest of the nation didn't think that CHANGE was as important as I did. I cried for a while in my dorm room, but then I updated my AIM info (oh, AOL Instant Messenger. What a hefty part of my social life you were for a while back then) to: OBAMA '08 in the largest font I could fit in the space provided.

Barack Obama gave the Keynote Address at the 2004 DNC. I'm pretty sure that "the audacity of hope" will someday be as nationally recognizable as "four score and seven years ago" is. It just completely embodied everything that needed to happen to stop America's downfall. And when he was done, I have been obsessed with Obama. (Although I am a Hillary fan as well and I would've happily voted for her if she had won the nomination.) This guy grew up all over the place and is so fucking intelligent and yes, he can inspire a nation to change their collective cynical political mindset to one of HOPE, but he has solutions to the awful mess our country is in. And honestly, I think one of the worst parts of the Bush administration is that they DELIBERATELY lied to and KNOWINGLY misinformed the American public about issues that we have the right to know about (side note: not like there's going to be any conservatives reading this punchy-ass-I-should-SO-be-studying-right-now blog post, but in case there are...if you try to dispute me on this, I'm gonna recommend that you check out What Happened by Scott McClellan (the former press secretary for Bush) from your local library and then try to talk to me.)

This is my favorite part from Obama's 2004 DNC speech:

"...there is not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America -- there’s the United States of America.

The pundits, the pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an "awesome God" in the Blue States, and we don’t like federal agents poking around in our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and yes, we’ve got some gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America."

It's been such a crazy, long road since then. So much has happened since this speech. (Facebook campaigns! That New Yorker cover with Barack and Michelle dressed as terrorists! SARAH PALIN BEING ABSURDLY IDIOTIC IN HER INTERVIEW WITH KATIE COURIC!) The fact that the 2008 election is over and that Barack Obama is the WINNER is so wonderfully surreal to me right now.

Obviously, Obama winning doesn't mean that like, tomorrow, there's going to be standard health care reform and the banks aren't going to be struggling like scrubs anymore and gay marriage is legalized everywhere. But this is Step One to real change, and for the first time in a very, very, long time, I feel like this country is going to get better.

I could keep going on and on about this and what it means to me, but I have mad homework that I've been neglecting and it would be quite an intelligent decision to get crack-a-lacking on that, but here are some other thoughts about today:
- It's frustrating that Prop 8 passed, but I don't think it's that unreasonable to figure that same-sex marriage will be legalized in more places in the next couple years (New VP Joe Biden is like the HRC's ace in the hole).
- There were only two people ahead of me in line when I went to vote today (Precinct 152 CO what up!!!) which was a pleasant surprise because I was expecting at least an hour long wait and brought my crossword puzzle book with me just in case.
- COLORADO WAS A BLUE STATE this year which is HUGE. I mean, Boulder is always liberal (obvi - this is a town where 10,000 smoke weed on a college quad on April 20 this year) but let's not forget that this state is neighbors with Utah. It's pretty sweet that my vote helped color this state from abrasive red to bright blue.
- I wish Tupac were around today to make a new version of "Changes" -- "although it seems heaven sent / we ain't ready, to see a black President..."
- It is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING that somebody who happens to be of an ethnicity that has been consistently oppressed, exploited, and generally fucked over throughout our country's history, who were at one point NOT EVEN CONSIDERED ACTUAL HUMANS and ENSLAVED, is our new President. CBS showed footage of Howard University after Obama was predicted to win, and even though I can't fully understand how empowered and vindicated and amazing those students must feel right now since I am white (side note: I don't think anybody can truly and completely understand what kinds of daily discrimination a minority/ascribed deviant group faces unless you are a member of that group, although of course you can feel empathy and act as an ally against stereotypes and racism and believe in TOLERANCE and EQUALITY, duh). That is just so huge and oh man, this election will never leave American history books for generations until our sun goes out and humanity is popped like the dinosaurs.

This RULES, you guys! The only thing that could make this situation better is if Bad Bitch Cindy McCain (yes, I still love her, did you see her rocking the fuck out of that gold fit during her husband's concession speech?) decided to divorce John tomorrow and just continue to be rich and do her charities and do her thang. All the mamas who profit dollas! Throw your hands up at me!

Goodness, I am emotional right now. Time for productivity.
YES WE DID! Fuck yeah.

overhelming & impossible

2008-10-07T14:43:00.007-06:00

I've been having mad vivid dreams again. Two nights ago, I dreamed that Obama won the election. With over 90% of the votes. Then he rode a victory lap around the country on Wind Whistler, this bitchass-kind-of-pegasus My Little Pony who says things like, "It's easy to be courageous when helping others!" If anyone, pony or otherwise, said that kind of shit to me, I'd vomit bile that tastes a great deal like chicken noode soup, mixed with a kilo of sugarcane and resin and breakfast burritos gone bad.

(Mad thanks to TiGGer.)

In my dream last night, I got stabbed three times in the stomach, in a strikingly similar fashion to how some guy got stabbed on The Sopranos, which is a good show if you like watching: A) consistent violence, B) incomprehensible babble aka strong Jersey accents, and C) heroin addicted real estate agents who get thrown off mob boss dicks when they're fully naked (super mortifying), to keep their mob boss Pimp Hands strong. I think I have to start watching it from the beginning to fully appreciate it. Same with Arrested Development.

Some things:

- Despite contrary reports you may have heard, hating Gwen Stefani is NOT homophobic, because she sucks so much! Rolling around in a pile of candy is not artistic. Working so hard every night and day and now we get the payback! Also, those YouTube comments are worth reading, i.e. "da 3 dots means CRAZY LIFE.. ICE CUBE ACTUAL GOT THE ACTUAL REAL TATOO SHE GOT A FAKE LIL PUT ON SPARKLY 3 DOTS.. FUCK DAT IF U REAL GET IT TATTED AND U A GANGSTA U GOTTA HAVE IT."

- Do you think it would be an improvement to the NFL if they had a legitimate Giant on each team whose goal is to battle the opposing Giant to the death, while the rest of the team plays the normal game (field goals, touchdowns, second downs et al) around them? I think it would truly mark the beginning of The Golden Age of Football. (Sorry about capitalizing random words, but by "Giants" I wanted to imply that these are twelve foot creatures who lumi (love u mean it for the ignorant) destruction and blood milkshakes - please don't confuse this definition of deviance with the New York Giants -, and "The Golden Age of Football" just looks like it could be a term paper title.)

- Guilty pleasures of late: soda flavored Lip Smackers, cheap Urban Outfitters sunglasses, library books.

I had a goldfish named Sunny who lived for over seven years. He was the Young Jeezy/Soul Survivor of the fishbowl species. This guy needs to be let free.

"Guess what my resting pulse rate is?"
"Two."

closer to heaven above and closer to you

2008-10-01T02:42:00.007-06:00

Some Bad Bitches I Know:

Charlotte the barn spider from Charlotte's Web. E.B. White is maybe the most sensitive and beautiful childrens author in the past century (my heart broke for the very first time promptly after reading The Trumpet of the Swan), and Charlotte is effing bad ass. She's the kind of wonderful person who probably got a 36 on her ACT but doesn't brag about it and doesn't judge you for smoking cigarettes and she probably keeps her blog private. Classy. She is so fucking wise dude:
"Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you."
"You have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die... By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heavens knows anyone's life can stand a little of that."

(Also the 1973 movie version ranks highest on my zOMG SCENES IN MOVIES THAT CONSISTENTLY MAKE ME CRY, closely followed by Shadow and Peter reuniting in Homeward Bound and when Jenny dies in Forrest Gump."It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.")

Cindy McCain is rich as FUCK! She is a straight descendant of Mr. Monopoly rich. She owns 68% of Hensley & Co, which is one of the largest beer distributors in America. She made sure she got a pre-nup that keeps her assets under her name, and she has a completely separate bank account and files separate income tax forms from her husband. GET EM GURL. She was also addicted to Percocet and Vicodin for three years - this bitch was taking up to twenty painkillers a day and stealing from her charity to get these drugs. She's an amateur pilot like my grandpa was. Basically, even though if her husband wins the election I will spend the week after crying alone in my dark room with a handle of Smirnoff and a pitcher of ice cubes, I think she's not to be messed with. When she was interviewed about her drug problem, Cindy said some important and intelligent things about addiction, an almost always stigmatized topic that affects more people than you might think: "If what I say can help just one person to face the problem, it's worthwhile. They should know it's OK to be scared. It's OK to talk about it...I have done good things, and the best thing I've ever done is go into recovery and stay drug-free." I mean, even if she just said that to play the victim to the sympathetic media, I'm glad she said it.

(If only that headband were from American Apparel.)
Trina. Now you know she's the Queen of Miami and belongs on any list anywhere that is centered on Bad Bitches. I also enjoy how abrasive she is in her songs. "WHAT WE HAD WAS LIKE JAY AND BEYONCE! OR WAS IT ALL A DREAM!"

Back in the day, it was such common practice to describe ordinary things as "orgasmic," which is a Stretch Armstrong, to say the least. Is that hot chocolate actually giving you an orgasm? Really? It's that good?

And this is the room one afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

if only it was fanny may, the chicago based confectionery

2008-09-25T01:52:00.005-06:00

The first website I see whenever I go online is the New York Times. I'm a big fan of newspapers - when my parents were married, I only remember them being consistently happy together is when they shared coffee and the Sunday paper, trading different sections as necessary. I think it's pretty important to stay informed in this day and age. I mean, if John McCain becomes president, Roe v. Wade could potentially become OVERTURNED, and it probably wouldn't be that hard. Like the difficulty of appointing a conservative justice to the Supreme Court to is analogous to making a twelfth birthday collage card for your friend's sleepover party. (I know I'm fucked up because A number 1: I just spelled "twelfth" as "tweltvh", and A number 2: I'm attempting to make a serious statement about politics.)
I feel like Sarah Palin is both part moose and also has no fucking clue what she's doing. She is possibly getting her all of her political information from the teacher edition of my seventh grade social studies book.

There are a lot of benefits to having the New York Times as your homepage. A lot of the headlining stories have hilarious accompanying pictures: Like this one:

(This was around the Iowa caucuses, and candidates were hitting up the state fairs.)

Also this one is pretty good too:

(This was in India. Something is definitely up with these monkeys but I can't remember what was happening exactly.)

The New York Times uses html codes to its advantage when there's BREAKING NEWS that's IMPORTANT. The headlining font is like 2.5 times larger than usual, and there's there's opinion pieces under it and usually there's a relatively inspiring picture and caption to top it all off. Tonight, the magnified headline says: "President Issues Warning to Americans" - 'Entire Economy Is in Trouble', He Says.

“Our entire economy is in danger,” he said.

This is the first time in Bush's presidency that he's delivered a speech addressed to the nation focusing exclusively on the fucked up economy.

Ok.

Both the Federal National Mortgage Association (aka Fannie Mae) and the Federal Home Mortgage Corporation (aka Freddie Mac) used to provide loans and loan guarantees and had trillions of dollars in the secondary mortgage market (aka they purchased home mortgages from the original lending banks). They were privately owned by stock shareholders, but were government sponsored enterprises, which means they received credit lines from the US Treasury. They would group mortgages into bonds and sell them to interested investors, which made it easier for banks to distribute loans since these two mortgage giants were taking the risks of loan defaulting or missed payments.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were more or less the politically-empowered HBICs in their market, since they got special treatment from the government. They had pretty low funding costs for their borrowers, but let's remember that this is because they had something like $3 trillion of DEBT AND GUARANTEES backed by the US GOVERNMENT. This means that if they were unable to pay their shit, American taxpayers had to take the fall for it. Yeah. Theoretically.

Last year, both the housing and credit industries started to Epic Fail. Housing prices started to drop and foreclosures (meaning people who had mortgages and couldn't pay their debt had to auction their shit and property to pay it off - think when you're playing Monopoly and all of a sudden, your Utility purchases don't seem that wise when you have to flip that property card over so you can pay off that hotel on Park Place that you just landed on) were up almost 80% from 2006.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac NEEDED TO BE RESCUED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, because they didn't have the money to cover any losses by all the loans and guarantees they were giving out. For better or for worse, the United States America bought a mortgage company. If the federal government hadn't come in, Freddie and Fannie would've absolutely murder the US housing market. Both of their stocks dropped hardcore. Smaller banks that were involved with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will probably fail.

How did this subprime mortgage crisis come about?

Because too many people made flawed borrowing mistakes (they thought the housing market would keep going up the way it was back when Clinty was Prez and took out loans they couldn't afford - the ones who didn't give in to foreclosures decided to default on their loans and had higher interest rates).

There was too much speculation in real estate (i.e. homes bought for investment/vacation purposes and not intended as primary residences - in 2005, nearly 85% of Miami condos were purchased for the purpose of re-selling them) and when housing prices started to drop, speculators dipped the fuck out - there was no profit left there.

A lot of banks lent money out to high-risk borrowers through adjustment-rate mortgages, where the homeowner only pays the interest rate on their loan, not the principal. "Ninja loans" - giving out money to individuals with no income, no job, and no assets - were happening more and more.

The US Federal Reserve (the institution that is supposed to stabilize our currency) lowered interest rates on high-priced houses because five years ago, inflation was low and contributed to the housing bubble, which is currently bursting all over the place along with credit and private investment funds. Housing prices were rising and rising and all of a sudden - they're so effing high compared to incomes that the homeowner is now paying a higher mortgage than their house is worth.

What needs to happen to fix this financial crisis (yes, it is a CRISIS. THIS IS THE WORST BLOW TO OUR ECONOMY SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION) is complete deleveraging, - financial institutions have to unwind their way out of this gigantic debt.

Banks and credit unions need to figure out the value of their distressed assets/pay off their debts/rebuild their capital. And this is not going to happen anytime soon, because first of all, hardly anyone is willing to purchase new assets, secondly, trying to sell these assets will lower shares, which makes it harder to increase capital.

Who's gonna pay off this shit?
The government?
Bondholders?
Stockholders?
TAXPAYERS.

Taxpayers might face a $300 billion bill to revive Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. If we don't end up paying the debt of these failing companies, dollar devaluation will continue to go up.

Our economy is absolutely FUCKED right now.

i think i like her like a metaphor, it's hard to get

2008-09-23T01:09:00.007-06:00

Lonely in Montana. A/s/l.

I am certain that I have found the most badass roast in the past century. It's from President Harry S. Truman. Here it is:
"I never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you."

DAMN BITCH! I knew there was a reason why the Allies achieved victory in Europe a few weeks after you took office in 1945! And that was on your birthday too! Be my homegirl Tru Tru... please.
This was in a letter to Paul Hume, music critic, on the morning after a severe appraisal by Mr. Hume of a concert by the president's daughter, Margaret. It is dated Dec 16, 1950.

By the way, a "guttersnipe" is slang for "a purveyor of filth" and was originally used to describe dirty ass gutter-dwelling malnourished homeless folk back in the pre-Street Wise days. I know this because I checked out a book from the Norlin Stacks called Wicked Words: A Treasury of Curses, Insults, Put-Downs, and Other Formerly Unprintable Terms from Anglo-Saxon Times to the Present. I KNOW!

(Is that track jacket JUICY COUTURE?! Side note: Miley Cyrus has my boots! I have the boots she is wearing in this picture! I'm practically famous, basically.)

I also checked out The Psychology of Harry Potter. I just finished an essay comparing adolescent self-injury to situations in Harry Potter and applying the different reasons behind self-injury to wizarding characters. And it makes absolute, perfect sense dude! Dobby burns himself with an iron as a form of self-punishment for disobeying Master Malfoy. You-Know-Who must have gone through some xcore agony when splitting his soul into seven pieces and turning them into Horcruxes (I mean, one would be bad enough, but SEVEN?!). Harry undergoes Umbridge's twisted punishment and carves "I must not tell lies" into his HAND with each line he writes for hours on end. AND Harry decides against telling Professor McGonagall about this crazy shit, against the advice of Ron and Hermoine, and GOES BACK FOR MORE AT A LATER DETENTION. That is the interpersonal influence model of self-harm at work. To quote many Exeter theatre kids, way to stick it to The Man, HP.

The mix cd revolution is taking over! I've downloaded so many complete albums in the past couple days. Lily Allen's cd Alright, Still is helping me get through the night, along with my Social Psychology textbook. To quote a woman much wiser than myself, "[school] has turned me into a sexually frustrated hermit crab. Who says "fuck." A lot."

Shattered the lie, but you think I don't already know
Don't try to deny 'cause my fuse is ready to blow
Its your turn to learn, I think that you know where to go
It's a shame, shame, shame for you

an accurate depiction of how i've been feeling lately

2008-09-21T09:23:00.002-06:00

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out.

Thanks Half Baked.

i'm not a hipster, i just happen to like death metal bands from inner city milwaukee

2008-09-21T00:22:00.003-06:00

Dude dude DUDE I haven't smoked a cigarette all day! And as a result, my fingernails are chewed down to the brittle edges. Typing on my laptop feels more like I'm using my gums and blood than hands.

Bacardi 151 is seriously no joke. There are WARNING: FLAMMABLE signs all over that bottle. I was carrying some around in a water bottle with pineapple orange juice on Thursday night and some of it spilled on my desk and now it smells like I was trying to blow up the produce aisle in my room.

I am coming home on September 26. (The day after The Office season five premieres and also the day of birth of my Ex-Boyfriend Extraordinare). I wonder how many cigs I will abstain from between now and then. What a lousy way of measuring time.

come with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love

2008-09-18T01:57:00.004-06:00

Today is Veronica Claire Steege's birthday. She is one of my best friends in the whole world, but we didn't become close until the very end of senior year of high school. It's not very often when you meet someone who just understands you and can read your mentality and emotional state by something simple, like the way you open a car door or how long you spend doing your makeup.

I feel very blessed to have such good friends at home. I have the Sisterhood (which consists of Veronica and Cat and Kori) and all my guy friends and older people who I spent a lot of my time with in high school.

I dunno. I don't really like having this much personal information displayed on a silly public blog, but I love love love my friends.

This is what friendship for me is about (not capitalized and yeah, it's supposed to be a long ass centipede run-on sentence):
skyy and absolut from jewel, camel number 9s and red bull, coinstar, pita inn, long tv marathons including keeping up with "brooke knows best" and "i love money", thai sookdee in the rain, blowing smoke out your room with those eyeball cds, mix cds with mgmt, kimya dawson, will smith, old orchard trips and spending hours in bookstores, applying for jobs all over town, walking around downtown and running into so many people from the olden days, the yellow house on the corner of asbury and dempster, steak n shake (sometimes ending up in your purse), dogs that act more like spoiled little sisters than pets, dreamgirls (boys, we'll make you happy), all you can eat maki, sleepover the movie, racoons on my back porch and parmesan cheese scattered all over my kitchen, "curious" by britney spears, the milwaukee trip with benny hop and "no smoking" sign in alec's hotel room, mario kart at all times, taking shots in closets and sneaky rooms, burger king, grand theft auto, hating proactiv commercials, dying hair, lisa frank stickers from walgreens, becoming very familiar with side streets of skokie off of crawford, grape juice and "paradise city" from the bp gas station, TIMBER RIDGE and its hilarious names, drunk at parades (independence day and gay pride), banding together against a force of evil (it's like Harry Potter vs. Voldemort), purim parties at northwestern, phone calls to a hospital, all kinds of playgrounds and forest preserves, niles north juniors and that messy brownie battered house on noyes, chicken shack on the porch, unstoppable flip cup team getting down to flo-rida's smash "low", going across enemy lines, sneaking into movies, american apparel headbands worn across the forehead, parking garage tickets, great harvest free bread slices, the beach, freestyles from idiom, hating puzzles in tani's basement, "rick-a-lick, i can love you!", during winter break when they didn't card at new york deli and liquor and we got dmitiri grain alcohol and handles of malibu and 40s without any questioning, weeds on demand, sex and the city, investigation, chugging in parking lots, hilarious names for boys, running in the snow, almost cartwheels in the grass. This is love, this is friendship that will be around forever.

i know this is only a sitcom...but ugh, nobody can be that stupid

2008-09-17T10:20:00.003-06:00

I dreamed that Barack Obama was my best friend and partied with us in Boulder. He was wearing a suit and an American flag lapel pin in the Smelly Deli, waiting for a pack of cigs.

Did you guys know that Cascada (techno diva wunderkind who already has the hits "Everytime We Touch" and "Miracle" and "Bad Boy" under her belt) dips mad mollie and rolls FACE whenever she performs live?

I won, so you lose.

still waters run deep

2008-09-14T14:30:00.004-06:00

Torrents (both Bit and U) are eating away at the inside my computer. I imagine the damage is similar to that bitch shaving her legs in Cabin Fever. I guess it's what you have to sacrifice when you need the completed low rent Girlicious cd and a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries for free.

-"Who wants to do lines of birth control?"
-"Give it to Mama."

there's a place where lovers go to cry their troubles away

2008-09-11T12:51:00.003-06:00

And they call it Lonesome Town
Where the broken hearts stay
You can buy a dream or two
To last you all through the years
And the only price you'll pay
Is a heart full of tears

I remember when I worked at the movie theatre the summer before freshman year. I was exposed to a lot of truly foul things, especially consessions. Did you know that nacho cheese comes in a plastic bag that has to be squished around like some unnaturally orange (seriously, this orange probably does not occur in nature) leftover liposuction? And that there are 10 grams of TRANS FATS per TEASPOON of that buttery topping you use to douse your stale ass popcorn? Truth. And I'll never forget the time I had a nervous breakdown because I got the most moronic customers this side of the Mississippi back to back. One lady armed with her spawn asked to see the cup sizes, so I put them on the counter in order - small, medium, large. AND SHE ASKED ME WHICH ONE IS THE MEDIUM. Maybe the one that's in the middle! And then the lady after her inquired if I could put a LEMON SLICE in her Diet Coke. This is Kerasotes Cinemas, cunt muffin! Not the fucking country club! Probably the strangest aspect of working there was that there was so much inner-employee drama of hook-ups and backstabbing. Incestuous fucking pool of popcorn cleanser and GBS kids. Weird shit.

My brain is slowly but surely becoming mashed potatoes. I think it should be at its prime around Thanksgiving. Deep breaths. That's wassup.

No need to cry about it
I cannot live without it
Every time I wind up back at your door

ride into the sunset, look back with no remorse

2008-09-08T10:25:00.002-06:00

Oooh wee

I've definitely and throughly neglected this piece of medium in place of Twitter - yeah, I will admit it's way easier to just answer the FB status quality question "what are you doing" instead of coming up with anything original to say. Oh HAI I also dropped Physux. And “Drunk at the airport.” Can you think of a more fun phrase? Other than “drunk at the zoo"?

dirty frenchman

2008-07-03T04:24:00.000-06:00

(Wine with olive juice.)

Sweet dreams y'all!

oh it's such a perfect day

2008-07-03T04:05:00.000-06:00

I'm glad I spent it with you.

hear that beat when i make love

2008-06-18T21:10:00.003-06:00

What do sushi chefs, hypnosis, and unpacked cigs have in common? Answer below!@
The Sex in the City episode where Carrie is all, "YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME" is on. She is sorry and knows that you can't forget what happened, but she hopes you can forgive her.

< not really that cool 3

2008-05-20T10:30:00.003-06:00

I made a list of all the boys I've hooked up with. This is something I do not recommend doing, along with reading Facebook wall-to-walls of ex-boyfriends, or actually, reading wall-to-walls at all. There's a fucked up commercial for Mentos gum that involves a woman consuming water out of a dude's mouth in lieu of the office water cooler. And their tagline is "it's mouthwatering." If you ask me, they should've just stuck with The Freshmaker!!.
I feel so antisocial and fat and disgusting.

good song

2008-05-14T23:42:00.000-06:00

Everything you know about me now baby you gonna have to change
You gonna have to call it by a brand new name
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me
Please please please don't drag me down

fluffy fingers

2008-05-05T04:32:00.002-06:00

Best Yo Momma Joke EVER: Yo Momma's so stupid that when the weatherman said it was going to be chilly out, she went outside with a pot and a wooden spoon.

Here's a little survey that's been "wine"ding along the blogspot "grapevine" for a while.

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Write a novel.
2. Joyride in a golf cart.
3. Travel to every continent (including Antarctica, I see you shining!).
4. Go to grad school.
5. Work in an adolescent psychiatric ward as an on-call therapist.
6. Climb a rainforest waterfall.
7. Have my team win at Medieval Times
8. Participate in a competitive eating contest.

8 Things I Say Often
1. Dot com
2. Yeah man
3. You can't just do/say that
4. Retarded
5. Awesome
6. Legit
7. No way
8. Like

8 Books I Have Read Lately
1. Beautiful Children by Charles Bock
2. Sex Signs by Judith Bennett
3. Ellingston Boulevard by Adam Langer
4. She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
5. At Home in The World by Joyce Maynard
6. No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
7. I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb
8. Summer Sisters by Judy Blume

8 Movies I Have Seen Lately
1. 10,000 B.C.
2. The Ruins
3. Grandma's Boy
4. A Clockwork Orange
5. Dreamgirls
6. Alice in Wonderland
7. Hellraiser
8. Waking Life

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
1. "Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Stellar" by Incubus
3. "He Got Game" by Public Enemy
4. "Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect" by the Decemberists
5. "Karma Police" by Radiohead
6. "Steeples" (live version) by Dispatch
7. "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed
8. "Desolation Row" by Bob Dylan

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends
1. They like to have fun
2. I know I have their support no matter what I do
3. They are all loving
4. They keep me in check, especially after I've had a few
5. They all have a great sense of humor
6. They understand that I don't always make a lot of sense
7. They make me feel lucky to even know them
8. They are lovely!

prompt your bitch ass

2008-05-04T21:31:00.000-06:00

Use the word technical(ogic)

Absurdity inside a computer laced Lincoln Street – historical 1912 plate adorned on the front door. “Finder, you're such a character from a movie.” He is trying to technically fix up old forgotten software that was once used to power DisneyQuest machines. And as obnoxious as his mind operates, he did say something that lent itself as a consolation prize for my blown into pieces heart.

The sea mends...

Water, I've always thought, has enough silly beauty and powerful destruction to both save me and kill me. How many times have I wanted to wander out to sea and get swept away, ending up a beached whale thousands of miles ago...how can I do that without a successful concussion? So far, it's proven difficult.

You're somewhere full or nowhere

This reminds me of a Bright Eyes song. And no, it's not “I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE DRAPED IN FLOWERS” or “THE KITCHEN IS COLD BUT THE COFFEE IS WARM” (or something like that). The last time I liked those bastards was at boarding school. “You went to boarding school?” Yeah, I did. Past tense before it even ended.

In debt or in doubt, we pull the world's muscle

Mmhmm. The world can stretch and fold upon itself for all I care. Take me off this stupid planet and crash land me into Mars. I can't write anymore – even my handwriting has gone from a sorority girl's print and cursive into a raving incarcerated lunatic's scrawl. The E! True Hollywood Story: Andrea Yates was on television in the hospital. What a kind of fucked up spa vacation that day was. For the first time in a long time I was fully relaxed and aware and things had clarity...

A border flew open

What can she say anymore? It is time to leave and run back to Chicago. It is time to finally admit that she can't handle any sort of productivity any longer and sends her case back to court for them to review and have a warrant out for her arrest

the sun is rising

2008-04-24T05:37:00.002-06:00

Here is some poetry that presents itself as a giraffe's tongue: black and slimy.

Denial
It is a river in Egypt.

It's dark
Blacklight dark? Will ultraviolet evidence end up on a patchy hotel bedspread crawling with golden invisible bugs? Or are you accustomed to my shadowy figure enough to make out my sign language, where I can outline the veiny constellations for you?

It's ending
High school sweetheart ending? Or the last piece of blotted pepperoni pie that's been frosting in the fridge overnight ending? This can't be the last time I'll ever be able to kiss you. No wayyyy.

It's dead.
How dead? Fingernails and hair still grow when the heart stops beating. Force fed chickens, maybe the least intelligent birds in the entire animal kingdom, still run around without their heads. You know that Miracle Max can help, if true love is directly involved. Cyrotechnology has some up and coming advancements.

reactivated facebook!

2008-04-21T19:34:00.000-06:00

Because...I know my life is just as fulfilling without it.

i'ma fight a man tonight

2008-04-16T12:47:00.002-06:00

I need you like a heart needs a beat... too bad I have a pacemaker, bitch!

OMGQ. "Breakin Dishes" by Rihanna might be the most bad ass song ever. With obvious apologies to Celine Dion and "It's All Coming Back to Me." Princess RiRi for Senator.

Here's what's occupying my life as per usual:
muscle spasms that I can't control. Parkinson's fuck!
Tourette's Guy (who I am being for Halloween - copyright, do not steal)
Crystal Light
Waking Life
The words "festering cunt cave." Call someone that and see how they react.
Tanning aka sunburning on Farrand Field
the last post under this one's ass
pillows
peace
4/20 holler

hmmm

2008-04-16T00:07:00.002-06:00

"and just to lay with you
there's nothing that i wouldn't do
save lay my rifle down."

you must be mad or you wouldn't have come here

2008-04-06T10:05:00.003-06:00

We watched Alice in Wonderland last night. First off, Alice's eyebrows are incredibly chola.

Elbows up, side to side

And the White Rabbit gets not only his house effed up by a DODO (hello, extinct, way to add insult to injury) but the Mad Hatter's insane ass basically makes a cake out of his clock. I felt bad for him. The hookah addicted caterpillar has HUMAN HANDS, making it appear as though he's just some random homeless dude with a multiple segmented body wearing a costume. The Queen of Hearts is a man-looking dictator. And everyone knows those are the worst kinds of dictators. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum aren't in the original Alice's Adventures in Wonderland but they remind me of that Ani Difranco song anyway. Also, you know you're stoned when you over analyze this movie and have a running personal narrative about how the Carpenter is a Christ figure and the Walrus is John Lennon, even though that his self-proclaimed "I Am The Walrus" was made like a hundred years after Lewis Carroll tweaked Alice out.

I cashed my biweekly $150 yesterday, instead of putting it in my checking account like I usually do, which was really silly. I've bought so many arts and crafts. I guess I could up my income by selling these friendship bracelets or something.

just my 'magination running away with me

2008-03-24T23:47:00.002-06:00

Note that this entire entry (ent-ir-ey) will be in "I am" statements. How empowering!

I am on spring break. I am freshly out of the psych hospital. I am at Aaron's house right now. I am tempted to write some crazy shit at the intersection of Disturbing and Non Sequitur on his typewriter - NOT a sexual innuendo. I am currently obsessed with this song called "Bottoms Up" by Ms. KeKe P rockin the M I C. I am missing Boulder. I am having a crisis. I am still feeling this major depression even though I'm on medication. I am unaware who reads this. I am off Facebook for the time being because it was ruining my life. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I am lucky for that. I am going to get it together. I am broken hearted. I am hoping this won't last forever.

a word on sex from fifteen year old hailey

2008-03-12T14:20:00.000-06:00

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Sex. I didn't do a Google image search on this one, because this is a family establishment, folks. Clark wrote a blog on this and I'm returning the favor.

Where do I start. Oh yeah. Whether or not I'm a virgin is nobody's business but mine, and that's all I have to say about that. I believe sexuality should be sacred and respected, which is sometimes hard to do because sex is everywhere -- Abercrombie & Fitch bags, beer commercials, even that frickin suntan lotion where the baby's getting molested by the dog. This also came up while I was searching for "water babies".

I think casual sex is disgusting. I'm not talking about prostitution, but getting it on with someone you just met an hour before at a party is taking it too far. This is going to sound really stupid, but I believe it's called "making love" for a reason. Sex should stem out of love, not the other way around.

Lust. Clark said although it's a sin, it's hard for him because he's a guy. But who's to say that guys have a harder time containing lust than girls? I guess you could describe me as a sexual person; I'm pretty flirtatious and I usually make the first move. But when I first meet someone I'm attracted to, I'm not fantasizing about sex, I'm daydreaming about hand-holding and nervous laughs and all the other fluttery feelings I get when a relationship is new.

I remember when my mom gave me my first real "sex talk". Not the egg and the sperm and shit, but how scary and damaging it can be if you're not with the right person. "First rule is that we don't lose our virginity to boys who don't call us back." I've made a lot of mistakes with guys before. I've been dumped for not putting out, I've been pressured to do things I wasn't ready for, and there've been a lot of false, hurtful rumors around about me. I know enough asshole guys and seen enough heartbroken, hysterical girls on a Friday night to make me want to pulverize ever straight man on the planet. I've been called a slut more times than I can count, and I do not enjoy being judged. You probably don't either.

Some days, just the mere thought of boys grosses me out. You have a penis (the plural is penes, rhymes with beanies). Ew. I mean, you pee standing up! What the hell? Your genitalia looks like a long john donut. And where do you put it when you ride a bike? Thinking about one of those things inside me makes me want to puke. But I guess this is my biggest problem about being fifteen: sometimes I feel like I'm ten years old all over again.

I'm not trying to give advice or put my values on anyone. I feel like a total dumbass typing this out because I told you, I'm really not good at this whole "being serious" thing. And...I'm done.

mhmm

2008-03-11T13:46:00.001-06:00

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
I'll wake you up in the mornin' so early
Just to tell you I got the wandering blues
I got the wanderin' blues
And I'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon
And I'll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

everybody knows it sucks to grow up

2008-03-09T13:48:00.003-06:00

HOMESICKNESS: You're doing it wrong.

Things I Learned From the Historically Accurate Visual Masterpiece 10,000 B.C.:
1. Everyone in caveman days has T-Pain hair, including that bitch from When A Stranger Calls.
2. Cavemen are often named after characters in Diddy Kong Racing, specifically the living stopwatch who runs the time trials, Tic Tic.
3. There were ostrich raptors in cavemen days.
4. Saber tooth tigers (who I originally thought were contenders for the pimpest animals to ever exist, followed by the Gila monster or something) have the cognitive ability to tell the difference between the cavemen who save them from a watery death and the cavemen who just want them for their "Spear Teeth."
5. In cavemen days, you could get from the frozen Shackleton tundra to a weird jungle place to the dryer than "dried out apricot paper towel" deserts in mere days of walking! (Was that desert place Egypt? I thought they were gonna show some pharaohs and shit but it was just a mass slave uprising against these chola-like shamen.)
6. In cavemen days, wonky eyes were a sign of good fortune.
7. Wise women have seizures in which they can see the future and also can breathe life into bitches via mind control? (I'm still trying to figure this part out.)
8. Cavemen love caused the couples on both my left and right to make out consistently throughout the entire movie which reiterated the fact that I had a rainbow hat on and was stuffing popcorn in my mouth like a mf Build-a-Bear in stuffing transit and was like...extremely alone. Yay!
9. Killing a mammoth is akin to buying a drink for a cavewoman when it's not Ladies Night.
10. "There is more than one way for a prophecy to be fulfilled."

It was a hilarious movie. I actually couldn't stop talking in the theatre, which was super embarrassing cus people were actually riveted by this cavemen piece of shit. I mean, it had a narrator who was not Morgan Freeman and that was their first mistake.

You know you're Fat Ashley when: you Wikipedia various restaurants, including Old Country Buffet. That is based on a true story. Also...am I currently willing to waste enough time to redesign the CSS codes on this thing right now? Nah. Let me tell you something about Colorado weather: it is absolutely bipolar and bananas. It is mf gd Mommie Dearest. Today is beautiful and warm and I'm about to make my way down to Farrand Field(/Beach) for a little bit but later this week there's supposed to be snow again.

-"We're anti-label here! We're going against the corporate world!"
-"EXCEPT FOR OUR CLOTHES."

and it ain't a microphone

2008-03-02T21:44:00.003-07:00

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

- Nun (I really enjoyed The Sound of Music when I was in kindergarten and I thought all nuns had to do was sing and spin (spinging) on Austrian hilltops and outsmart Nazis, which is so badass. When I told my mom that my life was going to be led in a convent, she told me that seriously and specifically that nuns "aren't allowed to get married...they're married to God" which was kind of her way of saying "THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX AND WE'RE NOT CATHOLIC" but that did not matter to me. I saw a bunch of nuns in the mall on Saturday and I'm sorry, they still look pretty badass.)
- Special Effects Director (This might come off as some psychotic Michael Myers shit, but I sometimes liked to make fake blood in my kitchen sink using ketchup/catsup. And not cus I had like a blood fetish or wanted to chop people up; I just thought it was absolutely amazing that the stuff splattering all over the screen in The Relic wasn't real.)
- Mariah Carey (This still stands. Dreamlover come and rescue me!)

I keep making lists that say "Getting My Life Together" at the top in colorful Sharpie letters. Wishful thinking.

you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

2008-02-21T03:30:00.004-07:00

The Internet Movie Database forums are hilarious. A thread exists in which users are arguing about using vodka as a substitute for water for smoking out of a bong. According to CocoLoco326, "It *might* clean the bong if anything. It's not something I would suggest. It might have just been for shock value."

justmattson's site has been shut down by its owner...

I'm kind of annoyed that I did that dude. Freaking Xanga documented my entire life from roughly 2002 (definitely pre middle school graduation "What we don't need no key! Amacka smell like pee! Class of 2003!") to the beginning of junior year, when I realized that if any authority read it I would be promptly placed in some sort of mumps quarantine and I'd never get a respectable job. But, as 15-year-old Victoria, my favorite Maury guest ever once said, "it's cool, cus I got it like that."

This playlist is called ">>>>>>>"
"Jerusalem" - Dan Bern
"Interstate Love Song" - Stone Temple Pilots
"Over the Hills and Far Away" - Led Zeppelin
"Save Yourself" - Aesop Rock
"Warning Sign" - Coldplay
"Werewolf" - CocoRosie
"Say It Ain't So" - Weezer
"Sexy Can I" - Ray J

second best

2008-01-29T12:37:00.002-07:00

I've been teabagging my Nalgene with Tummy Mint or Tension Tamer, depending on how badly my tummy needs to feel like a garden/tension escapes from its cage and runs around nude like a racoon on acid. That's almost as funny as the Time headline "The Clintons Double-Team Obama."

∆∆∆ I am in love with those three triangles.

that he wasn't even an angel, just a liar with wings

2007-12-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

Two thousand seven is about to be finis, finit, finito, and I have several exciting entries planned for the new year!, including but not limited to:
- weird gum that looks like it's shitting itself on the package (I'm looking at you, Denteyne ChocoMint!)
- why old people are quietly plotting the downfall of America
- ways to lose weight that may or may not involve Carmen Electra's striptease videos

yeah, well, csi: miami is the worst csi of all!

2007-12-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so mixed up sometimes. Fruit cocktail...what a killer combo. Fruit + cock + tail.
My normal circadian rhythms have fallen by the wayside since I've gotten to college.

Do you think it's a blessing or a curse to have the ability to consistently entertain yourself?

Mon
Dec 17 Sunny
29°/20° 20%
29°F

The day I come home is the only valid "sunny" day in the entire ten day Chicago forecast.
Never mind...! the fact that if all goes according to plan, my flight will land at 9:35 pm.
Bitch Fat Betch would be a hilarious name for a sorority. For girls who ask if butter is a carb and actually mean it and who relate to Winnie-The-Pooh a little too much.

and it's dark, and there is nobody driving, and something has got to give

2007-12-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ursula from The Little Mermaid is the scariest fucking drag queen this side of the Mississippi, and I'm including those Memphis drag queens who beat the living daylights out of a McDonald's employee.

You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! AND DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF BODY LANGUAGE, HA!

Little kids are the biggest tweakballs ever. I used to watch The Little Mermaid on the daily, then rewind the VHS and watch it again, as if it would alter the storyline at all. And I related to the character of Flounder (the wimpy yellow fish who has a disturbingly bulbous nose) much more than Ariel. My mommy was Ariel, and my dad was Prince Eric, and I was Flounder. Would The Vag Advantage be a good title for a book about the situations where women have the upper hand over men (i.e. getting out of gym class because of "cramps," benefiting from the acrylic nail industry, etc.)?

Finals Songs:
"I Wish My Baby Was Born" - the Be Good Tanyas
"Chemicals React" - Aly & AJ
"Since You Stole My Heart" - Saturday Looks Good to Me
"The Last Unicorn" - America
"Ballerina" - Leona Neass
"Love Stoned" - Justin Timberlake
"Ocean" - John Butler Trio

"Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit more than gigantic wreaths on the parking garage at O'Hare International Airport."

baby i'm bad news

2007-12-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

My life has recently taken an interesting turn. The only comment I can make about this is that I can't wait to see what happens.

honesty

2007-11-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

TEN THINGS THAT I COULD NOT GO ON WITHOUT:

1. my friends - yes, that includes you
2. oral fixation (biting nails and cuticles, chewing gum and popping bubbles)
3. finding beauty in the world in the silliest places
4. number two pencils
5. down comforters
6. beats that i can feel in my bones
7. saving the tootsie roll pop wrappers that have the shooting star indian on them (they're good luck)
8. being a little bit scared of the future but in a good way
9. bookstores
10. the expression "yeah man"

i haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime

2007-11-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

Last night, I apologized to this kid down the hallway who I once drunk dialed and told him that I never wanted to speak to him again and that his girlfriend was a banshee bitch. But it was a pretty poorly constructed apology, since I told him that he "lacks social graces" and that his girlfriend should never be let out during the full moon. But it's the thought that counts, right?

like i couldn't do it for you LIKE YOUR MISTRESS COULD!!

2007-11-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I lived in a house right next to Dyke Stadium (later renamed "Ryan Field" for the sake of lesbians everywhere), where Northwestern University holds its football games. Since we lived so close, I got hella ca$h by holding lemonade/apple cider stands in my front yard, because I paid the co$t to be the bo$$. But on this day, I was chilling on my front steps, enjoying a cherry popsicle (I would rub it all over my mouth to make lipstick), pigtails and clad in Limited Too. And then a couple of drunk college students came wandering from their local tailgating party over to my house. And this guy whipped out his dick and pissed on the tree in my front yard, completely oblivious to my cherry popsicled self.

It's weird, I just remembered this a couple weeks ago. PTSD?

I wonder if there's a reason why this happened to me. I must have pissed someone off a lot in a past life or something. I can't stop thinking about how retarded I must have been to let it happen. Maybe I did deserve it.

it's alll a mystery

2007-11-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

I thought I was smart
I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue, in always being cool
So it came time to fight
I thought "I'll just step aside"
And that the time will prove you wrong
And that you would be a fool
I don't know where the sunbeams end
And the starlight begins
It's all a mystery

yo, the next time you eat eggs, picture them covered in yogurt, and the next time you eat yogurt, picture it containing eggs

2007-11-06T13:34:00.001-07:00

My computer's being wack-a-mole right now and a lot of letters are only showing up white on white. I am in Biology lecture and I usually don't bring my computer along because I dunno, there's something to be said for hand-written notes, but I have to write a three page paper on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by 5 pm. I also am a nosy motherfucker and always look at what people are doing on their computers. Once, there was this sketchy skinny white boy with bifocals and a G-Unit oversized shirt who A number one) had a VENTI STRAWBERRY PINK AS A MY LITTLE PONY'S HAIR Frappachino drink in one hand and was doing Text Twist with the other. I see that kid all the time, man. I think he was the one who spend over $600 on phone sex hotlines from his dorm room. I'm really afraid I might crash soon when I still have to go to Environmental Justice class and find references and edit this stupid paper. My mouth is as dry as a fucking dried ass apricot on a desert island that's been rolling around in paper towels. I don't give no fuck about recessive alleles. This weekend was probably the worst of my entire life, because, let's face it, when it rains, it pours. Too bad Fat Joe didn't incorporate that old saying into his smash hit "Make It Rain."

Look at a picture, they're always fun to see:

for real

2007-11-03T10:06:00.001-06:00

It is a little frightening that I lost the three basically most important material objects in my life right now.

1. My cell phone. I have terrible separation anxiety surrounding my cell phone. It is vital to my survival. If I lose it like in my tiny ass room I freAK out and have someone call it everytime. And now it's out there in the holistic great wide Earth.
2. My id card. This gets me meals and allows me access to my dorm and more or less qualifies me as a student.
3. My brand new winter coat (I am assuming that my cell phone and id card are in one of the million pockets it has). I live in like the mountains. This is some Into The Wild, Discovery Channel bullshit show on the untouched by society parts of the world, mf wildnerness. Like my house is in the mountains. Out there, it's cold as Santa Claus's tit if he had frostbite and had to skin reindeer for coats of warmth, including Rudolf's (typo but I like it) red nose as a button. Also I literally just received this beautiful coat in the mail on Thursday. (Thanks Dad.)

The reason why this is so frightening is because I never, ever, ever lose this shit. I have this ritual with myself before I leave any party slightly/moderately/extremely intoxicated where I CHECK to make sure I didn't leave anything behind. I will make sure I have my cell phone and my id card and wearing a coat is pretty standard for Colorado nights in November.

The fact that I didn't check for these and also
1. That I woke up still drunk
2. That I do not remember going home
3. That I do not remember where I went after that last frat

is scary to me.

you can't just do that!

2007-10-28T09:50:00.000-06:00

Has anyone ever had sex in space?

i'm lonely, but i ain't that lonely yet

2007-10-24T17:15:00.001-06:00

I go down to the river
Filled with regret
I go down and I wonder
If there was any reason left
I left just before my lungs could get wet
I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

i have to be a quarter, not a nickel or dime

2007-10-16T22:52:00.000-06:00

Fuck Facebook. Everytime I go on this stupid blue and white dumbass site I feel my soul getting sucked into some black magic vortex composed of digital photo albums and status updates.
I heard a Beyonce song tonight called "Suga Mama" in which she screams, "TAKE MY CREDIT CARD!" at the end.
I cannot afford toothpaste. Speaking of bums, read this story. :(.
Are emoticons (i.e. :), :\, etc) a turn off? I like this one: =).
I link songs to specific memories more than any living being should. They get their own certain dedication and location. Sometimes I can remember my exact mindset the first time I truly listened to it.
The TI-83 machine gun scandal is a pretty good one.
Remember when we used *asterisks* to talk to each other online?
*Nozzztalgia*
Strange thought: there are certain relationships that you will have that nobody will ever truly understand what was going on there (what am I thinking of here? Fall 2005 with a chapped lipped kitchen boy. Yeah what?)
Time to study for Linguistics!

i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake (...yeah those are fall out boy lyrics, no i am not a 13-year-old asian boy)

2007-10-03T00:30:00.001-06:00

"When the lights are off and we are cleaning stuff, IT MEANS, WE ARE CLOSED!!!!! DONT ASK US TO OPEN JUST FOR YOU!!!! YOU WILL LIVE WITHOUT YOUR PRECIOUS NASTY ASS NACHOS AND BAD ASS CHEESE!!!! THERE ARE GAS STATIONS A BLOCK AWAY!!!!"

I'm taking this class called Environmental Justice, where we read all these philosophy conclusions on why animals deserve rights and why zoos are inhumane and so on. It's a pretty long class in mid-afternoon, and for some reason I always get this craz-ving for Popeye's or maybe KFC during it. Gimme those chickens bred to grow so large that they can’t even walk, and break their wings and legs. Feed those hot motherfuckers through tubes!! JK like Rowling. Your meal from Popeye's should actually only be consummated about as often as the X-Games or something. It will give you a mf hangover after you shit out the entire contents of your stomach and perhaps the tip of your colon.

Songs That I Like That the Plebeians Do Not Appreciate!:
"Intervention" - Arcade Fire
"Marching Bands of Manhattan" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Something to Believe In" (aka the Gossip Girl theme song) - Aqualung
"Postcards From Italy" - Beirut
"Wolf Like Me" - TV On The Radio
All of the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack

Who in the blue hell thought that kiwis and strawberries should always be paired together? This Gatorade actually tastes like legit Jell-O. Not to mention the fact that it's been in the fridge for probably 25 years. This Gatorade could go to war and die for its country.

turn out the light and what are you left with

2007-09-28T00:21:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow, I am driving sixteen hours (from Boulder to San Diego) with Bob Dole and Root Beer Kevin to get some In and Out burgers and hit up Legoland and the Pacific Ocean. There is something so Wes Anderson/Rocket Power/Volkswagen commercial/heavenly about this whole idea. Also, we're driving through Utah going door to door with The Origin of Species and to promote polyandry to the more open-minded folk. And Las Vegas. I think we might just pee in a fountain or go to a strip club for like ten minutes there since none of us have a fake.

you must not know bout me

2007-09-09T03:39:00.000-06:00

WWW.TF.(com)

this is my message to you hoo hoo
(yoo-hoo? what? i saw a litttle girl get her tongue stuck in a motherfucking yoo-hoo bottle on rescue 911 once. also, are there copyright infringement laws involving yoo-hoo - and i am using a hyphen here because i'm feeling weirdly british and like to inject absurd grammatical rules like putting "U"s in random words like "color" - and youtube?)

bermuda
bahama
come on pretty mama
- this is the greatest song ever. recorded.

maaaaaaaaaaaaaan i felt like rollerskating at the PLAYDIUM tonight. the first boy/girl party on planet earth took place there, like with cavemen and shit. everything about the playdium is wonderful. all they have to drink there is straight up High Fructose Corn Syrup. they don't even front with false pretenses about "Tropical Punch" or "Lemon-Aid." the playdium is fun. COUPLE SKATE!!! make sure you wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans before that bad boy.

you know what else is fun? tracing your vericose veins with a highlighter. this one is called the Tigress. and you can spot the Circle of Fertility in between these two spots.

on another note, i am officially starving. i think if i ever become in a position of political power, i will mandate that all restaurants should be open 24 hours a day. it would create jobs. it makes complete sense. do you ever wake up at 4 in the morning and just LUST after some motherfucking greek food? dear santa claus, this is what i want for christmas:

gyros sandwich
lemon fries
white sauce (not a term for semen b-t-dubbbs)
water
baklava

also, santa, did i mention that this year christmas falls on 4:57 AM (mountain time), september 9, 2007? chop chop.

let's pwn some n00bs

what you've done here
is put yourself between a bullet and a target
and it won't be long before
you'll be pullin yourself away

Also

2007-09-02T13:25:00.000-06:00

Did you guys know that in freshman year of high school I prank called this boy I had a crush on and just played "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey really loud? Completely bad ass.

an incomplete list of "things easier said than done"

2007-09-02T12:48:00.000-06:00

Following through when an enraged authority figure tells you to "WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!"
Climbing a palm tree
Having "a happy period," as Always (trademark!) instructs. Periods will only make you happy if you've been irresponsible that month, and even then it's only for like a second.
Passing the Slurpee machine in 7-11 without sticking your fingers in the melted mess like a fiendish fruit fly*
Emotional detachment away from someone you've been in love with for almost a year
Convincing yourself that this was the right decision

*Applies to grade-A Crackheads only.

zero 7 is also good

2007-08-26T13:06:00.001-06:00

Try talking to you
While you do, while you do
I swap places with you
Just to see things through
Just sing me the tune
And you'll see
I'll keep it here for you
I'll wait for your cue

You wrote down all the words
Black and white
On a wall
Just keepin' it so
Yeah you know how it goes
No plans for a change, nothing strange
No not today, no way
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

ok so

2007-08-26T12:53:00.000-06:00

thom yorke is pretty weird, and i'm not denying it. i'm sure he goes to the local hospital to look at sick people and stuff, and he makes lyrics like "yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon." but here's the thing: listening to radiohead is a fucking spiritual experience.

for a minute there, i lost myself.

~Passion 4 Fashion~

2007-08-14T03:35:00.000-06:00

What I have to say needs to be written out longhand.

happy xMaz. mr. harry kotter !

2007-08-09T01:59:00.000-06:00

-"Oh my gosh. We're playing for breast cancer."
-"I think you mean that we're playing for breast cancer AWARENESS. Or even a cure!"
-"Whatever...pink is like, the national color of breast cancer."
-"Yeah. Breast cancer AWARENESS. You don't want to promote various forms of cancer, you know?"
-"If there was a sunshine of gayness, I'd soak myself silly in it!"
-"Oh, Lord."

the paula deanda saga

2007-06-24T03:29:00.000-06:00

I know I'm a hot hot shorty
But you gotta slow down (slow down)
You don't know me (don't know me)
I you're in a hot hot hurry
You gotta go now (go now), back up off me (off me)

oh lord. i kinda fucked upppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp tonight.

I'm going to Yah Mo Burn This Place To The Ground

2007-05-21T23:12:00.000-06:00

there are no gd drinks in my mf house except for this lemonade that tastes like pee with a slogan that says "reverse your thirst" which doesn't even make sense because i want to quench my thirst not flip it around. i've been drinking tap water raskolnikov style, but i'm not addign any crystal lite: raspberry ice to it because i think it correlated to the three nose bleeds i got in the past week. here's the thing about nose bleeds: fucking strange. there is always a kid in your third grade glass, probably the one in the fly-eye glasses and maternally purchased cargo pants who has to interrupt the lesson because he has a nose bleed. again. but yeah, that crystal lite is good in moderation. it was like when i was up to watching a horror movie every night of the week (children of the corn, hellraiser 2, saw III, dead silence, jason x) and had a dream where i was killing people and didn't even realize it. it's funny because i am the least violent person this side of greenpeace.com and i see a lot of myself in jason voorhees. i love my fridaythe13forum so much. andy calls me a nerdy nerd give you lovin long time! because i'm now the current moderator of hellhole but like, you're the one who's always trying to organize lan parties and shit. that's my guy doe. shoutout.

sometimes i prefer typing in all lowercase letters, not cus i think i'm e.e. cummings (porn name: oh. oh. cummings) or some shit but i like the way it all fits. i got a job at the GLEN 10 movie theaters haha bitchessssssss! NO OUTSIDE FOOD ALLOWED! that would be contraband and i will promptly eat it unless it is tomatoes or kashi. i'm working on two school projects at once right now. fucking goddamnit! give me that rainbow writing and some non tap water and i will be pleased. and let school be over or else i will od on this carmex. by literally ingesting it. internal bleeding!

my favorite poem in the whole wide world

2007-05-20T22:54:00.000-06:00

The Quiet World

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
-- Jeffrey McDaniel

they say my lip gloss is poppin, my lip gloss is coooooooo0ol

2007-05-17T21:41:00.000-06:00

What in the blue hell is going on in this picture? It was in the Art Institute and I couldn't stop staring at it. The harpist in the middle is also the guy in 3-6 Mafia (Academy Award winners! Dope boy fresh!) - the one who had his bebe luV up from Nashville and she made an aphrodisiac out of sour cream or some shit. It reminds me of that one lunch table of really sad obese girls who put pink goop in their hair. Yes. The Pink Goopers of the world dragging a member of 3-6 Mafia back into the sea, while some goons sit in the VIP section with shells on their heads. I love the word "goon" almost as much as I love the word "banshee."

The lead singer of Architecture for Helsenki sounds exactly like Stuart from Mad TV. Evidence: His high pitched whisper and the lyrics like, "don't slide down the banister / be-causssse you'll injure / your googoo / and that's all some men have going for them."

It feels good to write again.

Welcome back, Professor Oak.

i can't form sentences correctly good anymore

2007-04-26T23:56:00.000-06:00

Some Good Ideas (do not steal):

- Next My Mom

- Condiment Condoms: from mustard to soy sauce, yo flavor is ready

- Sleeping Beauty fairy powers transferred to my blood stream

crimson

and clover

over

and over

don't suck on fred's head...that's daphne's job

2007-04-16T21:49:00.000-06:00

The other night I was at Tani's while my Burger King sat outside because that shit is XXX NONKOSH XXX and not allowed inside. I found this picture of him from eighth grade graduation with this man teddy bear and had to steal it. It was vital to my survival. Actually, I didn't steal it because it was in a decorated frame and looked pretty precious to his old man and like, my conscious was on overdrive. Point is, Tani, give me that goddamn picture before sell your five year old stripper sister to some water buffaloes.

I've been looking at Postsecret for the last couple minutes. Here are some particularly touching ones. Goddamn...this website really understands the human spirit. I need to go out there and pay $29.99 for a book of them all. I JUST WANT SOME CONNECTION!

You're the only one who stuck it out last night

The only other one who caught the other line

You're the only one when this world collides

The one that I can't deny

The Bakery

2007-04-15T19:25:00.000-06:00

CLERK: Good day, Miss. What can I do for you?

CUSTOMER: I want to buy some gorgeous bread.

CLERK: Do you want a loaf of whole-grain blood or would you like some buttermilk booties?

CUSTOMER: Just a regular loaf with sesame baboons on textbooks on it.

CLERK: All right now, how about some nice Flavor of Love cake?

CUSTOMER: Well, I have 100 children, and they all like to eat sweet wild blueberries. How much are your cookies?

CLERK: We have Cooler Ranch chip cookies at cien dollars a pound. And we have this box of assorted little shaved pussies for only two dollars.

CUSTOMER: I'll take one. They look like they don't have more than THE NUMBER 23 calories.

CLERK: All right. That will be one box of Scooby-Doo fans, our special indigo berry pie, and a big family-sized loaf of astronaut.

a toad the power mower caught

2007-03-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

diz iz y im hott

2007-03-18T19:31:00.000-06:00

I have a confession to make, and it's not that I just licked the bottom of my Lean Cuisine tray for any excess peanut sauce. I saw Dead Silence (the movie about a ghost ventriloquist) today, and I liked it. It was decently scary, and I don't usually get scared in horror movies because I've seen so many of them. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but TOOT-TOOT! or WAA-NUU-GAH! James and Leigh are one "killer!" pair.

I'm going to this, y'all! July 6-8 in Indianapolis. Okay summer. We see you. Along with analyzing poetry and studying Euro.

sexy time

2007-03-11T21:12:00.000-06:00

"To Catch a Predator" on Dateline is the most watched show among common woodland animals, including the owls who can twist their heads all around. It's basically the shit and has the most standard format that I've ever seen on a news show. It shows a snippet of an online conversation between a predator and a decoy underage girl (the predators have screen names like "luvs2eaturpeach") and they go along these lines:

luvs2eaturpeach: don't tell anybody about our rendez-vous. i could go to jail.
VulnerableUnderagedVagina12: good idea!
luvs2eaturpeach: just using my noodle
luvs2eaturpeach: so you can use my other noodle

then they show the predators creeping to the decoy's house and walking into the kitchen. The girl asks, "Did you bring my M&Ms?" and they pat pat pat their pockets. "Did you bring the condoms?" she asks. Pat pat pat. Then This Guy pops out of nowhere:

"So...you were planning to have a fruit salad party, weren't you, Mr. Loves To Eat Your Peach?"
"I was not gonna have sex with her."
"So why did you bring the condoms? Do you know how old this girl was?"
"Uh..."
"Thirteen. That is illegal. Do you know who I am?"
"No."
"Sure you do. I am CHRIS HANSEN, investigative reporter. You're on Dateline, and you've been caught."

At this point, the predator runs from the house and gets tasered on the lawn by the police, and then probably taken to jail. The whole thing shouldn't be so funny, because those guys should not be seeking young girls for sex, but it is. It would be amazing if you went into chat rooms with a seedy rooms and caught the Dateline people. And then you showed up with your own video camera and some confetti and say, "GOTCHYA, LIL FELLA! Two can play this game!" Haha! Power to the predators.

apathetic!

2007-03-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

J'ai faim j'ai faim

child-->adulthood

2007-02-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

I am three years old in this picture. I could probably get at least 10 bucks for the wild tortoise. Turtles can sell anywhere from $2 to $1000 on the Internet, even if they're Chinese. Same with feral children. It was the day that a giraffe licked me, black tongue and all. You know what they say about giraffes, right? Once you go black tongue, you do not get coal miner's lung!

This is me at the age of seventeen. As you can see, not much has changed. I still want to "Party All the Time" like Eddie Murphy and Rick James suggested back in the day. The best part of that classic comes during the timeslot of 1:04-1:07. Eddie Murphy laments, "I buy you champagne and roses, put diamonds on your finger" and Rick James says in this sultry banshee voice, "diamonds on your fingaaaaaaa." Oh man. It lands a spot on this list:

Things That are Hilarious That Words Cannot Properly Explain:

1. Rapidly rubbing the velvet ceiling of a car.
2. Those lines in the Trina song - "I can't even look at your face without wanting to slap you! / Damn I thank God I ain't get that tattoo" - that prompted my dad to turn off the radio and say, "jeez!"
3. Diamonds on your fingaaaaaa.
4. The fact that Hamlet sounds like a freaking Walker Brother entree.

AND now I'm going to be eighteen in less than an hour!

"If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out! Out of service, out of Africa, I wouldn't hang about!" - Zazu's gay ass

this guns for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

2007-02-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

My poor cat Kitty a.k.a. Big Kitty BK a.k.a. Queen Latifah is in mourning. She does not have the means nor the ability to conceive kittens, or else I'm sure she would've gotten some action from our Siamese main man, Ricky a.k.a. "Rickki" according to the stupid vet certificates (his last name is not Lake and he does in fact know who sired his child) a.k.a Mr. Marberry a.ka. Rick-a-lick a.k.a. My Mom Hates You Because You Took A Shit On Her Bed One Time. He is Siamese...and he'll please!

Anyway, back to Kitty's little problem. During the night, she takes clean shirts out of the laundry basket and carries it softly in her mouth, mrowing pitifully. Mroaw rowwwww. Fucking sad. It reminds me of a coyote's howl, except the coyote is the one affixed to the wall at Taco Bell and he's depressed because he wants a Gordita or a Chalupita or a Funkalicia and can't get any of those.

Taco Bell does not want you to get mono. This is a smart business move cus mono makes your pee look/smell like Fanta which is almost as gross as sucking cottage cheese out of someone's asshole with a crazy straw. And the cottage cheese is from Laura Ingalls Wilder's cottage in the Big Woods.

I'm averaging six posts a day on the Friday the 13th Online Forum. That's pretty nerdy, but not as bad as spending hours making videos of my Counter-Strike highlights to the tune of Kevin Federline's smash hit "Lose Control." Oh, I smell a hit with that one! Wait...do hits smell like used tuna? You know who you are. I'm trying this new diet of whenever I get a hunger pain, I drink Diet Coke or water. If I'm super hungry, I'll have an Arnold Palmer. That's also a lie.

Oregon is the most beautiful place you've ever seen. I swear, I'll take you there and we can swim in the cold mountain water and climb the pine trees, even the burnt ones from the last fire. There are guitar chords and Indian men with sticks with bells and little fishies that are just trying to make it down that stream. You and I are exactly the same, except you are convex and I am concave, so let us spoon in our different similarities. I will fill myself with your stories of my life and we will be happy.

i still go to taco bell, drive thru, raw as hell - fergie

2007-02-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

Should this be in bullet points just for Kix (Kid Tested, Mother Approved)? Yes.

My dental hygienist is the shit. First she told me that I should always eat large quantities of Swedish Fish at a time rather than taking smaller portions because then the sugar doesn't build itself up buttercup. Then she recommended me to an oral surgeon for my upcoming wisdom teeth removal and said, "All of these guys are good, but this one is spicy. If you're gonna have your teeth yanked out, then you should at least have someone easy on the eyes." It should also be noted that the oral surgeon in question is named "Sohledgebreg" and she circled the "oh" part.

I hope the White Hen on Central never ever closes. It sells the Arizona Ice Tea product "Arnold Palmer."

I drink so much of this stuff that if they cut open my veins tonight, they'd find it swimming around in my blood. You know they approached him and were like, we wanna base a half iced tea/half lemonade beverage off your image, and Arnie Arn said, "Make it approximately the length and width of my dick." And then Arizona Iced Tea Inc executives were like, shit, we better make this stuff low calorie so it won't kill people because of how large the serving sizes are.

Q: What's a regional math team's preferred drink?
A: ARML Palmer.

Recently downloaded songs:

"Breathe Me" - Sia
"Making Memories of Us" - Keith Urban aka my mom's ringtone
"Faust" - Gorillaz
"Ghetto Gospel" - 2pac & Elton John
"Glamorous" - Fergie (I mean, she is the Dutchess)
"This Year" - Mountain Goats
"100,000 Fireflies" - the Magnetic Fields
"Nobody's Fool" - Avril Lavigne!
I'm not the milk and Cheerios in your spoon / It's not as simple, here we go,
not so soon! / I might have fallen for that when I was fourteen and a little
more green /But it's amazing what a couple of years can mean

Favorite Internet face (not emoticon, that's a silly word): :-*
Favorite Internet face that looks like he's being raped: ;0

passion, it is true, is not quite the fitting word for what i wish to express, said hegel

2007-02-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

My name is Hailey and I'm here to tell you about American Girl Dolls.

Some dress up as Plains Indians for Halloween and shoot anybody that comes near them.

Some are on that Hostel shit and no one is paying her. In fact, she is the one paying THEM!

Some are named Josephina and have blind people glasses when they go to the beach.

Some sit in dirty poses.

Some are used as evidence on Law & Order: SVU (dun dun.)

I have lately been talking back to the characters on Degrassi. Darcy just reminded Spinner about their vow to remain virgins until marriage. Spinner says, "Virgins. Yeah, totally." I say, "Haha! No!" and I didn't even realize it. It's like that time when I was in Panino's alone with my chicken and The Parkers or something was on the tv and Monique (my fucking hero) said something along the lines of "that ain't funny worth a damn!" and I laughed extremely hard.

currently: filling out an eharmony personality profile

2007-01-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

I sneezed TWENTY-FOUR times in A ROW today. A fucking row. It was insane. It was almost like the time I drank a gallon of milk in a minute...via an udder of a young buck. (Bambi's father figure = Yung Buc = a real rapper's name?) Why don't I drink some Purell and chase it with a couple of my trademark sweet berry slushie Tums (tum tum tum TUMS). Now we can sit out on my veranda and watch the geese fuck each other in the ass and remember about the Pudding Seige of '92 and when we were happy. Ho He Ho! Hailey backwards is Yeliah, also known as QUEEN OF THE YETIS. Give me some fucking Laughing Cow cheeses and I will eat them all! I know they are the rich man's Cheez Whiz but why can't my mom stop buying POISON Dranks and get me some fucking mother LOLCOWOL. Goodnight from the fringes of my mind, goodnight from my bones which are infiltrated by the cold.

do you always trust your first inital feeling?

2007-01-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

how the faces of love have changed turning the pages
and I have changed oh, but you, you remain ageless
I turned around
and the water was closing all around
like a glove
like the love that had finally, finally found me.

french "phrase a day"

2007-01-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

"Let's make some hot chocolate."
"Who ate all the cake?"
"I wear a medium."
"Excuse me, is there a playground nearby?"
"It's none of your business."

once upon a time i was falling in love, but now i'm only falling apart

2007-01-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" is arguably the most emotional song ever written. This shit's like, seven minutes of turn arounds and teary piano drips. A few summers ago this woman who was living in the alley behind my townhouse complex freaked out and started screaming this song in the middle of the street, then homegirl let proceded her wonky breasts out to play.

Once upon a time, there was light in my life.
But now there's only love in the dark.

Turn around, bright eyes.

Writing these lyrics out makes me think of that time when we submitted "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson to the poetry publication at school.

On a
Monday
I am
wait
ing.

On a Tuesday,
I am
f
a
ding.

And by
WEDNESDAY

ican'tsleep.

There's a lot of stuff I want to do this year. They include, but are not limited to: capturing a feral child, hitting up Paul Finnegan's courtside Bulls seats, not failing math, listing the names of my favorite fonts, learning all the state birds (I just feel like that will come in handy), and I would really be curious to try that concoction that we did all the time in the summer before freshman year. (A bottle of "The Works*," a layer of aluminum foil, and an empty bottle with its cap. Put ingredients in bottle, shake and throw in the street. Run away. Listen for explosion.) I'm trying to go to Europe too, but we'll see as far as my legal tender goes.

*Not neccessarily available in Value Pack

i think it's time for you to find another dumb blonde, cus it's not me no no

2006-12-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

New hobbies:
- ending words with thrice the number of concluding letters, a la Walterrrr Blaurockkkk
- stealing time machines

"You want just a little trophy hanging on your arm so all your friends will see you got it going on. But I see what you are so clearly, and baby, baby, that's not all right with me." - Hoku.

baby it's you

2006-11-28T00:29:00.000-07:00

My insommnia has developed into a throbbing pain that is making me crazy. I just want to live under the covers in the yellow bedroom until I get struck by lightning. Then I remember that my grandma sold the house and it's like, alright. Can't anything stay the same for a while? Change is so hard. I know that statement has as much validity as saying "Life can occasionally be difficult," or "college applications are tiresome," but it's true. Why else would all those old pansies be writing into the Chicago Tribune, complaining about Marshall Fields switching to Macy's? Enjoy those tacos now, for in a hundred years, they will become illegal. Oh, I think we all know why.

blues song from grapes of wrath, circa 12/16/05

2006-11-24T23:52:00.000-07:00

Well...
I spent four years
And now I'm out of jail
Well, I spent four years
And now I'm out of jail
I got nothin' to show for it
Except these cheap coattails

One night outside a dance
Herb came at me, completely sloshed
I took a shovel layin' there
Knocked his head plumb to squash
They took me to the courthouse
Sentenced seven years in jail

My folks, they didn't write me
Except for Granma's Christmas card
"Merry Christmas, purty child"
The cell block men laughed hard

McAkester ain't that bad
Ain't as bad as you would hope
Free food, free heat, free everything
Just don't drop the soap

i told my sister she should never smoke weed and then parallel park

2006-11-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot how great the Sims is. I just made a lady named Madame Tuskers. She used to have a pet leopard, but now she has an outfit.

I did something stupid, immature, and probably illegal today. Alright!